Some odd thoughts have been popping up and down and in and out of my mind recently.....wispy, uncompleted thoughts.......fragmented, disorganized but determined, insistent to be noticed and definitely repetitive in their meaning. The gist of them has something to do with the fact that "I" ( as the entity which occupies this body ) was having trouble dealing with the ongoing disintegration of my "enclosing vehicle". Been feeling a bit like a turtle whose home /shell no longer fit well didn't navigate well and was no longer acceptable as a container for "me". Worse yet......I hadn't a clue about what the hell I could do about this strange mismatch other than to just schlepp onward. Very unsatisfactory to my way of thinking and I have been hoping for an idea to circumvent this undefined ennui.
Then today I was directed to a blog from one of my favorite bloggers and found some beautiful, profound words which filled in the holes around my thoughts and and expressed them better than I ever could.
"Is the self a cage from which one should struggle to be free?
Or should we see it as a home?
Is it both things?
Maybe I should treat it both ways while I try to work through the conundrum. I can patch and paint the worn walls, knock down the cobwebs, scrub the floors, fix the toilet, open the windows to let in some light.
At the same time, dig at a spot on the floor with the spoon I hide from the guards under my mattress, , take a handful of dirt out each day, working on my escape."
The above was quoted from a wonderful blog I first encountered today, thanks to the incredible Mary Moon of Bless Our Hearts. The blog is called "The Dishwasher's Tears" written by The Tearful Dishwasher and I am so delighted to have found it and him........for many reasons, not the least of which is that he clarified and crystalized my thoughts and described exactly the way I have been feeling inside. I will try to expand on that.
The body and the persona that goes with it no longer feels like the real "me" . Or, rather, it feels like somebody the real Me is just damned sick and tired of. I have said many times that I feel like I have had a wonderful life (despite certain bumps and detours along the road) and feel lucky and blessed with every bit of it. I still stand by that, but suddenly, I am tired. Not quite sure if I am tired of living or just tired of living as Lo and being this persona. After all, 84 + years is a helluva long time to be with and part of an entity night and day, wouldn't you say? The only damned vacation you ever get from yourself is when you are anesthetized for surgery and that is just a brief respite but not a really a renewal. Besides, it's not much fun when the anesthetic wears off.
It keeps reminding me of all the stories reported by people who have died and been revived, had near-death and out of the body experiences and every one of them seem to describe the same wonderful feeling of release in getting rid of and floating free of the body like being able at last to take off a choking girdle and agonizing bra and a costume that is cumbersome and at least 3 sizes too small to fit comfortably.
All in all I feel that the creature that I have worked on becoming for all these years has turned out to be a fairly decent job of work. I am ashamed and sorry that I have not really utilized all my gifts and my full potential to the max, but I feel that I have done pretty well considering some of the pitfalls I have had to navigate and conquer. No excuses.......I just took all the parts and pieces that came in the box labelled "Lois", assembled them, took them apart and reassembled them in a million different variations over the years and am rather proud to say I have managed to have used all of the pieces without wasting anything, except for a few parts that were obviously my Father's worst traits and which I had no choice but to dispose of discreetly in someone else's trash barrel so they couldn't be traced back to me and returned, perish forbid. When I consider the whole structure objectively I think I look more like I was created by Rube Goldberg than Michelangelo, but as long as I don't blow over in a strong wind I shouldn't complain.
And as far as who or what I would like to be if I could be someone other than me..............I swear there is no one I can think of on the planet I would like to move in on and inhabit. I guess I will just have to wait and see who or what I will be next.....right now, I think a Rock might be nice.
Maverick of a weird, but wonderful family. Have managed to stay alive for an astounding 86+ years kept alive by a passionate interest in many things and a sense of humor.
Have led 2 or 3 separate lives,the first 40 years as a starving artist, ceramist, and graphic designer. At age 40 a matchbook cover that said "Be A Computer Programmer" inspired me to go back to school and emerge as a binary fanatic. Loved my work, had a wonderful 20 year career as programmer and trouble shooter. At the same time I had the chance to meet, befriend and marry Jazz Cornetist Pete Daily,an idol of my youth, whom I had worshipped in my young life. Lost him to cancer after 11 wonderful (and sometimes awful) years. Retired in 1989 and had 20 years of fantastic travel adventures all over the world. Now I crochet afghans, tend my garden, my 3 cats, the neighborhood birds and squirrels, a flock of voracious hummingbirds and assorted wildlife like possums and raccoon families who come nightly to my Porch Buffet. A great life, and it ain't over yet !....(after all, I have just discovered Blogging....)