Be Advised.......I am going into hiding, so, if you love me, don't let them find me and take me away.
The men in the white coats, that is........
I totally lost it today, in front of witnesses, no less. And one of the people who saw me actually beating my head against the wall (the truth is she is the one who drove me to it) happens to be an OCD neighbor who is relentless in taking action when she decides something is amiss. For instance, for the past 2 years or so, she has been keeping a written log of all of the hangups and/or heavy breathing phone calls she has received (sometimes as many as 6 a day she claims) convinced that the culprit is another neighbor down the street who once made the mistake of using a naughty word in casual conversation with her. (No, it was not even the "F" word, but no matter.) and even more damning, he has a scraggly beard and obviously is not to be trusted. After collecting what she felt was enough evidence ( ? ) she has finally taken necessary action and reported these offenses, verbally and in writing (longhand) , to both the phone company and the Police, causing the totally innocent but suspicious looking (to her) neighbor to be visited and grilled by a Detective from the Vice Squad (or Special Victims Unit or something).
After dealing with my neighbor for 40 years you would think I would have better sense than to expose myself to the risk of being labelled "Dangerously Insane" and reported to the Authorities. I realize I screwed up badly this time. I have been secretly beating my head against the wall for most of those 40 years after each encounter of unspeakable frustration with said neighbor and today I just could not restrain myself till she left and I was safely alone. Oh, the shame and horror of it all. The worst part is, there was another witness.....my caregiver, Florence, who tends to accept my madness and strange behavior as part of the job but would find it hard to deny, under oath, that she did, indeed, witness me muttering darkly and banging my head loudly against the kitchen corner post for at least a full minute before I regained some modicum of control. So, if said neighbor (whom we will call "X") pursues her merciless course I am sure she can have them issue a subpoena which will force Flo to testify against me, unwilling, but helpless in the face of legal machinery grinding away........groan....
I can already visualize the men in the white coats coming up the walk carrying cattle prods and strait jackets. There is not a moment to lose..........I would not do well in an Asylum........I have packed Gussie and a spare T-shirt into a cat carrier and am going underground.
I will write when it is safe. And remember, if anyone asks, you don't even know me ........
The New Yorker covers: September 26, 2011
3 hours ago
