Dangers of an Empty But Not Idle Mind

When a person gets up into the high decades, a person begins to examine his/her life for glaring  fatal flaws of the soul and embarrassing patches of dubious backsliding or cowardly non-development.  At least, this person does.    I have been ruminating a lot lately and falling into periods of deep introspection.  This has brought me to several unsettling conclusions.

While pondering a few things recently  I realized that all the supposed good deeds I have done in my life may have been done  for all the wrong (like selfish) reasons.  Because, while the intention may be to benefit the other person, the doing of the good deed  makes ME feel good.   So, the question is......am I really a good samaritan or am I a self indulgent wuz?     Oy, Oy......Where do I go from here with this?  Do they still count as good deeds?  Or do they all get reclassified as sinful black demerits?

First, let us  assume for the sake of this blog, that the concept of "heaven" has some basis for belief.   If they are indeed sins I wouldn't stand a chance of getting anywhere near the pearly gates much less gaining entry.  I am shaken to my very foundation by the realization that some of those qualities which I have assigned the name of   "virtues" can just as easily be considered sins  (of the darkest kind).


It also occurred to me that, based on what I understand to exist in the rulebooks of many established religions, the more heinous the sins and the more blackhearted the sinner may be, said  black sheep  gets preferential treatment on getting into heaven if he acknowledges his sins, accepts into his heart the particular Savior, repents and begs forgiveness.  Does this mean then that those who have sinned less often  and less grievously are relegated to the tail end of the line,  perpetually delaying their chances of getting into heaven by having not been evil enough and therefore unable to repent enough.......etc.?

Oh, dear.

Using  this premise then, it appears to me that maybe  the only folks who have been getting  into heaven for quite some time are the dirtiest rottenest scoundrels who are wise enough to take advantage of this loophole thereby getting moved to the front of the line, while those of lesser faults are still cooling their heels in the antechambers or outside the gates altogether.  Now, I know that life is not fair, but this seems to overdo the inequity of things a bit much, wouldn't you say?  Damn!

Hmmmmmm........I am really sorry that I started on this line of thinking in the first place.  It appears that the only way I will get out of this corner that I have painted myself into is to fall back on the blessed argument of symbiosis.........the delightful condition where you sort of get to ask,   "Mmmmm......was it as good for you as it was for me?.....and the other person says, "Mmmmmm....even better."