Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Conversations With Myself.....

Yeh, yeh, today I come to you, not in the role of Profound Thinker and Pronouncer of Truths but as the meshugina schlepper that I really am most of the time.  (Actually, I never come to you as those other things, but sometimes words pour out of me that surprise even me and all my other selves............if you wanted to be nasty you could add another few labels to my list......schizoid multiple personality kook....but then, aren't we all)

I never intended to  blog today, but I found myself hearing words coming out of my mouth from the moment I arose from my bed and it occurred to me that one of the pitfalls of living alone is that one does tend to talk to one's self.    Nothing wrong with that, mind you......except that the next perception that I had was that I was not really talking to myself at all......I was talking to everything from the cats to inanimate objects.  I am not sure which is crazier (nor could I care less) but it tickled the hell out of me and made me laugh when I said to Mr. Squirrel.......who came out of the tree to eat his breakfast of sunflower seeds and peanuts thinking I was on my way back to the house, whereas, in reality, I was lurking behind a bush watching him devour seeds like he had never had a square meal and might never have one again.  When I poked my head out a  bit to see him better, he froze and contemplated flight, and I shouted in exasperation, "What's the matter with you, you damned fool, MFing squirrel.......don't you recognize me......I am Lo, Official Bringer of Goodies fercrissake."  He said nothing but looked at me oddly like he was hoping I would not have a seizure or something before he finished, and that is when I had to burst out laughing.

A few minutes prior to this I had overheard myself chatting at a hummingbird.  For weeks I have been messing around with the little feeders that I use which the birds love but which pain me because they have no perches.  I know that hummers use huge amounts of energy with that faster-than-sound flapping which enables them to hover and feed, but I have seen some feeders that have perches which clever hummers use to sit and  dine at rest, thereby conserving the energy of their meal for better things.  As I have said a gazillion or more times, I hate waste so I have been creating little perches out of wire and attaching them to one feeder to see if I can get one of the adorable little bastards to sit down and slurp like a mench.   So far to no avail.  But, this morning I readjusted the angle of the perch and watched hopefully and damned if I didn't see one of my guys stop flapping his wings and sit  sipping leisurely.    Be still my beating heart!  I heard myself muttering first, "Thank you, God" and then, "Oh, thank you, you clever befeathered creature......you have made my life complete."  He (or she) said nothing and did not even look at me oddly.  Just wiped his bill on the nearest twig, probably burped politely and nonchalantly flew away.  He or she already knew it was not necessary to thank me.

Earlier still, I overheard myself make a deal with the step stool.  I have practically given up climbing up on ladders and step stools because of my main motto, "Don't Fall Down!".  Today, the light over my kitchen sink burned out and with my poor vision I cannot promise my fingers any safety without that light.  Sigh.  Wednesdays Florence is off so I weighed the choices and heard myself say, "If I were you, Lois, I wouldn't do that." (oh, yes, I give myself advice all the time).  However, I decide to ignore my own good advice and   try getting up into the light bulb closet on my own, but first I had to hammer out a bargain with the step stool which has been hinting that it needs it's nuts and bolts tightened.

"Just keep all your lovely parts together for one more climb and I promise you I will tighten you up or have Michael, when he next appears,  tighten every bolt and nut and make you feel strong and proud. " I begged.  And I felt tacit agreement from the stool  before I made the successful ascent and descent.  'Tenks Gott."  Yes, I said it out loud.


There is no use my relating my earlier conversations with the cats.....they are too banal to be worthy of repeating and beside, they are different in that the cats do answer me....in fact, sometimes they start the conversation and I just reply to humor them and shut them up.

So now,the cats are out lounging around the swimming pool, Mr. Squirrel is probably having an afternoon nap and the hummers are coming and going, probably without using the perch, but, what the hell.....I done my best.  The next words that come out of my mouth will probably be a few epithets I hurl at the computer which does not talk back......it just crashes when it is least convenient and smirks quietly.

I think I must go now, be quiet for a bit  and put cold cloths on my forehead........I'll be OK in a little while, honest.

P.S.  While I am resting I will be formulating in my mind the conversation I intend to have with Ms. Possum when she come to the Goody table tonite.  In addition to kitty kibble and leftover canned cat food, I usually put out a dish with grapes and a plate with crumbled fig newtons for the possums and raccoons.  Yesterday Florence came home with grapes with seeds....they were all out of the seedless variety......so I put them out thinking possums don't know that myth about "if you swallow seeds a tree will grow in your belly".   I have disproved that myth by chompfing up the seeds and even swallowing them whole. Ha!   Today when I went out on the porch to take in all the empty plates and bowls I saw that Possum had gobbled the grapes and neatly spit out the seeds on my porch.   Just you wait, Ms Possum...........

24 comments:

  1. I talk to inanimate objects all the time. They're called bloggers on the internet. We recognise, I think, that physical boundaries are breaking down, isn't that wonderful?
    Hope you don't mind my jumping in. We have Rosie in common.

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  2. Tim, darling.....so glad you came to visit (thanks Rosie) .......but are you contending that Bloggers are inanimate objects?.......

    Invisible, yes.....but I take issue with "inanimate"...

    ..of course it is true I don't move around as much as I used to......

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  3. Talking too inanimate objects is fine. Reporting that they have answered you, not so much. Love your sense of humor, Lo.

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  4. Loverly post!! Don't forget your promise to the step-stool!
    I talk to inanimate objects ALL the time! My computer, the husband, etc...
    ;-)))

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  5. It's fine to talk to inanimate objects, just be careful if they start answering back.

    Screaming at uncooperative computers is mandatory. To err is human after all, but to really fowl things up requires technology.

    As for talking to cats, my adult cats ignore me. It's the kittens who talk all the time, usually about how they are starving and cannot possibly be expected to learn to drink out of a bowl yet, they need that bottle still!

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  6. I find nothing at all odd about that post, Lo. Get this- I feel GUILTY if I do NOT speak to my chickens every morning. Like they'll think I don't love them.
    Which of course I do. But sometimes I just don't feel like speaking first thing. Which makes me feel...guilty.

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  7. Lo,

    I am so happy to meet you for this reason:

    "What's the matter with you, you damned fool, MFing squirrel.......don't you recognize me......I am Lo, Official Bringer of Goodies fercrissake."

    Do you know how many times I have shouted the same thing?

    I talk to birds, fish, dogs, anything. I hold conversations with myself, also. I speak for my dogs during conversations. They each have their own voice.

    Yeah, I'm a kook.

    My last photo essay on hummingbirds from last summer:

    http://marys-view.blogspot.com/2010/07/thirty-minutes-of-this-morning.html

    I burned out on blogging a year ago. I intend to write more often and use my camera more often this year. I won't forget you.

    Mary

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  8. Of course I talk to the life around us....here it's the dog, plants, seedlings, garden worms, ants, various types of birds, deer, cats, my back and knee both when they hurt and when they don't, etc. etc. etc. One of my most important conversations was with a large black bear who appeared on my path one day, between me and my car. He, or she, seemed content to know I was a friend of Winnie the Pooh and not to be eaten. All listen attentively and don't answer rudely which is more than I can say for some people.

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  9. PS the above was written by Barbara, not Daisy who is napping after a day at the beach.

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  10. My husband talks to himself all the time - and he lives with me!! What does that tell you??

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  11. Talking to oneself is a sign of intelligence... didn't you know that? I've even been known to answer me -- and that's scary! Great, fun, post. Come visit when you can talk yourself into it!

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  12. I have never come across something that is inanimate. I talk to everything...all the time. Including you...and one of your other fans.

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  13. You don't have to live alone to talk to yourself, inanimate objects, random animals and imaginary friends. I've been doing it since I was a young'un. (Mind you, that was when I swore I could hear two rather malicious voices digging at me from the top of my wardrpobe - but I managed to banish them by climbing up there to tell them to sod off).

    I also talk to myself and rehearse conversations to be (or those that should have been) on a regular basis - usually just under my breath. That's probably why my dear old Dad gave me the nickname Mumbles. It's not a problem, but it has been known to draw some worried looks when at work...

    On another point, I've already decided that when I grow up (if I ever do - I'm hoping that 46 is as adult as I ever have to get, in spirit at least) I want to be just like you.

    So, dear Lo, do keep on chuntering.

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  14. I loved this blog!! I talk to myself all the time, and every inamimate object in the house..especially furniture,,If I run into something, which I do often, my favorite is,,Who the hell put this here!! It's me of course...I live alone.,,and my Penny,,God love her..She hears all my gripes, etc. and she just sits and stares at me with those beutiful brown eyes like she understands every word,,I'm not sure she doesn't, so after my talks with her I feel better,,I vented, without any criticism, advice,smart remarks,,just licks my hand, and settles her little butt right beside me,,Tis wonderful. I coulod really identify with your blog,,,glad you decided to do it today! luv u

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  15. We have a young raccoon making nightly visits again. First time in 3 years...

    She, I think, was in my window on the window sill eating the peanuts I had put out for the squirrels. She got them all while I sat there and watched her eating. The cat had a fit.

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  16. Sorry Lo, I didn't mean to suggest that you or any others of those wonderful people are actually inanimate. It's just the way they manifest themselves to me through this hunk of plastic and expensive metal I'm staring at and thumping right now.

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  17. My daughter has taken to talking to herself. Sometimes she's quite loud and authoritative! When I talked to her about it she told me that all soon-to-be lawyers do it and that I should start worrying when she answers herself back!

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  18. You seem on top form Lo which is awesome. Always a pleasure to read your posts whatever they may contain.

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  19. Hi Lo!

    I followed you here from MurrMurr's blog, and am glad I did! You're a hoot!

    --Patricia Lichen, www.patriciaklichen.com

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  20. I always talk to the damn cats, Lo. Sometimes, it's the best conversation I have all day. Laugh.

    Love you!

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  21. Dearest Lo, you're brilliant. I hope I'm just like you in forty years. I love your humour and your posts.

    I've always talked to animals, plants, random objects, whatever. I find nothing odd in that. I'm convinced the living things understand me perfectly.

    I adore your porch buffet. My dad something very similar. He's built this open porch that he grows fabulous things on and has all different levels for the birds, squirrels, hedgehogs etc. He even has miniature deer which are called Muntjac's. He loves animals and they love him. I bet he'd love some possums but we don't have them here. I hadn't even seen one until I saw it on Mary's blog!

    If you're having computer problems I say get an Apple. So much easier and more logical to use. They're a joy, you won't regret it.

    Much love, C xx

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  22. I'm so glad I tracked you down through Murr's blog. You left a comment on mine yesterday but your URL wasn't hooked up to your name through Disqus so I couldn't link back to you directly. Anyway, I chatter on endlessly and make deals with inanimate objects, as well so I can definitely relate. I bet we have a lot of other things in common, too. Love your outlook, writing and humor. Look forward to reading you often.

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  23. Or rather, one of the advantages of living alone is not having to leave the house when you want to talk to yourself.

    My dear, you do bring a ready grin to my face. A charming read as always!

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