Saturday, September 27, 2014

another dialogue between lo and the Dragon

Well here it is, it seems to be Effing 5 AM in the morningand I have just suffered the familiar poke the knows… No not that kind… I wanted Poconos… Poke in the nose… That's better. What the hell was I saying? Yes, the old poke in the nose with the fuzzy Kitty Paw signaling to me that it may be an ungodly hour, but cats on a diet, get ravenously hungry at odd times. Did I tell you that I had to put my Kitty Pauline on a diet? Like her predecessor, Winnie, she was getting too fat to clean her nether regions, and I was damned if I was going to go around. Following her with wet wipes. (This Dragon seems to have strange whims in regard to capitalization. You'll simply have to put up with this until I find out how to gain control over upper and lower case). Anyway, I don't know who suffering more, Pauline or me… I think it's a standoff. I am praying that she will have lost a pound, and I'll be able to give her an extra scoop or two of kibble instead of the meager 7/8 of a cup that I have to measure out a tablespoon at time. To think I actually thought when I gave up dieting a few years ago on the premise that during my declining years I should be allowed to eat anything I damn please. And by God I was going to do just that.… It is hard to believe that I now have to suffer the agonies of starving my cat, for her own good, of course.  Shitpissfuck… Well, at least I've taught it that word, and it has remembered it for two days straight. If I weren't so pissed off at the damn program, I might consider giving it a medal.   and maybe a small one for me as well. We won't even mention the fact that I have spent several hours dictating endlessly into the microphone in order to familiarize the creature with my voice. They might think this would be an easy thing . B UT, since this entails reading an entire chapter from a book (you're given your choice of the strange assortment), which of course I cannot see. Consequently, this scene develops like a bad comedy… My caregiver reads the words from page into my ear in a whisper, and I repeat it out loud, hoping that the thing won't realize that I'm sort of cheating. This process takes about an hour and I won't tell you the words I uttered yesterday when Florence and I got three quarters through the chapter about Susie the singing swine and I discovered that I had the mic plugged into the wrong orifice and the whole thing was for naught. It's a frightful sight to see two grown women weeping over a computer, and attempting to strangle each other with the assorted wires which of course are everywhere.

I did have some success the other day when I finally learned how to teach it new words from my unique vocabulary. It really did learn shitpissfuck, tenks gott, meshugina, and , shit, shit,shit. I also taught itOy Vey which it got very well that time but has intermittent bouts of memory loss over that one. I will be thankful. Oh, for small favors and not complain t too much.

As you can see I seem to be obsessed with this new tool, and I promise I won't carry on over it indefinitely, but it is a fascinating challenge and will be enormously helpful if I can get over the bumps in the road.

On other fronts, I am having some success with my feral kitty, to see a war no no no… To see no. Excuse me while I go away in teach this thing to say that cats name properly. Mike off go to sleep (yes, one must remember to put the microphone to sleep in order to keep from making public the revolting contents of a deranged brain.)okay wake up… Did you learn to say to say Tootsie? By God, I think she's got it… Tootsie, Tootsie!

As I was saying I think, have made some progress in turning Tootsie from a wild, feral beast into an almost tame pussy cat. This is only required several pounds of chicken livers and endless hours of cat C duction… Let's try that again… C duction, no seduction. Ha ha… It wants the soft E. A ve Oy Vey. It also requires me to spend hours sitting in her room, stroking her back with us stick and luring her closer with more bits of chicken liver, so I can sneakily substitute my hand for the stick before she knows what's happening. And by then it's too late for her to protest because it feels so good.I still haven't gotten her to the point where she'll let me pick her up or rubber. Tommy up up up up….Rub her tummy, but I still have hopes. I have tried letting her out to get familiar with the garden and had a somewhat sleepless night wondering if she would come back, but hallelujah, she did indeed return the next morning and trotted in, looking eagerly in all directions for the chicken livers. I've turned into a mean old bed up up up up up….Bit. No, can you say bitch… You see you can if you want to damn your eyes. I don't give her chicken livers every day… I figure I have to saves them for important tasks which I still hope to teach her. Holy crap, I seem to turned into a teacher of strange sorts and the subjects. On one hand, I am teaching blasphemous words to a collection of bits and bytes, (can you believe that, it's spelled bytes correctly under the circumstance… What do you think it would say if I said, "bite me". How about that?… Maybe I have been totally wrong about which one of us is the dummy.)… And on the other hand, I am teaching a feline creature to let me rub her tummy. Well, you can't say that I am mired in the ordinary.

I'm sure that Dragon is willing and able to continue this nonsense interminably, but I am just a poor, weak human with very few bits and bytes left and I am exhausted from this little exercise. I am also a little bit tickled by the results, and I hope you guys will be too… After all, I'm doing this for you. I have a feeling this is the most boring blog I ever wrote, and for that I apologize abjectly, but being entertaining and amusing were not the top priority in this experiment. Stick with me…it's gotta get better.

I love you all madly.
LO

15 comments:

  1. Lo, we know you are enjoying beating the dragon into submission and leaving us howling at the effort, then blowing our noses. Yes, that much fun.

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  2. I am cheering for you and the dragon, Lo! smiley face! What does it do with that? The process is fascinating. Thank you for sharing your adventures online.
    Love you too
    Barbara and Daisy and Carissa

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  3. Not boring at all, dear Lo!!! Most entertaining, actually.

    Lo the Cat Whisperer ~

    Huge hugs ~

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  4. I am sorry for the circumstances which led you to need the Dragon, but the results - in your hands - are hilarious! It also shows how persistent and resilient you are. A good example for us all :)

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  5. Shitpissfuck, tenks gott, meshugina, and , shit, shit,shit--at least it's learned all the really important words!!

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  6. It would be easier training a Jewish Dragon.

    If you had a reality show, it would kick ratings butt!
    "Yo, it's Lo"

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  7. Believe me, i find your teaching a computer program to be very entertaining! As for teaching a cat to allow a belly rub, most of mine prefer the ear scritch to a touch on the tum.

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  8. O Lo, you do make me laugh and that's got to be good hasn't it?
    Stick at it, its getting better and I would really miss your posts.
    Briony
    x

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  9. Whoa! You've really tamed that beast a lot. I am glad that the up up up ups remain though. It is fun to "hear" your laughing.

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  10. I'm sticking with you. Hell, high water, The Dragon. Whatever. I'm here.

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  11. Dear Lo
    Can you imagine these dragons are supposed to take over the pathetic tasks of the classes. Not the top creme, of course, but that must leave the middle and any other minions sections. Your dragon is learning fast
    but I somehow hate to see him have all that power.
    Fat cats. My cat turned into an eating machine.
    You had me laughing with your first sentence. Love you Lo.

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  12. Not boring at all. Hysterically funny, in fact. I so admire your tenacity. As for the plump kitty, try feeding her canned (French cut) string beans. Just drain out the water and she can have all she wants. They will fill her tummy and not put on any weight. It worked with both my dog and my cat. Keep writing and we'll keep reading, Lo. :)

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  13. Soon the dragon and you will be best pals!! You are making excellent progress with it!

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  14. Would that we had your problem with the overweight cat. Our problem is a cat that is slowly starving to death because there is something wrong with her esophagus and/or stomach and she can only eat very small amounts at a time otherwise she vomits. We have had to switch her from dry food to canned food and must feed her teaspoons at a time through the day, and of course, being a cat, she often turns her nose at the selection we offer. Otherwise, hilarious post.

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  15. Lo, you are wonderful and such an inspiration to us all, not to give up and keep our brains going. I just love that you are sticking to learning this dragon thing, well done you.
    Kitties on a diet are no fun, I have tried it but just couldn't keep it up, it seemed such a paltry amount and I felt terrible.
    I love it when I see your post come up, don't stop....
    Hugs
    Briony
    x

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