Monday, January 28, 2013

Warning: Subject Matter May ContainObjectionalble or Shocking Material

In which I rant a bit about loss and grief. 

See, I warned you.  But, hey now, don't run away.......I will try to make some of this funny although you may have never considered any of those subjects as having any humor to them.   Perhaps I had better begin by passing along a joke sent to me by my dear friend, Bob Ringwald, Master Jazz Musician, Raconteur, proud Father of Molly  and provider of almost daily smiles via email, godblesshim.   Here's one of his latest offerings.

(even if you have already heard this one, it is still funny,)

The Pickle Slicer

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from a psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it

or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and

wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately


Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts

only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too." ~~

-Bob Ringwald


And now back to the less acceptable subjects.

Like so many of my thoughts, ideas and convictions, my attitudes toward dealing with loss and grief and guilt are unorthodox and irreverent.  I have cockamamie ideas about loss, and grieving.  And guilt.  I may have to write a whole separate chapter on guilt.  We'll see. For now I will just ramble on the first two.

Recently I have done some grieving of my own over loss of a dear, young member of my  family and also have suffered with some of my beloved blog family who are grieving and I keep wishing I could help those who have lost someone and are in pain.  Unfortunately, it seems that only love and sympathy help a bit..(.and the bringing of hams and casseroles, of course) ....words and suggestions are useless.  What a shame, since I have so many of them.  But it just occurred to me that perhaps they might be helpful to someone who is not in the throes of grief and so I will muse on about some of the most avoided subjects known to mankind (and womankind too.)

Loss......hell, there is so much loss in life.  First you lose your childish innocence, then your virginity, your youthful freshness, your good looks, your ideals, some of your hair, maybe your teeth, your mobility, your marbles, all hope and finally your life.    Bummer.  The only one you don't regret is your virginity.  And you lose your heart a bunch of times, but always get it back, wounded and battered, but take heart (couln't resist) .........with some crazy glue and duct tape you can usually fix that enough for you to go on and lose it again. 

And you lose people you love, some people who you didn't love so much (and maybe did not love at all) but who were important in shaping your life for better or worse and you lose some people without whom you are sure you can't go on living....but you can and you will and you do......somehow.

You might never know it by my outward mostly cheerful demeanor, but I have suffered a lot of losses in my life, a lot of mistreatment and a lot of pain from it all.  But I cannot and never could stand the process of long, drawn-out grieving over each incident.  Like pulling off a bandage fastened to you with sticky tape which you know is going to hurt, I prefer to pull it off all at once, yell one big "OUCH"  and be done with it.  It just hurts for so much longer if you try to do it slowly..  Suffer and get it over with, I say.  Not easy, but a desirable goal. 

I know some people who cling to a particular loss, protect it, fan the flame of pain  and build the  rest of  their lives around it as though it were the life project they were meant for......they even form support groups similar to AA (this is true, honest) where they meet regularly for years with others who have the same mindset and supposedly help each other by exchanging sympathy and memories but actually help more (I think) to  keep the wounds from healing.  I consider this a real  addiction and a shameful self indulgence....endless and excessive mourning does not help the dear departed one bit.  Does it really help the person with the loss?   I dunno.....I can't see how.   I have a theory about it (I have theories about nearly everything, haven't you noticed?)  It seems to me that they are so angry at God for taking their beloved that they don't know what to do with the feeling (unacceptable) so they convert it into a monster grief (acceptable) which they can express openly.  Trouble is, grief will usually diminish in time but rage never does so they are stuck in a very bad place.   Kind of like a life lost over a life lost.  So pitiful.....what a waste.

For me, I have learned that nothing lasts forever. Even the good stuff changes and evolves.  If we can, we should cherish the good while we have it, tolerate the bad until it goes away or we can get rid of it and constantly be grateful for whatever joy we have had and may continue to be blessed with.  .

Oh, more thing.  As far as losing a Lover is concerned, that is totally different.  I guess  am a monster who is incapable of continuing to mourn over the loss of someone who hurts me, uses me, shames me, fails me, abandons, deceives and deserts me.  When my fiancee, my first real,, adult (?) love-of-my-life dumped me 2 inches from the altar when I was 20, I wept bitter tears for a few hours moaning about what would I do without him.  .  Then I suddenly realized what a huge favor he had done both of us by revealing the flaws in our relationship BEFORE we got married.  I heaved a sigh of relief, gathered up all the soggy kleenex and said, "Oh, thank you,  Dick."   (no, no, that was his name).  I then went to sleep trusting that tomorrow would be a  better day and the hole in my heart would heal and, of course, it did.  . As did all of the countless other holes in my heart and wounds of various kinds inflicted over the many years.  I have found that losing something or someone is sometimes so much better than having to keep it and live with it.

  Ho boy, is it ever!


  1. I'm a band aide ripper offer, too. Thanks for making it so much more clear than I could ever make it.

  2. Another band-aid ripper offer here...

    "The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain"
    Kahlil Gibran

    Offering hugs ~

    PS ~ Are you getting ready for Sunday???

  3. Know exactly what you mean and have never understood the need to create altars for those that have moved on. I've buried a husband, son, and a daughter, grieved, and continued to live. Does that mean I loved them less than those who do otherwise? I think not. I'm with Gibran (carried his book around with me nonstop when I was 20!). When you make grief your reason for living, there's a much deeper problem. Death is a part of life, in my opinion, and we honor those we love by holding on to the happier times. Prayers are with you for your recent loss, along with hugs.

  4. Oh, Lo. I completely agree with you. As usual. I think, though, that some of us are inclined towards being able to do the quick-rip of grief and some of us are not. Just as some of us have blue eyes, and some of us brown. I am not sure we can control it.
    I am one of those, I think, of whom you speak who is going through the aftermath of a death and as you know, in my case (and in most, probably) it is a messy business but I assure you that on the days when I feel relief so strongly that I can feel my heart soar, I cherish that feeling and do not deny it. On the other days, I trudge through and get the physical stuff done which must be done and assure myself that tomorrow is another day.
    And hopefully, one in which my heart will soar again.

  5. Thank you for passing on your wisdom. Wisdom is something that can not be taught, but is gained through painful experiences.

    You must have had much pain in your life for you are clearly very wise.

  6. Alright. The Polish Pickle Slicer joke had me snorting pretty loud. Thanks for sharing

  7. Amen and Amen. And the joke brought a needed smile.

  8. This is a wonderful read. I bet it's going to help a lot of people who read it, me included. Thanks Lo!

  9. So one more person joins the chorus: You are just amazing. You really are. I find myself often wanting to "wallow" in the grief. Thanks for a nudge in the butt. The loss never goes away but I think you are right on the money. Thank you thank you thank you! I hope when I am your age I have as much wisdom and wit and... well. Thanks.

  10. I had a big bout of grief to content with a while back and the depth of it overwhelmed me, but I got through it and am the wiser for it. A classic "bandaid by degrees" person in the past,(ie. four years of separation before a divorce) it didn't serve me well.
    I think I just might be ready for the bandaid rip methodolgy next time around. We learn by our experiences....and the joke? Wonderful.