Friday, April 4, 2014

Dammit, It's Too Late to Change It Now

I just realized that I really should have named this blog, "It's Just One Damned SPFing Thing After Another",

Oh well, the original is shorter and means pretty much the same thing.

Yes, this is your  beloved, whining, snivelling, kvetching but at least less frequent blogger writing to report yet another indignity which  has been heaped upon me.  I have rceived notice from General Motors that I am one of the 2 million (or is it 20 million?)  owners of cars produced by them with a faulty ignition mechanism.  Hell, did they just find this out?  I could have told thenm about this months ago after struggling one day out of 3 to get the ignition in my dear little Saturn to turn on.  I should fret not though,  because they intend to replace the faulty switch at absolutely no cost to me.  Only trouble is.....well, it seems that they have run out of that part and it is on backorder.  As soon as it is available they will let me know so I can rush my car to the nearest dealership.  I think that means, "Don't call us, we'll call you."  And of course, we all know I ain"t getting any how many mnore times will Florence and I get stuck in the driveway or in some parking lot before my number comes up?  Does anyone care to start a lottey on that?

And, oh yes, did I mention that the raccoons chewed thru the piping on my pool solar panels again causing a  total malfunction? However, this time I came up with a solution.  Since I cannot use the pool until June even with the solar heating, I simply shut off the circulation to the solar system......I mean the solar heating system.....that other phrase endows me with way too much power.  I am actually feeling like the world's greatest dumbkopff because I should have thought of this 10 years ago  OR the solar company should have advised me to Winterize my system every year till things get more favorable for swimming.  Ah, is so hard to get good help anymore, isn 't it

By the way, did I tell you about the fun and games we had last week when the huge upright freezer I have in the garage stuffed to the gills with meat, fish veggies,tortillas, bageks and homemade soups suddenly fell silent and began to leak copious amount of defrost water like Hoover Dam giving way?  Hardly anything fills a pennypinching cook's heart with more dread that the threat of having to deposit  into the garbage (or cook immediately and subsequently eat ) a turkey, two 4 lb, corned beefs (beeves?), several lbs. of  chicken filets, 3 frozen pizzas, a cauldron of Tuscan Bean Soup.....I could go on, but yoou get the idea.......I feel faint at the very thought.......When this happens it usually requires piece by piece unloading of the contents and then 5,350 trips carrying drippping parcels across the street to Marge's to try to cram my disreputable bundles into her freezer and then, of course, the whole exhausting process in reverse once my freezer is once again opertional.  Fortunately, this time I ws able to dispose of some stuff that was overdue for discarding and I was able to cram most of the stuff into my own frig freezer preventing the need for those awful  hobbling trips back and forth.    And, even better, after the garage freezer was allowed to shed all of its ice buildup and sit there panting for a while it agreed to start up and begin freezing again.  Oh, hallelujah!  I am truly blessed.

So, in case you have been wondering what kind of trouble I have been getting into on upper Califa St, now you know.   As I have been known to mutter from time to time, "It's Always......well, you know.

Love, Lo

Friday, March 21, 2014

OK, OK, Already...... Come Meet Pauline

I know,  I has taken me forever to post a picture of my precious Pauline, otherwise known as Paulie, Polly, Bubbala, Cat and HeyYou.  Well, this is more or less what I see when I open an eye after being pawed temporarily awake at dawn  most days.  No meows or raucous noise.....just a gentle, persistent tapping on my mouth and a tickling of my cheek by cleverly applied whiskers.

 I am not going to blather on today because I am still feeling a bit weak and feeble, but I am surely feeling better than I have been for a number of weeks and I am mightily cheered by that.  I will try to blog decently very soon and rant endlessly about all the things that have broken down, expired and gone wrong since last I kvetched.  Meanwhile, get acquainted with my darling.......some vigorous stroking along the cheekbones and under the ears, please.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Decrepit Old Houses Need Love Too......and Lots of Fixin'

Oh, seems all I do lately is apologize for not, nu, nu, you were expecting something different this time maybe?  Fat chance.  It appears that  it is not only the good old, faithful old, ancient old body (the house of my Spirit) that keeps falling apart , it is also the House house that houses me, my cat and birds and all my worldly goods.  Now, the house is not nearly as old as I am, and in some parts of the country and certainly some parts of the world it would be considered practically a spring chicken of a house, but that does not keep bits and pieces of it from turning up their toes and expiring.

This week it seems to be the roof which is only 18 years old......a mere child........but I am told that in roof years that is something like 2,384.  All I can say is, "I know drought is bad, but it must be good for roofs  because I did not have a  bit of trouble until it started to rain here a week or so ago."   Then, on Friday my blessed cleaning lady, Ana, pointed a shaking finger at some suspicious yellow blotches on the dining room ceiling and, after discarding all other explations (like a family of mice with weak bladders living in the attic) I had to admit that the roof might have developed a leak.  I am waiting nervously now for Mr. Fixit to come by, climb up and give a diagnosis.  Please gott it should only need a heavy applications of Henry's.

I am constantly giving thanks for our weather here........Drought, fires and earthquakes aside, we Californians have nothing to complain about weatherwise.  However, though I welcomed the rain I could really have done without the leak in the roof.  But......whatchagonnado??  Shit does happen as they say.....constantly and with borning consistency.

The leak remimded me of my dear old yellow 1948 Ford convertible.  I loved that car.....except when it rained.  For one thing, the windshield wipers hardly worked.  I rigged up a string attached to the  one  on the driver's side,  threaded it through the window which didnt' quite close and would pull on it when it got stuck to clear the windshield.  It also had a a leak in the fabric roof, right over where the driver (me) sat.  You all know that I pride myself on my problem solving ability........therefore it should not come s a shock to you that Lois could often be seen driving up Sunset Blvd, with my unbrella open inside the car when it was raining.  I was really poor in those days.....but always resourceful.

I know this is a poor excuse for a blog, but that is about all I have to say today.  I am still hanging in here, whining and complaining but alive and certainly kicking.   I will try to keep you updated on my fascinating life........and that of my assorted ailing house parts.

Love  Ya.

Lo (the original and only)

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Batty Old Bag Behaving Badly

So where have I been for all these many silent, blogless days?  The truth is nowhere in prticular, or right here or to hell and back.........wandering grimly down the dusty corridors of my mind trying to figure out a way to adjust my attitude.  Take it from me, folks, attitude is everything.

And NO, the problem isn't only because I have been coping with some physical problems, though they certainly do not help the situation.  I think I have just  been in one long tantrum behaving like a recalcitrant child (spoiled brat) yelling "I don't wanna" while that damned voice keeps saying, "you gotta".   And what are all these things I gotta do?  Just all of the things that are on the list of stuff I gotta take care of  before I die…… And then accepting the fact that I gotta do that too.  No, no, I have not been given a dire prognosis.  Physically I am probably in great shape for my age.  I think it is simply that astronomical number that has me spooked.  I never made plans for what to do when I was 86.  In fact, I will confess thst I could not imagine myself or the world beyond 1999.  I never did  elieve in the 21st century.......

 Let's face it folks, the truth is I'm just a rotten sport. Not only do I hate to lose at Monopoly and Go Fish, but I hate to lose mobility, vision, old friends, and you name it.  y If you try to take away all my toys, I am going to sulk, scream and protest loudly and without any grace.   Must be how I got to be such a Hoarder but you cannot hoard life.   It is the poster child for the statement, "Use it or lose it".........and by that I do not mean that you have to accomplish some marvelous feat daily,,,,,you just need to recognize and appreciate the gift of a new day.

I keep having to relearn the lesson of simply  accepting what is irrevocable and being grateful for this single day.  Anti-climax perhaps, but that's all the  wisdom I've  got to offer so far........and something tells me that that may be the best I'll ever come up with.

Anyway, that is where I am and what I have been working on .   No funny bits;s just hard work......all that damned  accepting.

So let me just say......Oh,, phooey.  And, of course, SPF.

P.S.  More later,    I love ya all.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Still Shlepping, Still Kvetching......

I know, I is eons since I last posted.  I also know full well that I promised to stay in touch weekly........failed miserably at that, didn't I?  So sue me.

Be forewarned that this will not  e a proper post either, but it will have to do for today.  I have still been strugglig with the damned back and last week I had an unwelcome visit from an old enemy.......a dizzy attack from Meniere''s Syndrome, an inner ear imbalance.  Ughm yuck, aaarrrrgggghhhh and most certainly shitpissfuck.

When that happens nothing gets done but a lot of moaning and whimpering.  I think I am coming out of the end of the awful visitation, but I am not inspired to be very amusing right now.  However, my beloved friend, the brilliant, talented Bob Rinwald who sends me daily cheer- ups in the form of jokes.......some good and some not so.......hit my funnybone with today's offering and I decided to share it with all of you.  If I can't make you laugh, perhaps Bob can.

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck
part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy
a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with
a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under
four conditions.
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once
again it was agreed.
4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
-Bob Ringwald K6YBV
916/ 806-9551

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

No Title, No Funny Bits, No Inspiring Thoughts...My Advice Is "Don't Even Bother"

I think I birdied: two model.... Whoops… You should be able to tell that I'm on Dragon again. I have no idea what that opening phrase was supposed to be.   Let's just start over.

Now the problem is that I can't remember what I was going to say….Never mind, doesn't matter….I seem to remember that I promised you absolutely nothing in the title so I can't really disappoint, can I? I think I was going to say something about the fact that I hate the ends of things. And I think I fill with trepidation and unease over the beginnings of things so you can imagine what my mental state must be after being beaten around the head by the end of 2013, and immediately rudely abused by the arrival of 2014.
I really just want to reassure you all that I did manage to crawl the last few yards of 2013 and I seem to be schlepping along into a brand-new year, willy-nilly.   I am still in the Grinch and Scrooge mode, and have no idea when I will be able to flip the switch turning me back into some sort of human being. But in the interim, I want to wish all of you lovely people a very happy, healthy, and peaceful year and beg you to keep putting up with me as long as I have a rant or a giggle left in me.

Bless you. I love you all.   Happy New Year.

(As soon as I can think of something funny, you'll be the first to know.)

Love, Lo

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

You Say You Want Dragon.....OK, I'll Give You Dragon

I want you to know that I appreciate your suggestions to help me overcome my vision problems, especially in relation to the blog. I'm not going to chastise you for forgetting my very funny blog written about a year ago with the assistance (that's a joke) of the Dragon software.  I would repost it or refer you back to it if I had any idea when it was posted...but, never mind.  We can somehow proceed without it.

Listen you guys, if you haven't learned anything else about me you surely must know that I am a prodigious, fantastic problem solver. Why else would I have been the one out of the whole Information Services Dept. who they  called in the middle of the night to come in and fix computer programs that always broke down when everybody was asleep?   With my convoluted brain and some duct tape I can usually find a way to fix things or develop a useful substitue solution.....well, I said "USUALLY".

When I first heard about the Dragon program I was dancing on the ceiling with optimism. I wish you were not know that's not right…oooops,  Let's try that again. I was sure ........(that's better) that the   Dragon program would be my solution and I spent many, many Mary hours. No that Noto no no no… That should have been and that he on our why. note .........nope, we're still not there. Perhaps I had better give up trying to use Merry and say hilarious hours trying to dicta now the deer te a blog. Oh, dear.  See, the problem is that my vocabulary is a little larger and perhaps more obscene than that of the dragon's.  Also, my diction is not always perfect.  Some words it gets just fine, and others not so good.  But let us stagger on with this experiment. 

The Dragon program is quite remarkable.  You can actually teach it words it doesn't know.  Trouble is, like an Alzheimer's patient, it has very short, short term memory.  It forgets very quickly and you are back to square one.  I think I told you about the time I tried to teach it my favorite expletive…shitpissfuck… And after about 10 tries, by George H gooGod it wilts whoops… I think we are off the track again, all though I think we could use God's help about now,  Maybe right now.  I meant to say "by George, it's got it".  The next day, however, it had forgotten the lesson completely......very disheartening.  The problem is, I can barely see to place the cursor in the right spot to make corrections manually, either of Dragon or of my own errors, so it is a bit of  a struggle.

I do not plan to give up!  I do plan to go back to working with Dragon to see if I can learn how to teach it to remember words I have just taught it.  Hell, I may even spring for th most current version to see if they have improved the program since I bought it.  Meanwhile, pull on your girdles and buckle up your safety may be a bumpy ride.

Much love to all of you and happy holidays.  May we all have a   healthy, peaceful, shitpissfuck-free 2014.  (Last sentence written by a human..... with slight Dragon tendencies.)