Sunday, October 23, 2011

I Think I Want to Be Somebody Else for a Change

Some odd thoughts have been popping up and down and in and out of my mind recently.....wispy, uncompleted thoughts.......fragmented, disorganized but determined, insistent to  be noticed and definitely repetitive in their meaning.  The gist of them has something to do with the fact that "I" ( as the entity which occupies this body ) was having trouble dealing with the ongoing disintegration of my "enclosing vehicle".  Been feeling a  bit like a turtle whose home /shell no longer fit well didn't navigate well and was no longer acceptable as a container for "me".    Worse yet......I hadn't a clue about what the hell I could do about this strange mismatch other than to just schlepp onward.  Very unsatisfactory to my way of thinking and I have been hoping for an idea to circumvent this undefined ennui.

Then today I was directed to a blog  from one of my favorite bloggers and found some beautiful, profound words which filled in the holes around my thoughts and and expressed them better than I ever could.

     "Is the self a cage from which one should struggle to be free?

      Or should we see it as a home?

      Is it both things?

        Maybe I should treat it both ways while I try to work through the conundrum. I can patch and  paint         the  worn walls, knock down the cobwebs, scrub the floors, fix the toilet, open the windows to let  in         some light.

    At the same time, dig at a spot on the floor with the spoon I hide from the guards under my mattress, ,                  take a handful of dirt out each day,  working on my escape."

The above was quoted from a wonderful blog  I first encountered today, thanks to the incredible Mary Moon of Bless Our Hearts.   The blog is called   "The Dishwasher's Tears" written by The Tearful Dishwasher and I am so delighted to have found it and him........for many reasons, not the least of which is that he clarified and crystalized my thoughts and described exactly the way I have been feeling inside.  I will try to expand on that.

The body and the persona that goes with it no longer feels like the real "me" .   Or, rather, it feels like somebody the real Me is just damned sick and tired of.   I have said many times that I feel like I have had a wonderful life (despite certain bumps  and detours along the road) and feel lucky and blessed with every bit of it.  I still stand by that, but suddenly, I am tired.   Not quite sure if I am tired of living or just tired of living as Lo and being this persona.  After all, 84 + years is a helluva long time to be with and part of an entity night and day, wouldn't you say?  The only damned vacation you ever get from yourself is when you are anesthetized for surgery and that is just a brief respite but not a really a renewal.   Besides, it's not much fun when the anesthetic wears off.

It keeps reminding me of all the stories reported by people who have died and been revived,  had near-death and out of the body experiences and every one of them seem to describe the same wonderful feeling of release in getting rid of and floating free of the body like being able at last to take off a choking girdle and agonizing bra and a costume that is cumbersome and at least 3 sizes too small to fit comfortably. 

 All in all I feel that the creature that I have worked on becoming for all these years has turned out to be a fairly decent job of work.  I am ashamed and sorry that I have not really utilized all my gifts and my full potential to the max,  but I feel that I have done pretty well considering some of the pitfalls I have had to navigate and conquer. No excuses.......I just took all the parts and pieces that came in the box labelled "Lois", assembled them,  took them apart and reassembled them in a million different variations over the years and am rather proud to say I have managed to have used all of the pieces without wasting anything, except for a few parts that were obviously my Father's worst traits and which I had no choice but to dispose of discreetly in someone else's  trash barrel so they couldn't  be traced back to me and returned, perish forbid.   When I consider the whole structure objectively I think I look more like I was created by Rube Goldberg than  Michelangelo,  but as long as I don't blow over in a strong wind I shouldn't complain.

And as far as who or what I would like to be if I could be someone other than me..............I swear there is no one I can think of on the planet  I would like to move in on and inhabit.   I guess I will just have to wait and see who or what I will be next.....right now, I think a Rock might be nice.


  1. G'day Lo. You know, your post made me stop and ask myself if I would like to be someone else. I gave this some thought and my answer is "No" Despite the ups and downs of life throughout the years, I am very happy with me and what I have. In my nearly 60 years I have had an interesting life and I jolly well hope it continues for a bloody long time yet. Take care. Liz...

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  3. I loved the Rube Goldberg vs Michelangelo. Can agree totally. Body by Fisher in my case.
    We are truly trapped inside our birth given bodies but you are right, trapped how? Whose body would we rather inhabit? (Outside every slim woman is a fat man struggling to get in).
    Given my interest in all things Central and North Asian, I used to say I must have been a Rider of the Steppes in a previous life. My late wife said more likely I was just part of his horse. Coming back next go as a rock is a good idea. At least we get a rest.

  4. I hope you're not done talking about this. I don't exactly understand how you're feeling, but I want to.

  5. Open the windows and let in the light...what a great idea. Are you coming back as a diamond or an agate? I'd rather like to be a pine tree.

  6. Well, i have a similar but not quite identical feeling these days. The body is still working okay, although way too short for my taste, but i have that longing for a different life somehow. To be free of all the worries, that would be paradise.

  7. Beautiful post. Hang in there. You are doing a good turn to the rest of us by continuing to write.

  8. I believe I understand the feeling ~ just the next step in the journey ~~~
    Hugs ~

  9. Hi Lo
    I looked in a magnifying mirror the other day and found that my mouth resembled a tortoise...Where on earth did all those lines come from? especially as I have never smoked in my life. Needless to say I shall not be looking in it again in the near future. Looking at myself without my glasses on in the mirror I look fab, so that will be it from now on.
    As for out of body experiences, Tom had one after a 'funny ciggy' years ago, lol but I havent seen the other side yet.
    Great post as always

  10. great post! It speaks of what I have been thinking in the last year. I never thought I would get this old, not that I am *that* old, but I am past the "prime" where everything seems to matter, and it does get one wondering....when does the next "phase" alight?

  11. Lo-

    I am so glad you stopped by and found something that resonated with you. I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on aging and how it challenges our sense of self, gets us to do some deep questioning. I am so pleased to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you better.

    All best-


  12. Oh my. You see? I find this and then you find that and here we all are. A community, a family, a piece of the WHOLE and I am so glad that you found Tearful and he found you and Lo- bless you. I can't even tell you how much I love this post and so I will just say...I love you.

  13. This post is just brilliant. I am 47 young yet I suppose, yet my body is broken and has failed me which I spend far too much time dwelling on. I found this post inspirational. Thank you very very much, thank you Lo.

  14. Having tried adulthood and discovered that it sucked, I've been youthenizing for some time -- unfortunately, my body seems to have missed that message and betrays me, every time I look in the mirror! You're doing great. But, look forward to continued posting in this vein. Love the way you put it.

  15. Beautifully expressed, Lo. Although, I'm about 20 years behind you, I understand completely.