Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Warning! I Think the Mean, Contemptible, Evil Lo Has Seized Control today....Hazmat Outfits Recommended

Well, dammit.....last week I was a bright, cheery, feeble but grateful 85 year old just futzing around here doing my thing.....which ain't much, but, what the hell....I was 85 years old after all.

Today I am a grumpy, frazzled, bitter, vengeful, decrepit 86 year old and not a pretty sight, I'll tell you.  I did not have any idea how much OLDER a person feels at 86 than a person felt at 85 (which was still pretty damned old, I'll have you know.).  And the trouble is, even if you can psych yourself up to ignore, forget and totally blank out the event and the transition, people just won't let you get away with that.  They keep reminding you and rubbing your nose in it with phone calls and cheery greeting cards and all sorts of well meant but painfully received prods.  Sigh.

I know, I know.......I should be proud to have managed to achieve this dubious pinnacle and grateful that I still have enough marbles rattling around in my ancient skull to be able to  spew forth all these long words and sentences.  And, do you know what.......I AM proud and grateful.  But, Oy Vey......it ain't easy to be 86 particularly when you are then going on 87.

That said, I will just report that I did survive the week somehow and you can still find me at the same old stand, tossing bits of lettuce and swiss chard at my Fabulous Flying Finches, screaming threats and epithets at them as I observe that they have once again switched nest boxes and asking them what I should tell the babies, should any of the eggs hatch, about who their parents really were......even as I wonder if the babies would give a shit as long as some bird or other shoved some food down their gullets.  I somehow doubt if Finches spend much time wondering who their real birth mothers were.....do ya' think?

And, in the spare time left to me after doing all that wondering, I am still going around cleaning up hairballs that Gussie so thoughtfully leaves me, since, with her clever feline mind, she knows I  need small tasks to perform that are simple and do not tax my ancientness too much and  leave me with a feeling of accomplishment.  She, too, means well, but just does not understand about the knees.

I am happy to report that I am still doing well on the FastDiet.........I can hardly believe it myself, but I am into week 3, have successfully fasted for 5 of 16 days, have actually lost 3 or 4 pounds and am thrilled beyond words that I may have finally, after 75 years of searching, struggling and suffering, found the eating program that is perfect for me.  Godbless Sarah, the lovely British Blogger........http://secretworldofahousewife.blogspot.com   ..., for showing me the way to deal with my food insanity in a healthy and easy manner. 

And to  finish up my random ranting on a really positive note, I must tell you of my recent experience with the Lost Needle.  You must all know of my ongoing problems with my vision so I will simply report that each day I discover a new thing which I can no longer do.  Most recently it became obvious that, if my life depended on it, I would probably never again  be able to thread a needle no matter how many pairs of spectacles and magnifying glasses I employed, but I figured that I could get Florence to thread the needle on my sewing machine and could thereby duke it out to run a wandering line of stitches (mostly by feel)  in order to put up a hem.  (the days of my hemming things by hand ended some time ago).  Unfortunately, I forgot about the quirks of inserting the bobbin into this  machine and after about 20 abortive tries and much cursing each time I heard the dreadful sound of the bobbin falling out resulting in the thread breaking and necessitating calling Flo to rethread the needle yet again, I decided to give up and do the damned thing by hand.   How lucky, I thought, that a while back I had jumped on an email offer of some needles with eyes that you simply pulled the thread down a slot in order to thread them.  Yeah, sure......but where had I put them?  In some safe place, of course, but where might that safe place be?  An hour later, after tearing apart the sewing department in my house without finding them, I dispatched my helper to the fabric store to buy a new supply.  Home she came clutching a wonderful pack of 6 needles of various sizes and I pounced on them and proceeded to thread the one my undextrous fingers could best hold.  A little tough for my limited sight, but doable, and off went hand-hemming away mostly by feel, but good enough, till the thread was too short to continue, so I made some knots and took a new piece of thread to finish.  Then, to my horror, as I pressed the thread onto the slit  I saw the needle slip from my fingers, fly through the air and land........somewhere....... in my living room probably, but it might as well be China for all the good that would do me.  Flo was gone for the day so first I crawled every inch of the floor with my biggest flashlight.........not a sign.  Next I seized the floor lamp that I work by and turned it upside down and combed the area again,  uttering horrid sounds, curses and weeping bitter tears intermittently.  Zilch.  I felt every inch of the carpet with both fingers and toes hoping to impale a digit on the damned needle.  Nada.  I gave up and went to bed thinking unmentionable thoughts.

Next morning, with a bit of renewed energy I crawled from bed and repeated the process in the light of day.....Zero.   Before giving up entirely I decided to move all the furniture in the vicinity of the crime scene  and try one last time.  As I reached the place where the carpet ended and the wood floor began......the spot under which my chair had resided I caught a brief gleam and my heart leaped up. Partially obscuring the prize was a BD card which had fallen on the floor.  It was one of the cleverest cards I had ever received (and it even had sound)  congratulating me on my achievement in reaching 86.  Carefully, in order to get more light on the subject, I  reached out and  moved the card.  In doing so the page fell open and out blared the opening bars of the Hallelujah Chorus!

I am not sure but I think I wet my bloomers.


  1. All right, look. I am taking every word you say here seriously and it is not to be taken lightly but LO- THIS IS HYSTERICAL and should be published somewhere for all to read.
    I'm not kidding.
    A loving happy birthday. A Hallelujah Chorus for you!

  2. As long as no one calls you 86 years young! I hate that.

    It is not just you, it is a law...if you drop any small object it will always bounce in a totally undetectable spot.

    Happy BD you old lady...I love ya!!

  3. ahhh someone older than I am... I do hope... that I will retain my sense of humor when I'm 86 ... I've got 16 years to go. freakinwow

    I gave up needles for lent years ago. glad I don't like sewing...

    oh,! however, this reminds me of my Uncle Lee. He sold needle threaders! He would go stand wherever people were ... take out his $1 needle threader ... little red and white plastic thing... you put the needle in the upright thing then placed the thread over the groove then press the press tab thing... and viola! the needle was threaded.

    Damndest thing you ever saw... I bet I still have that somewhere in all my junk to keep ... He made a killing on these things ... of course his personality was a hoot...

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! good stuff!

  4. Happy Birthday Lo, I'm bad with needles so haven't touched one for a long time. Do remember being impaled by one when I lost it under similar circumstances. Your parting shot made me laugh out loud.

  5. You are brilliantly funny! When my mother turned 80 (she is now 94) she went around for days before dreading the upcoming event -- it turned out she didn't mind having a birthday -- it was the constant reminder with the big '80' plastered everywhere. So since that time I never buy her a card or a cake with any numbers on it!

  6. Dear lady ~ thank you for the gut-busting laugh of the day!! And of course, you know I'm laughing with you, not at you...


  7. Oh my, I hope you appreciated that I didn't wish you a happy birthday after all, but I am now (now that you're probably over it), and I'm wondering how old you have to be to NOT KNOW IF YOU'VE WET YOUR BLOOMERS.

  8. Hello Lo! So glad the Fast Diet is working well!! I don't care what you say I am still going to wish you a Happy Birthday! Hate me if you will!! I can just imagine your needle frustration. My grandmother was a dressmaker, but her sewing gene has skipped past me - I hate sewing, hate threading needles,ugh!!
    Sarah x

  9. Hahaha brilliant! It's a nightmare when you drop a needle - try using a magnet and you'll find that bad boy in a jiffy. Or maybe just bare feet, yes bare feet would find that quicker than a magnet.

    I'm reading your blog with interest actually as I'm (only I guess) 41 and I don't like the getting older thing at all. People say you should accept it but no good can come of it in my opinion and we all know it doesn't have a happy ending. Getting old looks rubbish - I'm sure there are great things about it, but I'm not keen on the idea frankly. I'm aiming for 85+ but I think I might revise that number to 95 soon. I always like to be an over-achiever.

    Happy birthday by the way. x

    PS - you'll wanna update your profile then, it still says you're 84 so you're falsely advertising your spriteliness!

  10. I rather like you when you're this way. :-)

    Now go change yer bloomers.



  11. Hello
    I saw your name at Mur Brewster's blog and thought I'd check on someone who is 86. You have an interesting and feisty blog. I am 83 and I've never found any blogger who is older but you get the prize. Well, there is no prize because it isn't a contest.
    Wanna buy a duck

  12. Hi,
    What post of http://secretworldofahousewife.blogspot.com is the one about food? I read your post (via Julie Zickefoose's via another one) and saw the info about fasting, but can't find the info on "secretworldofahousewife." Plus you are a great writer! Looking forward to reading more of your posts!


  13. I just tried to give Mollie the info she asked for on the FastDiet and Sarah's blogs about it but she has no blogsite nor contact info so I will just leave a few bits here in case she comes back to look.
    The best way to get the information is to Google the FastDiet or the 5:2 Diet.
    To read Sarah's blogs re her experiences, go to he blogsite and keep going back through older posts till you get to about April 30. From there thru May there are several very interesting pieces on her reactions and successes,

    As for me....I am sold on it....am into my 5th week , lost 5 lbs, feel much better, have practically no problem with hunger on my fast days and can easily see myself staying on this program for the rest of my life. I could never say that about any other diet I have ever been on and, take my word for it, I have been on ALL of them, every damned last one. Hope this helps.