A Sin or Merely an Error In Judgment ?

What I am talking about is making promises that you are unable to keep.....I think I recently promised to have one of my cats write my blog for me on days when I was not up to doing so. 

Bad idea! 

It has become disgustingly obvious to me that my children cannot be counted on to blog for me when I am ensconced in the Rubber Room.  I made the rounds this morning,  whispering pleadingly into each furry ear,  and I might as well have been talking to the wall for all the good it did me.  All I got for my efforts was a view of  the usual furry long johns, private parts and waving tails departing with considerable haste up the garden path toward the south 40......... one set orange and white (Baskin), one tortoise shell (Winnie) and, the fuzziest ones, grey and white with a hint of beige (Gussie).  And not a meow of excuse or apology from any of the ungrateful wretches.  I know, I know, I have spoiled them rotten....it is my own fault.........what was it that guy Shakespeare said?   Something like, " How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a thankless child."  I can vouch for that.

Anyway,  before I retreat into the shelter I thought it only fair to report that the cortisone shot my surgeon injected into my gimpy knee seems to be working........Huzzah !  Only trouble is that now I am aware that the other knee is complaining bitterly ............I wonder if I should have asked for BOGO or 2 for the price of one?  I am still pondering my options but I feel I have bought some time to make the decision about whether to go for the knee replacement.  Meanwhile, it is lovely to not be hurting so much.

As for the Rubber Room......I have my Father to thank for inspiring the idea.  A man of enormous suppressed (and expressed)  rage and frustration, he could often be found hitting his head against the nearest wall.  When asked why he was doing this he would reply in a strangled voice, "Because it feels so good when I stop." 

I always say that many of the most important things I have learned in this life I owe to my Father.......at a very young age I found that my best course of action was usually to do the opposite of what Pappy did or suggested I do.  Consequently, the first time I had occasion to hit my head against the wall in rage and/or frustration I found out how much it really did hurt and decided immediately to develop a better way.  I found many less painful alternatives........cushioning the blows with a pillow between head and wall or floor worked well for much of my young life.  Then I discovered that symbolism had its uses and I could often vent my feelings by visualizing an act rather than actually performing it..........hence I could often be found in a sort of trance with a beatific smile on my face, eyes cast upward, while I envisioned (for instance) knocking Pappy to the ground with a vicious knee tackle and then simply beating HIS head repeatedly against the asphalt until I felt better. 

As you can see, a healthy imagination can save you thousands in psychiatric fees later in life, not to mention wear and tear on the cranium, fists, feet and other body parts.  Thus evolved the virtual Rubber Room where I go when I sense I have become a danger to the world in general or, more importantly, to myself.  Believe it or not, it usually works.  Or.....like they say about a dose of Chicken Soup for whatever ails you......."It couldn't hoit."

Now, you will have to excuse me while I retire to my padded cell and envision whirling a bunch of ungrateful, non-blogging cats around by their tails. 

89 things I Am Grateful For

All of You......that's who !

Reading your sweet, encouraging, sympathetic and sensitive  comments on my recent post describing my melancholic excuse for not blogging has touched me to the core of my being and made me realize again how lucky I am to have you all in my life.  It is mind boggling to realize that it only took me 83 years to have found as many as 89 incredible people whom I really love to talk to and listen to.....or rather, to have had 89 of you find me.........the word "miracle" is overused, but I can't think of another one as fitting.

To properly show my appreciation I have just come up with a possible  way of coping with those days when I am not fit for blogging and am out turning over rocks searching for my lost sense of humor...........I have had a brief consultation with Gussie, Winnie and Baskin and they have agreed (somewhat grudgingly) to take over for me when I am not fit for anything much less blogging.

I really do not know which of them, if any, has the talent to tattle on me, ramble on about practically nothing and keep you posted of what shenanigans I am up to when I have locked myself in my Rubber Room but we will undoubtedly find out.........won't we  ?  If they fail I will simply have to send them for lessons to the incomparable Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).........I am sure you all know who I mean but, in case you have missed this delightful experience, run, do not walk, to the blogsite of one of my favorite bloggers and browse till you find one about Liza Bean :

pearl-whyyoulittle.blogspot.com

Is 83 Too Old for A Replacement Knee or Should I Just Limp Quietly Into the Sunset?

Decisions, decisions.........oy, am I sick of making them........however, the alternative does not appeal  to me one bit so onward I go with Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe-ing it.

Actually, I made one decision over the weekend  that sort of made me feel liberated and almost blogworthy again.   After weeks of suffering I decided to consult my Wonderkind orthopedic surgeon who did such a great job on my hip about what he could offer me as a fix for the latest joint to cop-out. 

I was gimping and groaning around the garden trying to reposition all my pots for the winter and finally had to laugh at my less than gazelle-like state.........If I were limping because of my recently mended broken hip I figure it would be perfectly acceptable.........no one (not even I) would dare judge me harshly for that.  But nooooo, it's my partially reconstructed left knee that has decided to deconstruct and keeps threatening to deposit me on my tush or worse. And that worries me because I do not want to have to retake Broken Hip 101 .......I already got at A in that course and feel there is nothing more for me to learn on that subject.

So off I schlepped today to consult my hero the Surgeon .  After xrays were duly taken I was informed that the joint was in the grip of arthritis (so what joint in my bod isn't??) and had little cartiledge left to speak of.

It seems there were still  several options:

1.  Just suffer.    (feh !)
2.  Cortisone shot to relieve pain and mega-knee brace (yuk)
3.  Knee replacement surgery , excruciating rehab and 6 months recovery period.  (aaarrrrrggh)

Number 1 I rejected with disdainful expression and curled lip.    (I could do that without a doctor's advice)

Number 2 I half rejected....hated the mega brace part but found the cortisone shot somewhat appealing

Number 3 had been my favorite going in, but I now was not sure about the sound of the rehab and 6 months of big time pain in the recovery process.

However, the part that did me in was when this formerly brilliant, handsome Jewish Doctah suddenly transformed himself into a nerdy nogoodnick  by turning a beady eye on me and saying, "I don't know if the knee replacement is worth it........after all, you are 83 years old......"

Naturally  I gave him my most penetrating, turning-strong-men-to-stone  Medusa stare and reminded him that I was 82 1/2 years old when I graduated Cum Laude (sp?) from Broken Hip 101, but I ended up opting for just a cortisone shot and the name of the top surgeon for knee replacements for me to ponder.

Now, everyone knows that for anyone with even a drop of Jewish blood, the Doctor is next to God of course.  But,  I must confess, when I left this doctor's office the pedestal on which I had placed him had shrunken considerably.  I am not quite sure, but I think I was grievously insulted...... I am considering suing for malpractice, slander and possibly even non-sexual harrassment......

It 's Been A Dark and Stormy Night......

Hi, my darlings...........I have made yet another unsettling discovery about myself.......sob.

I am nothing but no-good Fair Weather Blogger. (As opposed, for instance, to being a Foul Weather Friend.....my pals know that I may not always be available to them when things are going well for them, but if they stumble into a pot hole or a chasm that is the time they can count on me.)

It seems that I cannot write.....period.....without my sense of humor and, horror of horrors, I seem to have misplaced or lost that most precious item somewhere in the last several months.  I have been blaming my resistance to writing on a strange melancholy or some kind of depressed state, but I realized today that the problem is neither of those things.  It is simply my skewed view of things that I have lost.

All my life I have been able to see something to giggle about in even the worst situations or at least been able to invent something.    For instance, at my cousin Lew's funeral several years ago a bizarre situation arose.  My beloved cousin, Rabbi Avi Bruce would not or could not relinquish his belief that it is the duty of the family to fill the grave.......totally.  (this may be an acceptable practice while there are a gaggle of strong armed young relations still around, but at this point we have lost all such.)  When the prime Mourners, Lew's children and their families, departed after the ceremony along with the non-relatives, that left only a few of us in our 60's thru 70's with the task.  Rabbi Avi (nephew) and niece Debra both with bad backs), her hubby, Steve (always willing even if not totally physically  able) and  cousin Lois (near 80 and losing muscle mightily with each passing second) to do the shoveling......does anyone know how many shovels of earth it takes to fill a grave hole????? ..  at least a gazillion, I can tell you.

I pooped out less than half way but those other stalwart, loyal, awesome if bedraggled members of my family finished the whole job while the grave diggers, whose job it really is, loitered around and shuffled their feet in amazement, probably laughing inside and wondering what could be possessing these insane non-union shovellers.   As I stood gasping and trying to keep from falling down in exhaustion I must admit that I had to swallow a giggle at the strange spectacle.   It was an Edward Gorey moment to perfection.  Well, folks, if it were happening today I could never have managed to find that giggle.

(To extend the family weirdness even further, I have to confess that I picked  and hid in my pocket a foot sized rock  which now resides on my kitchen windowsill with the label "Blumenthal Rock"...........I now feel that my entire family is always with me whenever I chop veggies or do the dishes.)

I must also confess that, now all of a sudden,  nothing seems funny anymore and my imagination has failed me  at digging out (you should excuse the expression)  laughable stuff). 

So there is my weakness and my dilemma exposed.  If I can't find the funny bits I can't write,  hence my absence from Blogland.  Hopefully, all is not lost.......I am feeding the plant like crazy by indulging in chocolate at  every provocation and I think I feel the stirrings of some new roots of funny-bone developing.  Let us all pray (and while you are at it, please pray that my chocolate cure does not result in another 5 lbs.......

Can You See the End of the World From Where You Are?

I have been going through a period of deep melancholy.....quite different from what I used to experience as depression so I have avoided blogging for fear it might be contagious.  

However, yesterday I received an email from a dear friend who shares many of my values, loves and hates and she was so weighed down with the state of things that I realized my own deep Ultramarine blue condition was not that bad after all......I. at least,  have recently developed a few tools to deal with "whats-the-use" and I decided to try to cheer her up with Lois's methods of coping with the End of the World.

So  I wrote her this email...........

Dearest..............

I keep thinking about your most recent letter and your worries about the fate of the world and realized one significant difference between us.  I used to wring my hands just as you are doing and then, not too long ago, I realized that the world is indeed going to hell but, even if I should live another 10 or so years, it won't be completely rotten in my lifetime !!   (probably not even in my young cousins' lifetimes that is, and beyond that is not for me to worry)  I think it might take a pretty long time for the Extremists and the Mongol Hordes to gallop in and completely destroy all signs of civilization.

 So, with that thought in mind I have really been able to shrug most of it off .......it is too bad that the world has to slip back into another set of the Dark Ages or go up in a huge bang or whatever, but as long as I don't have to experience it at its worst I don't really give a damn anymore.  I wish you could adopt my philosophy........it makes things so much easier.

I used to be something of a control freak too and would get frantic when I looked into the future (based on how things were going at the moment).  Now I feel that I have tried  to do my utmost to keep Complete Disaster from overtaking the world and have not succeeded  (up to the age of 83).......that is quite long enough I think.  And after all, it is not my personal failure .......lots of others have failed with me.  Conquering pestilence is apparently easy compared to trying to win over insanity and stupidity.

(I do not know why the rest of this page is in smaller type face nor do I care.........see, my new philosophy is actually working.)

 

  I will be damned if I will waste my remaining moments grieving over what might happen after I have shuffled off this mortal coil. (Yes, I CAN be that selfish, finally) 

By the way, dear....I can follow your dreadful scenario and see it in 3 D.......  can certainly envision an Extremist Muslim takeover of the world happening and the downfall of civilization as we know it, but, as I was falling asleep last nite I suddenly thought of something......Do you really think that China is going to allow that to happen????   (or  the Extreme Right Wing Republicans for crissake? )  Not bloody likely,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so your scenario is not necessarily the only possible one......there may be worse.

I also had a moment of extreme clarity when I saw the SOLUTION...........and why no one has thought of this before is beyond me,     All our scientists have to do is stop whatever nonsense they are working on and concentrate  on inventing an odorless, tasteless gas that would render everyone who breathes it INFERTILE................drop a few cannisters all over  the "enemy"( whoever we determine them to be) and wait a few generations for things to improve.

Now.....won't that help you to sleep better ??

Love, Lo

Dammit...Dumped Again by a Guy.....

Waaaaaaah !  I have been keeping a stiff upper lip for several weeks now, but today was the day my wonderful caregiver, Mickey, hugged me and walked out the door for the last time.   Sob.

Actually, it wasn't me he was running away from.  He claims he is just a country boy and just couldn't stand another moment of living in the big city, especially LA.  He is escaping to a little town near Sedona, Arizona  where the air is clean and the trees and mountains are all around and where his dog can run and he may again be able to have his own horse again.  Yep, that may be the nadir of my assorted rejections......dumped for a horse.

Of course I understand his needs and a wish him nothing but good luck, but I  will miss him mightily....in fact I already do.  Aside from how much he helped me,  Mickey had become a real friend and I am feeling a huge hole in  my life.  I feel like an overinflated balloon and if you are holding any kind of  sharp implement like a pin please don't get too close.

Well, tomorrow I get a  new caregiver and, hopefully, we will develop a fine relationship.  Her name is Florence, she is a friend of my first caregiver, the wonderful Consolee,  and perhaps she will want to learn how to crochet.

Waaaaaaaaah!

Not Today, Darling......I Have a Headache

Sorry.  Just reporting the facts, ma'am.

I have been consulting with various practitioners of the Medical profession but no one yet has come up with the answer for my headache.  Trouble is, it has caused my Blogging switch to be  stuck in the "off" position again, dammit.

I am working on a repair.  Don't give up hope.