Friday, October 17, 2014

Annie or ""any" meet Rick or "wreck"… Or Lois is tattered, shattered and a few more things


you have before,,,,sigh….  You have before you a tattered, Rick no no no… Shattered wreck… Tattered array… Oh shipped… Sigh… Shit shit shit. Looking back I can see that shattered wreck may be the closest I can come, and it's close enough or perhaps even better than a tattered one I guess.  perhaps I had better start over.(for some reason today Dragon is having trouble capitalizing the first letter of the first word of my sentences… It also seems to be creating separate sentences where there shouldn't be Annie.… I wonder if I can  introduce Annie to Rick?…I think the word I was looking for is annie… Any.   up up up up,    what happened there and what was I saying?   Something about Draagoninmposing some strange phrasing on my prose.  Nevermind.....things can only get better… Or worse.


as I was trying to say, you havebefore you a tattered wreck of a human being who has just spent 15 minutes trying to don her morning schmatah.   in this case the word schmatah describes a shapeless garment that covers me from chin to ankles, processing… Proposed …. you can't do it, can you?… POS S ESS  …  you win… Having long sleeve long sleeves and deep pockets.   The problem is that when I wake up I am not the sharpest crayon in the box, and consequently I spent some time with my head  inside the garment and with arms inside flailing helplessly as I attempted to put my hands through what seemed to be sleeves that had been sewn shut. My ries,  moans and shitpissfucks were thankfully muffled by my head, being buried in cloth, but it was some time before I realized that I had not reached quite high enough, and as attempting to put my hands through the pockets… Upup up… A very frustrating way to begin the day, I'll tell you.  I can only say that I'm grateful that I did not punch through the pockets in my frenzy, thereby rendering them useless from now on. Must be grateful for small favors.

Having finally gotten my hands through the sleeves, and my head through the caller no no no… It's caller no you stubborn mule… … Oh, where was I… I finally got my head out through the top and  I was just about so worn out  I had the impulse to just crawl back into bedand wrute tge day off but I bravely forged ahead, shoved my feet into my slippers   (wrong feed in wrong slippers) and staggered into the dining room where the laptop lives and my day usually begins.
t Of course, before I even sit down at the laptop the most urgent thing is to measure out Pauline's rations for the day. The doctor sternly prescribed 7/8 of a cup of kibble per day, not one chrome? crumb  more, in this drastic effort to reduce her buy a pound so that hopefully she can clean her own fanny and relieve me of the task. I think it is working, but I'm not sure that either of us will live to see the day. She may be suffering hunger pangs but I am suffering the tortures of the damned not only being awakened at five and again at 7 AM for a few morsels to carry her over till breakfast, but faced with having my heart torn to shreds by her piteous looks during the day between feedings when she ply plateunges a dagger into my heart with  her pleading  glances at the empty platette and then at her mercilessly cruel enforcer. Yes, she gets fed five or six times a day in small portions, but apparently does not consider that an adequate meal by any means. I plan to take her to the vet next week for her way in to no no no, I should've known that would not  work… To be weighed praying that she has lost at least 3 ounces. Actually, I do believe that the diet is being good for her because she is more alert and more active.  I remember vividly how much better I used to feel physically when I was on a diet and losing a a few pounds. It was a tossup, though, betweebetween ckthe agony of being hungry all the time and the small pleasure from being able to move more easily. You can be damn sure that neither of us would be going through this if it weren't for the necessity of me following her around with wet wipes. oy vey.

A s  for the new little critter, Tootsie  is doing beautifully... I still have a lot of work to do training her. She'll let me pet her, scratch her chin and neck, her back and  the base of her tail, but she still won't let me pick her up and put her on my lap. When she goes out (which I permit once in a while). She has been very good about coming back when I call her shrieking "Tootsie" and lots of "here pussy pussy pussy pussy" accompanied by much clapping of the hands and some meowing noises. Sometimes she comes back even when I don't call her and I am thrilled to find her lounging on the Mexican tile floor of her sunroom waiting for me or some treat.... I am sure for grilled chicken livers (which she only gets a few times a week… You think I'm going to spoil this cat? Not a chance.

if you think life on Califa Street is deadly dull I Baig to differ known no… I beg to differ.  there are times when it is utterly amazing and the mind-boggling.  Take the day ecently when Florence staggeed in wringing her hands and moaning in a tremulous voice, "there is a body in the walkway." Now I must explain that Florence is a fearful person and she is especially fearful when it comes to creatures of the animal persuasion. Nevertheless, the statement shook me up I must admit, and I carefully inquired, "you mean a body like a person or a body like an animal?" I was very relieved to hear that it was some sort of an animal, (not quite sure how I would manage to cram a human body into one of my large garbage sex… Saks, no the hell with it…).  I was pretty sure that Florence's eyes did not rest long enough on the corpse to determine whether it was cat, squirrel, opossum or raccoon, so I had to schlep out to the walkway and take a look myself. The poor departed turned out to be opossum who had probably eaten a snail that had been poisoned with snail bait. (Not in my yard… I never use the stuff).  One thing I have to say in favor of opossums… They have that wonderful stiff tail that provides a handy handle for picking him up and dropping him into the trash bag. I think it would've been kinder of him to have expired on someone else's walkway, but I guess he figured  that the chances of having a few kind words uttered over him were better here than any place else on the block. His place is already been taken at the porch buffet by another possum and life goes on as usual on upper Kelly for street no no no…… Callis does street know you haven't got it yet. Kelly is a straight…. The hell with it. But I must ask how many of you have been stirred out of your lethargy by having someone announce that there was a body in the walkway? I will tell you, I have almost gotten to the point where nothing surprises me anymore.  no, that's a lie… I just never know quite what. Florence or the Dragon have in store for me.

That does it,My dear ones. I have to go away and ponder why Dragon fails to capitalize the beginning of some sentences and I can tell , it ain't going to be easy.

Love, lo


Monday, October 13, 2014

what the fark… What the fork .....what the flock…… What the F you see Kay?


As you can see I am having a terrible time teaching Dragon my favorite dirty words. This newer version seems to have a built-in editor, which refuses to accept new words that begin with, end with, or contain the letters "F UCK". I sneaked that one past it by spelling out capital letters. Why Dragon needs a censor is totally beyond me, but then almost everything is the day… Totally beyond me. That is.

Actually, I am writing this blog to explain to you my dear followers why I don't simply correct the errors that Dragon makes, and to do that I have to give you a short course in the mechanics of my vision. I'm going to print a letter on the not… The letter "O" will be a good example.
        

                                        "O"

The space inside that O is a little larger than my field of vision in my good  . I… No no no… What we want here is the word "E why he"… I think I'd better.type it.…eye.  The left eye has no central vision… Only peripheral vision. So it is useless in any detail work like reading or seeing a morsel of food on my dinner plate that is any larger than a lentil. Not only is the field of vision  very small, but it also has a thin film of of something like a white  mist obscuring its clarity. So that's what I have to work with.

Now someone has suggested that instead of leaving the gobbledygook that Dragon sometimes produces, I should go back and correct it. There are two problems with that idea. First, what would be the fun in that? Most of the humor that I dish up lately is due to Dragon's misinterpretations. Frankly, I love my blogs as interpreted by dragon and refused to give them up just to make things easier for you guys. Secondly, and you'll have to try to get your mind around this, when I am looking at an error that Dragon has made it means I have to bring the cursor to the spot of the error. Needless to say, when I am looking at the error. The cursor is not within my field of vision. If I move my eyes to the spot where the cursor is. I then have to move them back to the spot of the error to judge the distance the cursor has to travel and continue with this back and forth motion until I've managed to bring the cursor to the error. As you all know, at this point, the cursor is no longer a nice black arrow or even a puny white little hand, it is simply of small vertical line. You have no idea how long it takes to locate that vertical line and position it correctly to correct the error. Take it from me, it is agony and if I had a better way of doing it. Believe me, I would.

Of course, there are many commands in the Dragon lexicon that I could probably use to make this process easier, but since reading is so difficult for me. I just haven't done it yet. There is one command that I know that is called ", U, and Dio… No no no… How could you not know on do…,, Sigh… "undo". (Dammit, do I have to do everything for you?). Anyway, back to the command which I will not attempt to verbalize again, I did use it a couple of times, intending to simply erase the last word that I wrote, and instead any race almost the entire document I had written. There is no future in that I can tell you. One of these days I will tie Florence to the chair and force her to read to me some of the instructions and commands I sorely need, but I don't feel like doing that today.

I am glad that a few of you agree with me that Dragon has greatly improved my blog. This or at least given them a tantalizing flavor. They didn't have before. I know it's a dreadful decision to impose upon you, but you simply have to choose between gobbledygook blogs or no blogs Abdul up up up up… And all… At all. Frankly, I liked Abdul much better.  come on now, be honest,didn't you?.

I hope that makes everything perfectly clear… No pity. Please… Just understanding. Okay?.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

What? You Mean It DOES Make Sense?

the traysdamn you, the matter wake-up Dragon0133...…Not the mom go… I think we better start over.

(As you can see, Dragon and I are cuddled up together indulging in a indecent and sometimes humorous foreplay… I have no idea what the hell the foreplay is in preparation of… Perhaps the the climaxing result of this strange action might be called a blog.)

As I was trying to say, the phrase I have probably uttered the most times in my life, and with the most frustration and the most perplexity is, "But that doesn't make any sense." I remember from my earliest days, wringing, my fat little hands togetherwhile observing the behavior of the adults around me in total puzzlement and saying those words to myself in whatever form of baby talk I was using at the time, something akin to "what the Fox talk… Sigh….What the what's wrong, did you throw up…             no community Tilia get over here it over here.
Get over here dear … Oh shit… I forgot the Mike was on while I was talking to Paulie… I think I'd better write that phrase out myself… If I remember correctly, I was trying to say, "what the fuck?" please excuse me for a minute while I go into the classroom and teach Dragonthat all important word.                             fuck

What the flock… What the Fox… Failed again. Never mind.We really must get on with this.

As I tottered, limped or staggered through the rest of my life, I decided that nothing was ever going to make sense because we are all Meyer did no no no no… I think this Dragon is Jewish….we are all mired in incompetence in difference,in slaw …sloth and stupidity. But perhaps, more importantly in insanity! Not one of us including me is free of some kind of crazy addiction, which forces us to actimplausibly, even if we know better.For example, why did this person continue to adopt needy cats until our house was full of 12 or 15 of them and my life was a living hell ?I could go on but I won't.

this all reminds meof aold story of a man seekingthe answerto the mystery of life travels to Indiato consult the head guruwho happens to reside oh crap… Sorry about that… Who happens to reside at the top of it nearly unclimb a ball mountain. We did nothing but a canteen of water the man climbs and climbs and climbs  until he finally arrives, bloody and exhausted at the top where the Masters cave is located. Inside is a serene little man seated, of course, in the lotus position, who looks upon him kindly and asks how he may be able to help him. The man gasps, "oh wise one, what is the meaning of life?" The little man smiles and says, " my son, Llife is a fountain.". The man loses it completely rants, raves and utters a number of "what the fucks" and says "I traveled thousands of miles, climbed this Chevy Mountain….shitty mountain, without food, little water, get bloody and worn to a nubbin, and you tell me the meaning of life is that life is a fountain?

The little man looks perplexed and a bit bewildered and says, "what?? You mean life isn't a fountain??"

I know, I know, you probably all heard it before but it seems so fitting. I couldn't resist.

Now you'll have to excuse me… I have to go and teach Dragon a few words and then lie down and put cold cloth cloths on my head.

Love, LO

PS..needless to say, this documenthas not been proofread/






Saturday, September 27, 2014

another dialogue between lo and the Dragon

Well here it is, it seems to be Effing 5 AM in the morningand I have just suffered the familiar poke the knows… No not that kind… I wanted Poconos… Poke in the nose… That's better. What the hell was I saying? Yes, the old poke in the nose with the fuzzy Kitty Paw signaling to me that it may be an ungodly hour, but cats on a diet, get ravenously hungry at odd times. Did I tell you that I had to put my Kitty Pauline on a diet? Like her predecessor, Winnie, she was getting too fat to clean her nether regions, and I was damned if I was going to go around. Following her with wet wipes. (This Dragon seems to have strange whims in regard to capitalization. You'll simply have to put up with this until I find out how to gain control over upper and lower case). Anyway, I don't know who suffering more, Pauline or me… I think it's a standoff. I am praying that she will have lost a pound, and I'll be able to give her an extra scoop or two of kibble instead of the meager 7/8 of a cup that I have to measure out a tablespoon at time. To think I actually thought when I gave up dieting a few years ago on the premise that during my declining years I should be allowed to eat anything I damn please. And by God I was going to do just that.… It is hard to believe that I now have to suffer the agonies of starving my cat, for her own good, of course.  Shitpissfuck… Well, at least I've taught it that word, and it has remembered it for two days straight. If I weren't so pissed off at the damn program, I might consider giving it a medal.   and maybe a small one for me as well. We won't even mention the fact that I have spent several hours dictating endlessly into the microphone in order to familiarize the creature with my voice. They might think this would be an easy thing . B UT, since this entails reading an entire chapter from a book (you're given your choice of the strange assortment), which of course I cannot see. Consequently, this scene develops like a bad comedy… My caregiver reads the words from page into my ear in a whisper, and I repeat it out loud, hoping that the thing won't realize that I'm sort of cheating. This process takes about an hour and I won't tell you the words I uttered yesterday when Florence and I got three quarters through the chapter about Susie the singing swine and I discovered that I had the mic plugged into the wrong orifice and the whole thing was for naught. It's a frightful sight to see two grown women weeping over a computer, and attempting to strangle each other with the assorted wires which of course are everywhere.

I did have some success the other day when I finally learned how to teach it new words from my unique vocabulary. It really did learn shitpissfuck, tenks gott, meshugina, and , shit, shit,shit. I also taught itOy Vey which it got very well that time but has intermittent bouts of memory loss over that one. I will be thankful. Oh, for small favors and not complain t too much.

As you can see I seem to be obsessed with this new tool, and I promise I won't carry on over it indefinitely, but it is a fascinating challenge and will be enormously helpful if I can get over the bumps in the road.

On other fronts, I am having some success with my feral kitty, to see a war no no no… To see no. Excuse me while I go away in teach this thing to say that cats name properly. Mike off go to sleep (yes, one must remember to put the microphone to sleep in order to keep from making public the revolting contents of a deranged brain.)okay wake up… Did you learn to say to say Tootsie? By God, I think she's got it… Tootsie, Tootsie!

As I was saying I think, have made some progress in turning Tootsie from a wild, feral beast into an almost tame pussy cat. This is only required several pounds of chicken livers and endless hours of cat C duction… Let's try that again… C duction, no seduction. Ha ha… It wants the soft E. A ve Oy Vey. It also requires me to spend hours sitting in her room, stroking her back with us stick and luring her closer with more bits of chicken liver, so I can sneakily substitute my hand for the stick before she knows what's happening. And by then it's too late for her to protest because it feels so good.I still haven't gotten her to the point where she'll let me pick her up or rubber. Tommy up up up up….Rub her tummy, but I still have hopes. I have tried letting her out to get familiar with the garden and had a somewhat sleepless night wondering if she would come back, but hallelujah, she did indeed return the next morning and trotted in, looking eagerly in all directions for the chicken livers. I've turned into a mean old bed up up up up up….Bit. No, can you say bitch… You see you can if you want to damn your eyes. I don't give her chicken livers every day… I figure I have to saves them for important tasks which I still hope to teach her. Holy crap, I seem to turned into a teacher of strange sorts and the subjects. On one hand, I am teaching blasphemous words to a collection of bits and bytes, (can you believe that, it's spelled bytes correctly under the circumstance… What do you think it would say if I said, "bite me". How about that?… Maybe I have been totally wrong about which one of us is the dummy.)… And on the other hand, I am teaching a feline creature to let me rub her tummy. Well, you can't say that I am mired in the ordinary.

I'm sure that Dragon is willing and able to continue this nonsense interminably, but I am just a poor, weak human with very few bits and bytes left and I am exhausted from this little exercise. I am also a little bit tickled by the results, and I hope you guys will be too… After all, I'm doing this for you. I have a feeling this is the most boring blog I ever wrote, and for that I apologize abjectly, but being entertaining and amusing were not the top priority in this experiment. Stick with me…it's gotta get better.

I love you all madly.
LO

Saturday, September 20, 2014

another go round with . The Dragon

they can go to ..... okay that is.....ugh



 up up 

I have just been through two days of absolute cattle up up up….No not cattle… And don't forget that when I laugh Dragon interprets that as "up"…… As I was trying to say, I have been through absolute hell with an infected computer… It was so sick the computer Dr. had to take it home and operate on icrap what happened here t surgically. He brought it back yesterday but I think it's missing a few parts and possibly the main components of Vince Braden will well oh, oh….I was sure that in Tuesday… I was trying to say the main components of its brain. God it….Not quite….Got it.

Omifod........ oh dear, I'm afraid it's going to be a long cold winter. However, I cannot give up yet….If I could only get this thing going properly to make it possible for me to  b LOG….Or whatever you call this abomination. How do you like that, it does fine with abomination and fails miserably with blog (manually typed by me….I have to teach it a lot of words).

 I am coming to you today at tattered rep… No,,,,, rack rank you you're giving up? I wonder if I can spell a word…… WRECK.  Finally! I can see that I'm going to end up even more of a double you are he see K then I was before. In fact, we can't go on like this. I will do some more work teaching Dragon before we are fully operational.

Meanwhile, garbage though it may be, you cannot accuse me of not posting.

More later.

Love the low… Shall we try that again?
Love, LO
 


Monday, September 15, 2014

Once More I Attack the Dagon and Vice Versa


NOTE - this is a test… For the Dragon dictation program, for you and for me. Results will not be graded, tenks gott!




Well folks, your intrepid blogger has picked herself up from the floor, applied Band-Aids where necessaryand then is preparing to do battle again with the Dragon program.

I don't know if you remember the last time I tried this…… Some of the results were borderline acceptable and some were hysterically funny and wrong, wrong, wrong. As I recall, I gave up after having to teach the program my favorite word "ship hits Fox". (Dragon's interpretation of my favorite cuss word bears no resemblance whatsoever to the real thing), and after I taught it "shitpissfuck" for the 20th time and it forgot it for the 20th time I just dissolved into a puddle of tears and gave up. It's only recently that I found out that I should have stored each day's lesson in Dragon's memory before logging off. Who knew? Anyway, I plan to try again and hope you :dear souls will all bear with me till both Dragon and ts thenI get it right. It sure as hell is a lot easier for me to dictate my thoughts than to type them with my Dick's let..... dyslexic fingers and have to go back and correct every other word. I'm going to leave a lot ofthe funny bits and misinterpretations for your amusement. It shouldn't be any worse than having to put up with all the typos. I've been dealing out to you, so get ready for a new adventure or disaster. Or maybe a little of both.....

I really don't have any news I feel like telling you right now except for my latest makeshift invention to enable me to see the stock market charts on the computer. I have found that there could be such a thing as too much light so the other day, I grabbed a towel, draped it over the computer monitor and draped it over my head to make a sort of tense… tenant….Tent (the AMM I see.......the what?)….(Dammit). There I sat, a hunched over lump with the computer and me lurking under a purple towel from which issued forth curses, screeches and piteous moans. Believe it or not, it worked fairly well but was uncomfortable as hell… I will have to come up with a better solution, but it may extend my career as a dabbler in the market. As you can see I will go to any Lance to get what I want now but I whoops… Lance?   who the hell is Lance??  Try that again… I will stop at nothing to achieve my goals… Well almost..... No, that is a lie....... these days, after 20 or 30 attempts, I just give up.....  enough already.

Some of this experiment is a bit more satisfying than the last, probably due to the fact that I have lowered my standards considerably. 

I hate to leave you in the lurch, but I am being summoned.   Tootsie is demandin withy a soulful chorus of meows and caterwauling (forgi e me, I couold not resist) that I I come and serenade her. And I think I should quit while I'm if not ahed at lest not losing too badly.

let's score it Dragon 22/64ths - Lo 5***** for effort. Okay, let's hit publish and see what we've got.


Sunday, September 7, 2014

Back to Being My Old Humble Self

I just realized tht unless I get off my ass and post a new smattering quickly, my pages of self promotion (courtesy of Mr. Joe Hagy and Manzanita)  will remain displayed till eternity.  Horrors!   Hell, even I am sick and tired of reading how wonderful I am.......(only I know the real truth and I am not going there today).

Trouble is, I have   a page of notes of stuff I want to tell you about, but as all bloggers know, I have to pull together the threads of the harrstive in my currently befuddled brain before launching forth.  I won't deny tht I am struggling mightily with the vision problem and only have workable sight for a few hours after waking before the eye is worn to a frazzzle and  goes on strike relegating me to the recliner and books on tape,  but I just broke down and opened my purse, let the moths fly out and purchased a newer version of the Dragon progrsm which lets you dictate the contents of your mind (untastefully and strangely edited by Dragon's own mind.....if it can be called that......so nxt week I will force Florence to read me the insgtructions and I will tackle that again, hoping that this time, when I teach it "shitpissfuck" I will have enough sense to storee it in Dragon's memory so I do not have to reteach it every damned time I use the word (which, as you all know, if often, to say the least).




And while the purse was open and the moths  given their freedom, I made yet anothe extravgant purchase.....a brilliant idea that came to me one night while I was waiting for the fickle bastard of a
Sandman to come by.  I spend a lot of time trying to think of things I can do that do not require much vision and one day a few weeks ago I suddenly had a technicolor vision of an electronic keyboard of the kind that Pete;s piano man used to use when we had a gig in a place with no real  piano.  It came upon me that if I had one of those things I could learn a few chords and not only entertain myself but even accompany myself dur4ring my bouts of bursting forth with song. The birds whom I used to sing to may be gone but the cats still seem to respond well to my warbling and poor Florence and Ann,, my caregivers are too intimidted to protest.   (so far)

Well, the fact is that it arrived a few weeks ago, but aside from assembling the stand I have not yet had the courage to open the carton with the keyb oard, mainly because it will require someone to read me the instructions (oh, how I hate that) and also the messages we have read indicate that it wants a dedicated electric plug of it's own....none of those exteded things that run the ccomputer, the printer, the CD plyer, the coffee  maker, the can opener.......need I go on?   In this old house, many of whose wall sockets do not contain a third hole for the ground plug it may require unloading and moving a huge  breakfront full of my china collection to get to the plug behind that cabinet.  How I could have been so stupid as to fail to plug something into both of those wall outlets before putt the cabinet there I cannot explain to you or myself.  We just won't go there.  Rather than do that I may just call an Electrician and have a new outlet instslled within reach.....,,I am only considering that possiblility because I not only obtained the keyboard at an incredible bargain price, but I was able to apply a ton of my credit card points to the purchase making the thing close to free.  Oh, and I also did the same on the Dragon program and got that on a day that Amazon lost their minds and offered it at a ridiculously reduced price.   Laugh if yu like, but my Mamma always told me, "Waste not, want not".....truer words were never spoken.

Anyway,  I have promised myself thst this coming week I will get the keyboard plugged in even if I have to run an extension cors to my neighbor's house4.....they are away on a 6 week vacstion and I think I could flummox the house xitter into allowing me to try that.

So,. my deas, that is what I have been up to (or not up to) since last we met.  I promise to keep you updated on my progress ? if any should occur.  Meanwhile, let it be known that my swelled head has shrunkn bck to normal size and I am once again forced t6o make peace daily with all my shortcomings.
At least this week, failing to blogg is not one of them.


Love, Lo
Note:  This blogger takes no responsiblility whatsoever for any slanderous or plagarized material which may occur due to this blogger's inablity to properly edit or correct typos or computer generated malapropisms.  Anything that comes out accidentally funny however, I will take one half the crdit for......after all.....it is my blog.