Saturday, September 27, 2014

another dialogue between lo and the Dragon

Well here it is, it seems to be Effing 5 AM in the morningand I have just suffered the familiar poke the knows… No not that kind… I wanted Poconos… Poke in the nose… That's better. What the hell was I saying? Yes, the old poke in the nose with the fuzzy Kitty Paw signaling to me that it may be an ungodly hour, but cats on a diet, get ravenously hungry at odd times. Did I tell you that I had to put my Kitty Pauline on a diet? Like her predecessor, Winnie, she was getting too fat to clean her nether regions, and I was damned if I was going to go around. Following her with wet wipes. (This Dragon seems to have strange whims in regard to capitalization. You'll simply have to put up with this until I find out how to gain control over upper and lower case). Anyway, I don't know who suffering more, Pauline or me… I think it's a standoff. I am praying that she will have lost a pound, and I'll be able to give her an extra scoop or two of kibble instead of the meager 7/8 of a cup that I have to measure out a tablespoon at time. To think I actually thought when I gave up dieting a few years ago on the premise that during my declining years I should be allowed to eat anything I damn please. And by God I was going to do just that.… It is hard to believe that I now have to suffer the agonies of starving my cat, for her own good, of course.  Shitpissfuck… Well, at least I've taught it that word, and it has remembered it for two days straight. If I weren't so pissed off at the damn program, I might consider giving it a medal.   and maybe a small one for me as well. We won't even mention the fact that I have spent several hours dictating endlessly into the microphone in order to familiarize the creature with my voice. They might think this would be an easy thing . B UT, since this entails reading an entire chapter from a book (you're given your choice of the strange assortment), which of course I cannot see. Consequently, this scene develops like a bad comedy… My caregiver reads the words from page into my ear in a whisper, and I repeat it out loud, hoping that the thing won't realize that I'm sort of cheating. This process takes about an hour and I won't tell you the words I uttered yesterday when Florence and I got three quarters through the chapter about Susie the singing swine and I discovered that I had the mic plugged into the wrong orifice and the whole thing was for naught. It's a frightful sight to see two grown women weeping over a computer, and attempting to strangle each other with the assorted wires which of course are everywhere.

I did have some success the other day when I finally learned how to teach it new words from my unique vocabulary. It really did learn shitpissfuck, tenks gott, meshugina, and , shit, shit,shit. I also taught itOy Vey which it got very well that time but has intermittent bouts of memory loss over that one. I will be thankful. Oh, for small favors and not complain t too much.

As you can see I seem to be obsessed with this new tool, and I promise I won't carry on over it indefinitely, but it is a fascinating challenge and will be enormously helpful if I can get over the bumps in the road.

On other fronts, I am having some success with my feral kitty, to see a war no no no… To see no. Excuse me while I go away in teach this thing to say that cats name properly. Mike off go to sleep (yes, one must remember to put the microphone to sleep in order to keep from making public the revolting contents of a deranged brain.)okay wake up… Did you learn to say to say Tootsie? By God, I think she's got it… Tootsie, Tootsie!

As I was saying I think, have made some progress in turning Tootsie from a wild, feral beast into an almost tame pussy cat. This is only required several pounds of chicken livers and endless hours of cat C duction… Let's try that again… C duction, no seduction. Ha ha… It wants the soft E. A ve Oy Vey. It also requires me to spend hours sitting in her room, stroking her back with us stick and luring her closer with more bits of chicken liver, so I can sneakily substitute my hand for the stick before she knows what's happening. And by then it's too late for her to protest because it feels so good.I still haven't gotten her to the point where she'll let me pick her up or rubber. Tommy up up up up….Rub her tummy, but I still have hopes. I have tried letting her out to get familiar with the garden and had a somewhat sleepless night wondering if she would come back, but hallelujah, she did indeed return the next morning and trotted in, looking eagerly in all directions for the chicken livers. I've turned into a mean old bed up up up up up….Bit. No, can you say bitch… You see you can if you want to damn your eyes. I don't give her chicken livers every day… I figure I have to saves them for important tasks which I still hope to teach her. Holy crap, I seem to turned into a teacher of strange sorts and the subjects. On one hand, I am teaching blasphemous words to a collection of bits and bytes, (can you believe that, it's spelled bytes correctly under the circumstance… What do you think it would say if I said, "bite me". How about that?… Maybe I have been totally wrong about which one of us is the dummy.)… And on the other hand, I am teaching a feline creature to let me rub her tummy. Well, you can't say that I am mired in the ordinary.

I'm sure that Dragon is willing and able to continue this nonsense interminably, but I am just a poor, weak human with very few bits and bytes left and I am exhausted from this little exercise. I am also a little bit tickled by the results, and I hope you guys will be too… After all, I'm doing this for you. I have a feeling this is the most boring blog I ever wrote, and for that I apologize abjectly, but being entertaining and amusing were not the top priority in this experiment. Stick with me…it's gotta get better.

I love you all madly.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

another go round with . The Dragon

they can go to ..... okay that is.....ugh

 up up 

I have just been through two days of absolute cattle up up up….No not cattle… And don't forget that when I laugh Dragon interprets that as "up"…… As I was trying to say, I have been through absolute hell with an infected computer… It was so sick the computer Dr. had to take it home and operate on icrap what happened here t surgically. He brought it back yesterday but I think it's missing a few parts and possibly the main components of Vince Braden will well oh, oh….I was sure that in Tuesday… I was trying to say the main components of its brain. God it….Not quite….Got it.

Omifod........ oh dear, I'm afraid it's going to be a long cold winter. However, I cannot give up yet….If I could only get this thing going properly to make it possible for me to  b LOG….Or whatever you call this abomination. How do you like that, it does fine with abomination and fails miserably with blog (manually typed by me….I have to teach it a lot of words).

 I am coming to you today at tattered rep… No,,,,, rack rank you you're giving up? I wonder if I can spell a word…… WRECK.  Finally! I can see that I'm going to end up even more of a double you are he see K then I was before. In fact, we can't go on like this. I will do some more work teaching Dragon before we are fully operational.

Meanwhile, garbage though it may be, you cannot accuse me of not posting.

More later.

Love the low… Shall we try that again?
Love, LO

Monday, September 15, 2014

Once More I Attack the Dagon and Vice Versa

NOTE - this is a test… For the Dragon dictation program, for you and for me. Results will not be graded, tenks gott!

Well folks, your intrepid blogger has picked herself up from the floor, applied Band-Aids where necessaryand then is preparing to do battle again with the Dragon program.

I don't know if you remember the last time I tried this…… Some of the results were borderline acceptable and some were hysterically funny and wrong, wrong, wrong. As I recall, I gave up after having to teach the program my favorite word "ship hits Fox". (Dragon's interpretation of my favorite cuss word bears no resemblance whatsoever to the real thing), and after I taught it "shitpissfuck" for the 20th time and it forgot it for the 20th time I just dissolved into a puddle of tears and gave up. It's only recently that I found out that I should have stored each day's lesson in Dragon's memory before logging off. Who knew? Anyway, I plan to try again and hope you :dear souls will all bear with me till both Dragon and ts thenI get it right. It sure as hell is a lot easier for me to dictate my thoughts than to type them with my Dick's let..... dyslexic fingers and have to go back and correct every other word. I'm going to leave a lot ofthe funny bits and misinterpretations for your amusement. It shouldn't be any worse than having to put up with all the typos. I've been dealing out to you, so get ready for a new adventure or disaster. Or maybe a little of both.....

I really don't have any news I feel like telling you right now except for my latest makeshift invention to enable me to see the stock market charts on the computer. I have found that there could be such a thing as too much light so the other day, I grabbed a towel, draped it over the computer monitor and draped it over my head to make a sort of tense… tenant….Tent (the AMM I see.......the what?)….(Dammit). There I sat, a hunched over lump with the computer and me lurking under a purple towel from which issued forth curses, screeches and piteous moans. Believe it or not, it worked fairly well but was uncomfortable as hell… I will have to come up with a better solution, but it may extend my career as a dabbler in the market. As you can see I will go to any Lance to get what I want now but I whoops… Lance?   who the hell is Lance??  Try that again… I will stop at nothing to achieve my goals… Well almost..... No, that is a lie....... these days, after 20 or 30 attempts, I just give up.....  enough already.

Some of this experiment is a bit more satisfying than the last, probably due to the fact that I have lowered my standards considerably. 

I hate to leave you in the lurch, but I am being summoned.   Tootsie is demandin withy a soulful chorus of meows and caterwauling (forgi e me, I couold not resist) that I I come and serenade her. And I think I should quit while I'm if not ahed at lest not losing too badly.

let's score it Dragon 22/64ths - Lo 5***** for effort. Okay, let's hit publish and see what we've got.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Back to Being My Old Humble Self

I just realized tht unless I get off my ass and post a new smattering quickly, my pages of self promotion (courtesy of Mr. Joe Hagy and Manzanita)  will remain displayed till eternity.  Horrors!   Hell, even I am sick and tired of reading how wonderful I am.......(only I know the real truth and I am not going there today).

Trouble is, I have   a page of notes of stuff I want to tell you about, but as all bloggers know, I have to pull together the threads of the harrstive in my currently befuddled brain before launching forth.  I won't deny tht I am struggling mightily with the vision problem and only have workable sight for a few hours after waking before the eye is worn to a frazzzle and  goes on strike relegating me to the recliner and books on tape,  but I just broke down and opened my purse, let the moths fly out and purchased a newer version of the Dragon progrsm which lets you dictate the contents of your mind (untastefully and strangely edited by Dragon's own mind.....if it can be called nxt week I will force Florence to read me the insgtructions and I will tackle that again, hoping that this time, when I teach it "shitpissfuck" I will have enough sense to storee it in Dragon's memory so I do not have to reteach it every damned time I use the word (which, as you all know, if often, to say the least).

And while the purse was open and the moths  given their freedom, I made yet anothe extravgant purchase.....a brilliant idea that came to me one night while I was waiting for the fickle bastard of a
Sandman to come by.  I spend a lot of time trying to think of things I can do that do not require much vision and one day a few weeks ago I suddenly had a technicolor vision of an electronic keyboard of the kind that Pete;s piano man used to use when we had a gig in a place with no real  piano.  It came upon me that if I had one of those things I could learn a few chords and not only entertain myself but even accompany myself dur4ring my bouts of bursting forth with song. The birds whom I used to sing to may be gone but the cats still seem to respond well to my warbling and poor Florence and Ann,, my caregivers are too intimidted to protest.   (so far)

Well, the fact is that it arrived a few weeks ago, but aside from assembling the stand I have not yet had the courage to open the carton with the keyb oard, mainly because it will require someone to read me the instructions (oh, how I hate that) and also the messages we have read indicate that it wants a dedicated electric plug of it's own....none of those exteded things that run the ccomputer, the printer, the CD plyer, the coffee  maker, the can opener.......need I go on?   In this old house, many of whose wall sockets do not contain a third hole for the ground plug it may require unloading and moving a huge  breakfront full of my china collection to get to the plug behind that cabinet.  How I could have been so stupid as to fail to plug something into both of those wall outlets before putt the cabinet there I cannot explain to you or myself.  We just won't go there.  Rather than do that I may just call an Electrician and have a new outlet instslled within reach.....,,I am only considering that possiblility because I not only obtained the keyboard at an incredible bargain price, but I was able to apply a ton of my credit card points to the purchase making the thing close to free.  Oh, and I also did the same on the Dragon program and got that on a day that Amazon lost their minds and offered it at a ridiculously reduced price.   Laugh if yu like, but my Mamma always told me, "Waste not, want not".....truer words were never spoken.

Anyway,  I have promised myself thst this coming week I will get the keyboard plugged in even if I have to run an extension cors to my neighbor's house4.....they are away on a 6 week vacstion and I think I could flummox the house xitter into allowing me to try that.

So,. my deas, that is what I have been up to (or not up to) since last we met.  I promise to keep you updated on my progress ? if any should occur.  Meanwhile, let it be known that my swelled head has shrunkn bck to normal size and I am once again forced t6o make peace daily with all my shortcomings.
At least this week, failing to blogg is not one of them.

Love, Lo
Note:  This blogger takes no responsiblility whatsoever for any slanderous or plagarized material which may occur due to this blogger's inablity to properly edit or correct typos or computer generated malapropisms.  Anything that comes out accidentally funny however, I will take one half the crdit for......after is my blog.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Lo Is Speechless Again

Anyone who hangs around this corner knows of my Late-Life Cyber Love Affair with the incomparable blogger, Mr. Joe Hagy of Cranky Old Man,one of th funnist blogs on or off th plant..  We often toss bouquets at each other and rarely does a rude word pass between us, (though I oftn disagree with his position on things, w got Respect) but this past Tuesday Joe published his 2014 Walter Awards and knocked my socks off by bestowing one on me.  This after the marvelous Manzanita's glowing tribute last week has both taken my breath away and given me a swelled head so monstrous it restricts me to the house because it is too damned  big to pass through my doorways.  I an assuming that this condition will gradually fade as I face reality in the coming weeks or months, but I cannot deny that I am enjoying the hell out of these Oscars/Walters.

I sit here facing the fact that the words "Thank You" are so puny as to be useless, but they are all I've got, espcially in this enfeebled state.  So without futhr maundering I present below excerpts from Joe's Tuesday post


A Cranky Old Man Award

"The Walter"

It is September, time for the second annual awarding of

“The Walter.”

Because, unlike Suldog, I believe there cannot be enough blog awards, so I have added my own.  It is named after Jeff Dunham’s hysterical cranky old man puppet, “Walter.”

This award recognizes those bloggers who post consistent (3 days a week or more) original, humorous and or thought provoking material, and or anyone I damn well feel like awarding it to.

To accept this award you need only grab it from above, and display it on your blog.  (I assume no responsibility if it is stolen copy written material)

There are no questions to answer. If recipients wish to award it to anyone they feel meets the above criteria, you are hereby authorized to do so.

If you want to see last year’s winners you can find them here:

The part of this process I don’t like is leaving out so many great bloggers.  I follow lots of bloggers, I like all the blogs that I follow and I read all the posts; so if I follow, know you have received an Honorable Mention Walter, also, there is always next year!

 The Final WALTER is a Lifetime Achievement award and goes "It's always something..." posted by Lo @

Lo posts only sporadically as of late due to failing eyesight.  She is an interesting feisty lady and to read her posts is to fall in love.  I admit to having a blogmance with Lo but I am willing to share.  Go, visit, read her older posts and fall in blogmance yourself.

If you can read this Lo, I must add “SPF!”


And all I can say is SPF and WOW.   I luv ya, Joe.

Oh, other thing.  If you are so  unfortunate as to not be familiar with Cranky Old Man I urge, nay I command you to rush there imnnediately can thank me later.