Wednesday, June 27, 2012

On Cheering Up ......or Exploring the Farthest Outposts of Insanity

Before I maunder on about my current attack of total Madness I want to tell all of you how touched, comforted and impressed I am at your sweet efforts to help me through my perplexities.  Thanks to Messyminny for suggesting how I can solve my font size problem.......I will try it out on this very post....(yes, it worked!)...if it works you should  be reading this in comfort....,if it doesn;t work, get out your magnifying glasses.  And bless all of you for commiserating with will all get an extra  star in your crowns for your good deeds.

I am still in a strange state of disconnectedness.  In my bio I tell of having led several different lives.....I am beginning to suspect I have moved on into yet a third one .......I have no name or description for it yet.  

Looking back down the long path of my life I find myself seeing it in a variety of different one I am the hero and blessed being of my another I am a monumental failure, fuckup and fool and I can make a good case for that one being true.  I find that it hardly matters though......that is the past......and here I am, relatively healthy, with who knows how many years still to go and without a clue about how to get through them.  No wonder I am depressed.

I must utter  a quick squeal of delight and thanks to a friend who sent me an email to cheer me up today.....believe it or not it did cheer me up a bit.  You will laugh when I tell you how come........she warned me to brace myself for the absolute worst......the possibility that the idiot, Romney might actually be elected.  Believe it or not, I have already accepted that as fact and have resigned myself to it, adjusted to accepting total chaos reigning from then on.  Having accepted that, I realize that I cannot possibly sink any lower into feeling bad so I think I am actually feeling a bit better.    

I have decided not to worry about stuff which may not happen within my the total Decline and fall of the United States of America due to rampant  STUPIDITY.  Unless.......horrors....this is like Hamlet when he contemplates ending it all and then is brought up short by, ...."perhance to dream......ay, there's the rub"...........Unless, I am instantly, and without a moment to rest or catch my breath, reassigned to a new lifetime here  on earth (could that be what they have been calling Hell??) in which case, I am not sure what I will do....I have not made plans for that.......gosh....I wonder if one has any rights of refusal and, if so, how many before one is forced to accept the obviously already  blighted lifetime you are being forced to accept.....hmmmmmm....hell and  damn......something I never thought of to worry about......sigh.

I did a really weird thing yesterday and it put me into a state of I don;t know what.  In order to explain this one I must take you back with me to High School where I was snatched from the relative comfort of my dear old childhood friends in Philly and thrust, alone, fat, ugly and friendless into a hell on earth 3000 miles away.......high school here in LA.  The only way I got thru those years was to develop a wild, impassioned, secret crush on the school hero, star of the football team and fella handsome as all getout. Needless to say, we never even met nor spoke, but  the passion at least tethered me to earth during those awful years and kept me from drifting away from the world, ending up entangled in branches and doomed to slowly deflate and expire in some prickly tree on another equally hostile planet.  I have thought of him often in the years since and wondered if he were still alive and yesterday, dammit,  Google made it possible for me to satisfy my curiosity.  I found his obituary from 2007 (which answered my question directly), and learned that he made it to the age of 80, left a wife of 60 years and 4 assorted children.  Damn.  I suddenly realized that I had no chance left to ever corner him in a dark alley and seduce him.....not that that was my best fantasy, but the first that came to mind.  So here I am.....another dream shattered.  There really is nothing left for me since, for some reason, even Mark Harmon has recently lost his charm and appeal and can thank his lucky stars that he is no longer in danger of being stalked by a crazy 85 year old fan in an electric gocart.   He will probably never know how lucky he is unless one of you tell on me (just as my high school crush never knew how in danger he was of being accosted in some dark alley and smothered in sloppy kisses behind the dumpsters.((I didn't know much then beyond huge hugs and sloppy kisses)).

So here I am, really without a dream to call my own and only the joy of blogging and the blessed folk of the blogosphere  to light my way.  Don't are all safe from being dragged into a dark alley and smothered in sloppy kisses......In BlogLand I am really quite harmless, honest.