Sunday, September 22, 2013

Holy Crap......Is That What I Said????

 Well folks, the time has finally come for me to try that damned Dragon program again whereby I dictate my thoughts and the computer prints them out… Hopefully.  And  pigs will someday fly.
I have no idea how this is all going to come out… I plan to leave any funny bits for your amusement… That is, if there are any funny bits. All we can do is hope.

Sadly, the damned program has forgotten all the dirty words I taught it last time. In fact, as I recall, one of the reasons I got disgusted and gave up on this Thing was because each time I taught it a naughty word and it finally got it right, it promptly forgot in the next session everything it had learned at the last lesson.  A person could lose faith in technology very quickly, I can tell you. After teaching it."SHITPISSFUCK" a dozen or more times and having it forget it A dozen or more times . My rent level… Whoops There it goes taking off on its own and making arbitrary decisions about what I said when it doesn't have a clue. What that should have been was rant level, but it's easy to understand why it thought I said rent. So I'll forgive it for now. I don't know why, incidentally, it keeps shoving in capital letters where they don't belong, but I'll figure that out later. OY.

I think what I was going to say a few sentences back was something about my getting ready to begin ranting at the least provocation. And heaven knows, there will be a lot of them no doubt......provocations, that is.... I must admit that it's doing pretty well so far. Of course, I have had to make a number of corrections along the way and I I had to type" ship this fall. Ships up up up up up up up… The whooPS… There it goes again… I did not, under any circumstances utter the words ." Ship this fall." And the up up up stuff is how it interprets my laugh. Whenever I try to get it to say ,"shitpissfuck" it insists on trying to ship something. I haven't tried yet today to go to the option of teaching it new words, I do not have the will or the energy to attempt that project right now.….Maybe later.

Just for spite. I notice that this infernal program is trying its best to frustrate me it in a different way today….When it does screw up, it isn't doing it in its usual laugh provoking manner… Oh you devious piece of software….I may just have to start uttering my handful of year dish phrases… No, no, no….That was supposed to be Yiddish phrases….Well, I think you get the idea. Anyway, I intend to persevere and get this thing whipped into shape or my name ain't…… Now what was my name…… It was right here on the tip of my tongue A minute ago.

Hell and dam no no no….Not that kind… Damn… Yes that's right… Hell and damn, I am sorry I couldn't provide you with some belly laughs. Perhaps next time I can make the thinygram no no not  him oh shipped up up up up up....... misbehave in a more entertaining fashion. There, that's better.  Today I am simply experimenting to see what I can get out of it. The truth is if I can get this working in a fairly acceptable manner it will make it so much easier for me to communicate via the computer. You guys will have to bear with me while I try to get it going properly. Wish me well.  Sigh!


....... ship  Ships up up up up up up up… The whooPS… There it goes again…   Sigh!  Oy.

Now if you were expecting any news, updates, revelations, or confessions you are just shit out of luck. I am totally overjoyed to report that there have been no new crises, disasters, or general fuck ups. (Of course, I typed in  that last word manuallyschooling forgods sake whaty    ooops, sorry…… This program does not know the word fuck ups…just the deed......Ha… Hopefully in time it will!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Gripe, Gripe. Complain, Complain.....What Ever Happened to Pollyanna?

             Well, dammit, there is obviously no use waiting around for the day when I once again feel ippsy pippsy, when I am brimming over with mental health and goodwill toward men, when my vision is clear and my sciatic nerve is no longer sending zingers up and down  my leg and stabbing me in the fanny.......I figure I had better blog something or they will be sending the St. Bernard with the keg of brandy around his neck out to find me in the snowdrifts.  Hmmmm, now that I think of it, that is not such a bad idea........

My spirits are low and my heart is full of sadness......being besieged from all sides with bad news and poor prognoses.  Face it folks,  that is what happens when a person gets to be as old as Methuselah.......I was just talking to an old buddy of 89 and she agreed with me 100%.......feh...... who needs to be agreed with on something like that?  Sigh.  Anyway, I still possess a shred of decency and worry about my dear followers worrying about me, so here I am, all warts, prickles, snapping teeth and snarls and growls, popping up on your laptop screens to utter a cheery "Hi" and assure you that I am still alive and very much kicking.

No, goddammit, I have still not taken any photos of Paulie......wanna make something of it?  In my own defense I will mention that the digital camera is lying here on the table beckoning flirtatiously at me and the video camera has been unearthed, prepped with new batts and left within grabbing distance, but I am oddly resistant to accomplishing taking pictures or, for that matter, doing almost anything.  Didja ever have a day/week/month like that? 

Actually I blame it all on Apple, that damnable stock which has been giving me fits for a few years now, and if I had the brains God gave Ostriches (I hear their brains are smaller than their eyes)....I would just take my lumps and get out with my relationship with Apple can only be compared with an abusive marriage and I am the stupid, masochistic idiot wife without the gumption or good sense to pack up and leave.  (well, there was that one time when it was up about 200 points and I thought about taking my profits but I could not make myself push the button on the Sell ticket becaus I was sure it still had some Up left in it........oh, never mind.)

On the bright side, my precious Finches are still flitting back and forth happily, munching lettuce and Millet and laying eggs that never seem to hatch which is OK by me, splashing gaily in their swimming pool and sitting on their perches with eyes closed listening avidly while I sing old songs to them.  They obviously think I am the world's greatest vocalizer and I do not intend to tell them they could be mistaken.  I just have to make sure they never hear anyone else sing anything.

And my adorable Paulie Klibancat continues to fill me with joy whenever I give her the chance.  She is being spoiled rotten but not showing any signs of spoiledrottenness.  A true miracle cat.

Now, if I could only get these mashed potatoes out of my head and have someone reinstall my brain so I can think straight again things might be looking up.  Meanwhile, I will just settle into the recliner with the wonderful massaging chair cover and listen to some more Books on Tape.  If you wonder where I am you can look for me there.  Reclining chairs, massaging chair covers and Recorded Books are among the true blessings of this world.  I highly recommend them no matter what is wrong with you....or even if nothing is.  Oh, lordy, don't tell Miss Bruestle my 8th grade English teacher that I not only wrote but published that sentence.  She'll make me stand in the corner...........

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Newsflash to PETA,,,,,,,,Angels Sometimes Wear Fur

Just a few lines to update you on the situation with me and Precious. Incredible, Adorable Paulie KlibanCat.   It must be very few lines because I just do not have any spare time away from head petting, tummy rubbing, chin scratching and murmuring sweet nothings into those dear little ears......I mean, I have  big time commitments here and everything else is lower priority.  

It could be said that I am in love.  (sorry will just have to share me)

Ya' know, I have had cats.   I have had cats up the giggy for most of my life, and like lovers or husbands, no two are alike and some are, well, just better than others.  Not saying that I have not loved them all and done my best for each and every one of my darlings, but, face it, I would be lying if I said I did not find certain of them special.  This Paulie cat is beyond special.  In 7 days she has mended the hole, nay chasm,  in my heart and filled it up with milk and honey to overflowing.  

I will tell you more next time about what I know of her life before we found each other.   Call it kismet or karma or serendipity or whatever, but it certainly wasn't chance. I consider it one of my miracles that we have found each other.   Grateful?  For sure, but what a puny word that is.

I promise some photos soon.  Hell, I may even post a video of me singing to her.   I have been tuning up the voice and practicing one of my old favorites....."Just In Time"......    

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Oh, Joy, Oh Fulfillment........Lo Is No Longer Catless

Ahhhhh, that awful empty space in my heart is filling with warm, furry bliss..........a cat who will cuddle, play with my toes through the blanket, rub her chin against my hand,let me pet her incessantly and even purr a little.......what a difference a cat makes.

I went to meet Pauline The Cat as nervous as I used to  be when  going out on a blind date.  Go ahead, you can laugh at me.....I don't care, that is how I am.......I am not a hugely needy person, but God knows, I have learned that I need a cat. 

Actually the excursion was a double pleasure because Laurel, my  friend and Vet, had brought Winnie in to show off her new slimmer figure and I got to hug her and murmur sweet nothings in her ear.  It was sort of  bittersweet because Winnie hardly remembered me and preferred the safety of Laurel's arms to mine, but that was OK.....I was happy that she had bonded so well with Laurel.

Next Laurel reappeared clutching a precious tabby.....a true Kliban cat, black and grey stripes and an utterly beautiful face with white hightlights.  No messing around, plunk, right into my lap where Paulie settled and proceeded to alternate between peering up at me and hiding her face in the crook of my elbow.......totally like a cat.  Love at first sight for me...but would it be unrequited???  I would have to wait and see.

Home we went whereupon I let her into my bedroom (equipped with food, water and kitty box, kitty bed and a safe place to hide behind the bed, and, of course, that is where she headed and remained for the rest of the day, and, being a wise old cat lady, that is where I left her undisturbed.  I went to bed about 11 and was lying there trying to get drowsy when, wonder of wonders, I felt something (?) jump up on the bed near my feet.  There ensued   about 15 minutes of having her play with my toes (one of my talents is wiggling my toes enticingly under the quilt)  and then she bravely ventured withing head petting, tickling, neck scratching distance and we spent about an hour or two at this wonderful pastime of cuddling on top of and under the covers.  

Some of you may think I am a fickle wretch to be so willing and able to love a new critter so soon after losing my precious Gussie, but I think Gus would approve.........I can no longer do anything for Gussie, this is a cat who needs me and, heaven knows, I need her, so it is all a good thing.  

We are now into day 2 and she ate a bit this morning.......I am concerned about her eating  because she had been starving herself to death when Laurel rescued her and saved her by putting in a feeding tube.  She is now a big solid almost chubby fur ball, but, being a typical Jewish mother, all I can do is shriek, plead and murmur, "Eat, Eat, meinkindt."    (much hand wringing accompanies this scene).  I am forbidden to offer her tuna, chicken, grilled liver or baked ham and must suffer to sticking with the special kibble Laurel sent home with me, but I am hoping that some day that may change.  Meanwhile we will schlepp along as is and hope for the best.  

Right now Paulie is exploring the entire house......I have opened the bedroom door and am letting her have the run of the place and, oy, so much sniffing and creeping around with nose to the ground, sly opening of every cupboard door, a bit ofjumping up here and there to check out the coziness of the couch and a great deal of rubbing against Ann's ankles which pleases me because it tells me she is already feeling safe and unthreatened.  Sigh.  I am so grateful that this seems to be working out for both our sakes.
Needless to say.......there will be more on this subject, but for now, this little update will have to do.

Thank you all for your sweet sympathy and good meant a lot to me to know you were with me in spirit.  I promise to take some photos soon.

The Cat Lady of Califa St.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Furrry Comfort May Be Forthcoming

Just a quick one line update regarding my catless Vet who adopted Winnie called me last nite and told me I could certainly rent-a-cat......Winnie if I wanted her, but she also had a poor waif who had lost her person and was lurking under the sofa all of the time because she was shy and fearful around all the other cats that Laurel has.  Would I consider trying her?   Well, I considered it for about 15 minutes and called her  back and told her "yes".   Winnie is so happy with Laurel that I hate to disrupt her life even though I would love to get my hands on her again.  So I will try Pauline.  

I am ridiculously excited anticipating our meeting tomorrow.  Laurel will bring her in to the Animal Hospital when she comes to work and Ann and I will go over tomorrow afternoon, get introduced and bring her home for a test run.  She can get used to being an only cat here and get used to being petted, brushed and tickled under the chin  till she yells 'uncle'.  My fingers are twitching in anticipation of fur and purrs.  Wish me luck.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

In Which Lo Surrenders to WhatThe HellCanHappenNext and Feels Somewhat Better

Urk!  Ugh! Aarrrgghhh!  and OY Gevalt!
also, Ouch, Oof, Yoicks and ShitPissFuck!
So here I sit in a puddle of[ tears and a pile of broken crockery.......the latter self inflicted in protest and childish petulance and to relieve some of the pressure
The sad fact is that I had to put my precious cat, Gussie down over the weekend and although I knew it was inevitable I had  been trying to postpone it as long as possible.  I finally realized that she was going downhill faster than I could stop it and, for both of our sakes,  I took her in to go across the Rainbow Bridge.    I am pretty good about such disasters but still I did weep and am still heartsore and craving some warm furry creature to hug and pet.   Saturday nite I actually took my TeddyBear to bed with me.........TB happens to be the only present my Father ever gave me.....I was Sixty(60) years old at the time and was still happy to get it, but that is another story.   I am considering asking Laurel, my Vet whom I got to adopt my tortoise shell kitty, Winnie, to rent her back to me for a while.  I am not sure I want to make another long term commitment right 86 what can I promise? 

So, I am wounded and fragile and shaken and all that on top of which the air conditioner in the bird room has chosen this very moment to croak, the ceiling fan/light in the garage, inspired  by the audacity of the AC, has done the same, one wheel on my garden cart decided to disintegrate,  my car battery, not to be outdone, just conked out....also the car AC is ailing and perhaps on its last legs, my precious reclining chair, without which I have no incentive to live, collapsed, the frame of my brand new glasses broke after only 3 days and had to be replaced by a more expensive pair,  and the market is out of stock on Twizzlers.........are my stars out of alignment or what?  There are even a few more serious disasters in process regarding the failing health of several of my nearest and dearest, but we will not go there today.

I am reporting all of the above mishigoss only to clue you in as to why I have been blogless for so long and also to let you know that I have not given up yet, but am still reeling and staggering around and putting one foot in front of the other occasionally.  Having had the recliner repaired (first things first) I have been spending a lot of time escaping into Books on Tape, meditation and just napping to shut it all out and remaining as motionless as possible to avoid causing any new disasters.

All of which reminds me of an old joke which I only partly remember.  About the guy who died and was being escorted to heaven by an Angel and as they were walking down a long hallway they passed a closed door from which issued dreadful groans, moans, wails and screams.    The man inquired about what was going on in there and the Angel said, "That's Hell" and opened the door to reveal an endless lake of shit, populated by an infinite crowd of people struggling to keep their heads above the shitline...... They were all pleading, "Don't make waves!"