What's All This Fuss About Sex - Part 1

Dearest readers.....once again I have lost control of the way my words are presented to you on this blog.......everything looks fine when I am working on the draft but as soon as I hit "Publish"  several phrases are flung into the middle totally out of context.....Ihave tried everything I can think of to make things right to no avail. I think I have offended the propriety of the blog Gods who must be from the previous century or something.  Anyway......I have worked to hard on this endless piece of shit/brilliance to give up, so you will just have to pick your way over the extraneous lines and slog onward.

 I  have an idea that paart of my trouble is that this blog iis just woo long so I have split it into two parts.
Good luck darlings.  Love, Lo
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I cannot believe that it has been a whole month that I have been mulling over several posts by other bloggers which dealt, one way or the other, with the subject of SEX.  I have been trying to organize my own thoughts into some kind of coherent rant......but it is 30 days.  I even made a note of it in the draft I started, inspired by the fabulous  Mary Brewster of "MurrMurrs", the incredible Ms. Yvonne of "YO Momma's Blog", and the talented person who does "Mouthy Housewives".........and I seem to be no closer to publishing than I was when the notion first hit me.  Hence, please forgive if the following words shock,  confabulate,  confuse or downright disgust you.  I am only human, a mere mortal, so you can complain to me if you like,  but please blame either the Creator or Darwin, depending on which way you bend......oops....I mean that in the most dignified sense.


January 12, 2012 9:22 AM          (Murmurrs  ........D'Oh, A Deer)


re Murr Brewster's post on Jan. 12th  which deals with the honorable (?)  Senator Inhofe and his attitudes toward homosexuality and bestiality.....some hint or reference that he is partial to sheep in an unmentionable  way.....and I say, whathehell......so what if he likes  sheep when he can't have his first or second choice?......if the sheep doesn't mind, who is being hurt, I ask you?)....

She also highlights a newspaper article about a man who was arrested (briefly) for having sex with a dead deer on a public road.....yes,   ....roadkill....I think they had to release him when they could not find what law he broke.....maybe just indecent public behavior?  If a man violates a dead deer on a public road and no one sees him but the police is he really contributing to immorality?

I am baffled by some of these weird attitudes about our sexuality.   (I speak honestly as one who , from a young age into not quite my dotage, was known to be One Hot Cookie and resented any critical connotation given to that term.)   I feel we have been burdened  with a too strong dosage of the sex urge as far as I can see.   If you believe in Intelligent Design, then it is perfectly obvious that the Creator made a real blunder.  If you lean toward the Theory of Evolution, then it appears we have not evolved sexually hardly at all, at all.......barely enough to keep up with the ability to stand  upright, walk on just the hind legs and use some primitive tools.   We certainly have not managed to evolve our uncontrolled sexual behavior to suit rational human  needs or at least to keep pace with the level of development of creatures who have learned to use tools as sophisticated as computers, Ipads, Ipods, cellphones and a dozen or more remotes....whatever.

It may have been preplanned initially as necessary for the survival of the species, but it sure as hell has ended up as nothing but a source of agonizingly brief ecstasy and  endless unsatisfied craving, yearning, distraction  and a feeling of general perpetual deprivation and often disappointment.   I guess the logical thinking was that, since the ecstasy is so relatively brief compared to the effort to achieve it,  people would not bother about the activity so much unless they really, truly wanted children or wanted to do something nice for each other on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.    Ha!   Sure.

  That just shows that, whoever or whatever force made  us (possibly Mr. Spock, all intelligence, logic and no emotions), after fashioning the most amazing, unbelievably incredible and complicated physical entity and endowing it with a brain to put other computers to shame, simply did not understand what harm and damage was  being wrought when, at the last moment a handful of assorted incompatible powerful feelings including (but not limited to)  sexual cravings was flung into the mix.  Out went logic and in flounced madness and 4,328 kinds of insanity.  Pity.  All that promising work for nothing.      Like a culinary masterpiece of a dish spoiled by a pinch too much of salt.   

And even worse than our often undignified  sexual behavior is the hypocracy that surounds and totally obfuscates the reality of our true behavior...........it was bad enough when only the upholders of various religious beliefs got into the act, but now that the entire political field is being exposed as tainted.....no.....immersed in sexual weirdness out in the open and in front of the media and all of us, I feel like I am adrift on a stormy sea.  Are infidelity,  masturbation and bestiality as bad as what priests and general lechers do to little boys and girls?


What the hell difference does it make if a person has sex with one's pink vibrator, one's significant other who happens to have the appropriate protruberences and/or orifices,  a sheep or a ripe looking pumpkin in a field somewhere?
No, no, I do not joke here...... there is a man I read about in a newspaper article on another one of these here blogs ( I think it was Dr. Grumpy, that incredibly brilliant and humorous blogger).......a man  who was arrested one night having his way with a pumpkin in a pumpkin field, and who explained to the officers that. as  he was driving home past the field, he was suddenly  aroused by the sight of all of those round rumps in the moonlight and, visualizing  the consistency of the center of a pumpkin, was absolutely compelled to stop the car, leap out  and have sexual congress with the nearest one.  Makes sense to me.

I have heard many times that men think about sex approximately every 13 seconds (or was it 23?) and I can vouch for the fact that  many oversexed young women may not be far behind, but most women, I believe,  do outgrow that eventually due hormonal changes and to the aging of their relevant parts while men, regardless of whether their sexual equipment ages or not, do not seem to ever get their needs, their hormones or perhaps their fantasies adjusted.  And on the 8th day....... came Viagra.

******    This will be continued in the next blog....part 2

Oh, Gawd, I Wish I Had Said That......

This is what I sort of consider cheating.........passing on someone else's blog highlights, but since I am not in fit condition to finish the blog I have in process, and since I believe in spreading the good word, here is an excerpt from a recent "Doctor Grumpy" which is a gem.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Awesomeness

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "I have no idea."

Dr. Grumpy: "You don't know if you have neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "Look, doc, I'm 89. If you pay attention to every ache and pain at my age you become a fucking hypochondriac."

Posted by Grumpy, M.D. at 5:34 AM

In Which I Pass on the Liebster Blog Award

I am still trembling with surprise and delight over Brian Sibley  (BRIAN SIBLEY : his blog)awarding me the Liebster Blog Award and I am still blushing with shame that I lost control over my page format and let the computer devil have his way with me in my last blog where I acknowledged the honor.....Now, I must pass on the award to 5 of my favorite bloggers who do not have more that 200 followers.

However that is not as easy as it sounds....many of my favorites have followers lined up around the block and some of the blogs do not show how many at all.

        

I am going to violate the rules just  teeny bit and blame it on my poor eyesight.  One of the most interesting blogs I follow has just sneaked past 200, but I am going to pretend I did not see that.  Consequently, here are my choices and I bless each one for many hours of delight.  I hope you will find joy in them as well.
  



1.  Murrmurrs   by the incredible Mary Brewster....one of the funniest and most brilliant blogs I am privileged to read.

2.  News From Nowhere by Alan Burnett.....not only interesting, informative and delightful, but he writes Two, the second with his dog .


3.    a little light in london   ......by Lizzie.....this is my latest addiction, and what a fabulous find.


4. April's Reign.....by April who never fails to make me smile.


5. AngelMay's Growing Pains....by Angel May......another pleasure I can count on......sometimes I even say, "I wish I had written that."

Now I wish everyone a rip-roaring good time.....some of you basking in the glow of appreciation and others enjoying new pleasures. 

By the way.....apologies for screwing up the links above.  I hope I have fixed them.  Many thanks to Daisy of Furr-licity for pointing out the errors.

Who me? Aw Shucks........(Sigh.....Moan of Delight)

         This glorious award was given to me by Brian Sibley whom I love madly

     I  am totally  discombobulated by this unexpected honor and have obviously cast a spell upon my computer which refuses to format lines to my liking.  I do not know how to get our of this strange columnular format but I am afraid to do anyuthing drastic for fear of losing the whole damned thing.

Consequently, I am simply going to fall on my knees and kiss the hem of Brian's coat in thanks  (is that a   bit too extreme?)  
I would like to nominate my 5 choices to whom I wish to pass on this honor but I refuse to do it while in the strangling grip of this malfunction, so  I am going to publish this and follow it up with another blog with my choices.  Forgive my incompetence.....I would be ashamed if I weren't so damned proud!

                               

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Ahhh....I Can Sleep Tonite and You Can All Stop Looking...

I am thrilled to report that the brilliant GTChristie of The Moxie Files has come up with, not the answer to my query, but with a way of getting it, and, by George, get it I did !!!

Bless his kind heart and vast stores of knowledge.....who knew that that little tab up in the left hand corner of the screen labelled "History" can give you every damned site you  ever visited, if you have the time and strength to scan each entry into infinity..

You all may have known, but I didn't, and lo and behold, after only 10 or 12 abortive attempts to zero in on the right time frame, I FOUND  the blog about sex which I was looking for and which I mentioned in my last post.  Naturally, after all this fuss I will gladly offer it up for anyone wishing to slake their curiosity or sink so low into the tawdry details, but not tonite.  My eyeballs and fingers are too tired.

Thanks to all of you who so valiantly tried to help me......I love you for that.  And many thanks to the beloved GTC.......you should all be grateful to him too.

Needless to say......more later.

I Need Your Help

This is probably the weirdest blog I ever wrote and possibly that you ever read........particularly considering  the subject matter.  I will not dilly dally nor dither around the bush and will bravely accept any censure , flogging or stoning you might fling at me.......trying to remember and locate a blog I read recently is driving me crazy and only you guys can help.  (providing one or more of you happens to know which blog I am referring to and is willing to share.......which I fervently hope.....

Inspired by Murr Brewster's (Murrmurrs) recent brilliant blog concerning odd sex practices and Rick Santorum, I somehow happened upon a blog that was a sort of an Ann Landers Advice column type thing.  It displayed a letter from a perplexed wife who was complaining that she and her husband only had sex like twice a week, but that he much more frequently seemed to prefer his own hand to her charms and it was eroding her self-confidence.  The blog-writer's answer was a brilliant and wonderful essay on masturbation .......the punchline of which was that if she was getting great sex with her husband twice a week she should give thanks rather than rock the boat.

Have any of you dear readers seen the post and can you tell me who the Blogger is and the name of the Blog?  I long to reread it and perhaps even quote from it in a blog of my own.  (yes, I can talk dirty).

Any info will be greatly appreciated.

WTF......Caftans Out of Style? When Did That Happen?

In a charming blog the other day, Cathy, of Still Waters, mentioned that since caftans were coming back into style she went into her closet and extracted a few well loved ones from the cobwebs in the back.....caftans coming back into style???? 

Holy crap.....are you telling me that they ever went out of style?    Not that I care.......they are what I live in 12 months of the year. For the summer I have a bunch of lovely flowing cool cotton jobs and for the california winter I made a bunch out of sweat shirt fleece, and, for parties, from velour (cotton/polyester velour, that is, so that I can wash them in case I dribble bbq sauce down the front at the latest neighborhood soiree).    I keep saying I don't understand things the older I get.....well......it continues to get worse.....I cannot understand why comfort has to be a sin in the fashion world.  I keep hearing decent, sensible people vilified and ostracized for wearing comfy pants with waist elastic and vain and foolish others sanctified because they wear uncomfortable pants with zippers, in which you are OK as long as you don't want to eat, breathe, sit down or, godforbid, sneeze. The world is mad, I tell you. Save those caftans or, when you get to be 80 you will regret it..     Talking about uncomfortable clothing reminded me of the ultimate torture  garment that I wore daily for a year or so back in the 50's.............this is to demonstrate that I too suffered from vanity and foolishness in my younger life.............have any of you ever heard of the Playtex Rubber Girdle?  

To demonstrate that women have always been obsessed to insanity about their shapes and willing to almost  give up life itself to make some body part smaller, let me describe this product of some sadistic mind......male I am sure. As I recall this item was made our of a pink or  beige rubber, lined (or flocked, they used to call it) with a soft, thin fleece like cotton.  This was so that a person would  be able to don the damned thing....that is, schlepp it up over calves and thighs and hips up to waist height without tearing all the skin off the lower part of one's body, or worse, getting it stuck halfway up and  being paralyzed, since it was tough stuff and would bind one's legs together making them incapable of moving.........imagine having to call 911 under such circumstances.   

Once on, it molded all the bulges into a smooth line from waist to thighs.  If you were lucky, the place where the girdle ended on your thighs was not particularly fleshy, thereupon leaving just the smallest dent and not creating a horrific bulge where the girdle ended.  At the waist, however, no such luck.  Anyone needing to wear such a garment always had a roll of fat along ribs and waist which simply created what they now call "muffin top" I believe.  Unless you happened to be long waisted......or was it short waisted?....... in which case one could pull it up onto one's ribs and avoid the dreaded overflow.  This  sadly created a condition which pulled at the skin on your ribs making one tend to lean slightly forward.....aha.......I just figured out why that wonderful Carole Burnett character, Mrs. Wiggins, the secretary to  Tim Conway, had that strange forward lean to her posture.....she must have been wearing a Playtex, Rubber Girdle.    

By the way, getting out of the PRG was easier than getting into it.....one simply rolled it down to one's ankles and stepped out of the roll of wet rubber........ Oh, I am so ashamed......

All of this, however, is only the beginning of the horror story.  The Playtex folks promised that this girdle would make you lose weight by making you perspire (sweat) the moisture out of the fat on your fat hips and belly, thereby rendering you (yes, exactly....)  thinner, if used  faithfully.  Unfortunately, one did sweat profusely inside this hot rubber wrapping.......the cotton lining was supposed to absorb the moisture but it didn't make a dent.  Consequently, you were enveloped in a very peculiar, not terribly offensive but definitely puzzling odor of  hot, wet rubber with just a touch of something else, also not very attractive except to animals who seemed to find it magnetic........embarrassing, to say the least.

If you are wondering why any person in their right mind would subject themselves to such torture, don't be silly.   Women have always done terrible things to themselves in the quest for beauty........witness a 13 year old girl with incredibly curly hair going to bed nightly wearing curlers ....the old kind were exactly like boar bristle hairbrushes (no foam rubber in those days) and hurt your scalp and skull like hell, plus layers of scotch tape pasted across bangs to straighten them and a shoe lace tied around the neck and around the lower portion of the hairdo just above the lower row of bristly curlers which were rolled up facing the neck ...........even more painful than the upper ones.....to create a Page Boy Bob exactly like Ginger Rogers wore in her movies with Fred Astaire.     

Did it work? Was it worth it?  Don't be ridiculous......I can still hear the "boing" of my hair snapping back into all over curls as soon as the instruments of torture were removed in the morning.......including the  bangs.  Why did I persist?  I have no answer to that question.......it is the perfect description of insanity....one continues to do the same thing over and over to achieve a certain outcome and fails miserably every time, yet, one persists endlessly........sheer madness.       


Sob.  It is the story of our lives.