Friday, January 21, 2011

Guess Who Is #1 in Guinness Book of Klutzes

It's no contest, really.  (You may THINK you are a bigger klutz than I am, but I don't really want to fight about it so please, just acknowledge my greatness in the klutz department and let's move on). 

I started honing my klutzy skills as a child, dropped out of the race for a number of middle years and now seem to be perfecting my technique in my decrepitude.  I am not bragging about this, you understand, just recognizing and accepting it.

As a child my claim to the title rested on simply falling down a lot,  often from standing on my own foot and then trying to pick up the bottom foot to walk, but also tripping over twigs, pebbles or cracks in the pavement.  When I grew  my great boobs my talents expanded to feats like catching my dress or shirt on the  protruding bolts  holding the ping pong table net in place, thereby rending asunder my garments with great regularity.    Until I learned to allow for the protrusions I hardly owned any clothing which had not been darned or otherwise mended from such encounters, much to my poor Mamma's grief and horror.   

Then when I lost 50 lbs. and stopped bumping into so many things the plague went into a state of remission, I guess.   I remained somewhat accident prone but things took on a much more sophisticated quality as I learned to use tools .......I think the epitome was reached when I managed to nail my finger to the picture frame I was building........lesson: never hold the piece of wood with your fingers behind the place where you are hitting the nail with the hammer.  

It is a small miracle that I survived all those years of using power tools and building stuff while still keeping all fingers and toes and minor limbs attached to my body.  God was good to me and my Guardian Angels must have worked overtime.  . However, after the past few days I think the plague is returning.  I have been behaving like my left foot is attached to my right leg and vice versa.  This is beyond klutzy.  A few days ago I was trying to put on a stretchy velcro knee brace and pulled so hard to stretch the flap that I pulled my foot off the chair it was resting on thereby knocking over the chair and myself in the process.  Only bruises, tenks gott, but very unsettling (no pun intended).

Before continuing I must explain that one of my many weird habits is to keep my purse (very large with 2 carrying straps) on the floor under the dining table where I live for a good part of the day since that is where the laptop resides.)  Consequently, I should at all times be very careful to ensure that it is tucked safely under the table without protruding enticingly to tempt disaster.  Well, of course, I don't, so there have been many awkward encounters, but none as great as last nite when I rose from my chair to let a cat in or out or fetch some delicacy from the kitchen or something and somehow managed to step into the jaws of the purse which then wrapped it's straps around my leg and anchored me to the floor on the left side.  Meanwhile, my right leg was still merrily making it's way to the other room.  Both dining chairs went over in this one and I found myself in my old familiar position of a shambles and general state of disarray on the floor with several cats peering down at me with puzzled expressions.  Careful counting elicited the info that I still had all my body parts attached, no one was bleeding and nothing seemed to be broken, sprained or otherwise mangled.  Sigh.  

This is obviously very dangerous and must be solved at once.....migawd I could have fallen on a cat and killed it.  I had better go into the rubber room to ponder..........I love to solve problems, but this one may not be so easy..............

P.S. On another subject entirely:

To my new follower, Shirley, who made me faint with joy when she said she went back and read every one of my blogs (wow) your comment yesterday has no ID so I do not know how to thank you privately......therefore you must endure this public gratitude and/or embarrassment and humiliation......Thank you!

And, while I am on the subject......., to all my dear followers whose affection and loyalty I appreciate and treasure.........thank you , dear ones from the bottom of my light up my life!


  1. And Lo- you light up our life.
    Please honey- move the purse. Give it a new home. It sounds as if it may have evil intent on your legs.

  2. Dear Lois, we must be somehow related - we seem to share the same, less desirable but oh-so-fun variant of the "physical grace" gene! Indeed, I do think the gene's effect is relapsing and remitting - but it is currently in full swing in me! This morning I managed to twist my foot up in a long fiber from the bathroom rug (which has been there for at least a year) and face plant in the hall. I'd give the fall a 10, as I'm sure would my cat, who sat and stared at me with a satisfied look on his feline face! Take care! Just found you, can't wait to catch up on more of your posts, and wouldn't want you to do anything which might prevent you from keepin' 'em coming! Cheers, Headstrong

  3. Great post, and I am glad you are okay.
    You sound like my daughter, who used to fall down just walking across the living room. Once she swung her arm around and hit the wall and broke a bone etc. I used to get scared at the emergency department thinking they would wonder what was going on.

  4. No arguing with you for the title, but i must claim second place for my Brother-in-Law, The Mouth. The man could fall down over his own shadow, and has. Every set of plates, glasses, or anything else fragile that i have ever had is incomplete because of him. When the whole family goes out to a restaurant, there is more food under his place at the table than under the children's high chairs. The man can drop and break anything, and has at one time or other.

  5. Wooooo! Very glad you are ok - and all your cats were present and accounted for (and not flat). :)

  6. Now I KNOW we are related!!!!!!!!

  7. LOL. No really, out loud. My husband thinks I'm losing it, so I'm sending your link to him. Thankfully I've never been totally clumsy, my dumbest move was trying to kick my brother while in a nightgown, taking my other foot out from under me in the process. More than once.