Sorry If I Offended

I want you all to know that I have pulled my two part "naughty" blog about sex from the rank of "published".

From the lack of and then rather odd comments I received I decided that you do not want to read about that subject from your 84 year Old Lady role model so I will try to be good for a while and behave myself.

No promises, of course.

Meanwhile, to restore your faith in me as a wholesome character, I am proud to announce that I have achieved something beyond my wildest expectations.  I have managed single-handedly  to refill the color cartridge from my printer from a kit !!!

One of my virtues or foibles, I am not sure which, is that I grew up with the 1930's Depression Mentality and have never lost it.....I am frugal, can't stand waste and will go to sometimes ridiculous lengths to save a buck.   In my mind......certain ridiculous lengths are perfectly OK to go to in order to save money.

My blood boils at the thought that, for the price of replacing both cartridges in my printer, I could buy a new printer containing 2 new cartridges  (I know they are reduced capacity, but still....).....what kind of madness is that???.......For years I have been refilling my black ink cartridges from a kit, thereby saving at least $20 - $30 a throw each time and a few years ago I successfully refilled a color cartridge.  For some reason, my recent efforts have ended up in failure, unless you consider a plump Jewish lady festooned from head to toe in Magenta, Blue and Yellow some sort of success.  Worse than that is that the printer, last time, spat at me with harsh words and refused to process what it obviously considered my hand done atrocity. 

So, after running out of ink in my color cartridge last week, I shed many tears and dispatched Florence to  the store to buy......gasp......sob......aaaaarrrghhh.....a new one while I awaited the arrival of a new refill kit that I ordered on line.  When the kit arrived I had many misgivings, but the thought of that wasted $35 propelled me into the Garage to fetch my good old electric drill (which I got free in 1970 with Blue Chip Stamps and which helped me build half my furniture) in order to drill the 3 holes in the top of the cartridge necessary to add ink.  With my wretched vision I had to paint 3 white targets on the cartridge with the only thing at hand which happened to be a bottle of White Out.  (I may be a dirty old lady, but I am inventive)  Then with some trepidation I depressed the trigger on the drill and......voila......a perfect hole in what appeared to have been the compartment for blue.  I could detect from the ink bars on the cartridge that the center compartment was for red and the right hand one was obviously for yellow.

Well, there was no stopping me after that and before you could say "Alakazaam" I had the 3 holes drilled and managed to dispense at least as much colored inks into the cartridge as I got on my person.  A few rolls of paper towels for clean-up........a carefully placed sealing strip of black electrical tape over the holes.....a thousand prayers uttered while reinstalling the cartridge into the printer and, would you believe....it worked. 

Of course the printer is still advising me that my color cartridge is empty.....it does that when you refill.......but at long as it is willing to keep on printing with both cartridges registering empty on its funny little ink meter, I don't give a damn.  I have not only saved $35, but I have outwitted the printer software.

  I feel like Superman/Woman........and who wouldn't?

Sob.....What Have I Done?

I have often admitted to being baffled by this or that, but nothing in the history of  baffledom has confounded me as much as this latest bafflement.  You good people out there have to help me.

Yesterday I published a two part blog with wild rantings about the strange and silly way we deal with the subject of sex.  I figured, because of the subject matter, that even if my writing and thoughts were pure excrement I would surely get a few comments by  today.

However, when I staggered in this morning and eagerly turned on the infernal machine what did I find?

Bubkas.

When I wrote the blogs I jokingly worried about losing at least half of my readers, but......holy moly.......did I lose ALL of them?

Or is Blogger punishing me for my uncensored ramblings by censoring not my words but my readers' comments?

What I  am asking is this........ if you can read this blog (which, to my knowledge, contains not a single dirty word) please advise me by leaving a comment.  I just want to be sure I haven't been totally banned in Blogville.

I desperately  need to be un-baffled.  Please.  Thank you.

What's All The Fuss About Sex - Part 2

And then we have what one might call the DIY Guy.


The following blog is stolen from two wonderful bloggers.....Ms. Yvonne of Yo' Momma's Blog, guesting on Kristene's, The Mouthy Housewives.  I was going to use just excerpts but the whole is so splenderiferous I  am just including the whole thing.
                                                            *********************************

Hold on to your lattes, ladies, because we’ve got a guest Mouthy Housewife on deck today. Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama’s Blog is bringin’ the sass, the spunk, and the spumante! (I hope, anyway. What else am I going to do with all of this orange juice?) She makes me laugh on the regular with her no-holds-barred humor, and really knows how to pull off a mustache. So, without further ado, let’s hear what Miss Yvonne has to say about jerking off! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand Over Me!

My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home.  We have sex
2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?

Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.

I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?

Signed,

Sexually Frustrated

__________________________________________

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.

Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule. This is a good sign. This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it. He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing. This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.

I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you. But it isn’t about you. It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive. In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.

As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay. Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband). They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.

Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama! Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning. Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him. Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?). If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.

And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much. Works for me, every time.

Signed,

Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH


                                   *************************************


Well, that is all I have collected to say about the subject of sex right now.  If you do not agree with me that all of our public attitudes about this subject are insane, then I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.  Meanwhile, have fun y'all out there in whatever way you chose.......I suppose it would be redundant or just plain  crude to say "fuck 'em all" to anyone who objects.........

What's All This Fuss About Sex - Part 1

Dearest readers.....once again I have lost control of the way my words are presented to you on this blog.......everything looks fine when I am working on the draft but as soon as I hit "Publish"  several phrases are flung into the middle totally out of context.....Ihave tried everything I can think of to make things right to no avail. I think I have offended the propriety of the blog Gods who must be from the previous century or something.  Anyway......I have worked to hard on this endless piece of shit/brilliance to give up, so you will just have to pick your way over the extraneous lines and slog onward.

 I  have an idea that paart of my trouble is that this blog iis just woo long so I have split it into two parts.
Good luck darlings.  Love, Lo
                        *********************************
I cannot believe that it has been a whole month that I have been mulling over several posts by other bloggers which dealt, one way or the other, with the subject of SEX.  I have been trying to organize my own thoughts into some kind of coherent rant......but it is 30 days.  I even made a note of it in the draft I started, inspired by the fabulous  Mary Brewster of "MurrMurrs", the incredible Ms. Yvonne of "YO Momma's Blog", and the talented person who does "Mouthy Housewives".........and I seem to be no closer to publishing than I was when the notion first hit me.  Hence, please forgive if the following words shock,  confabulate,  confuse or downright disgust you.  I am only human, a mere mortal, so you can complain to me if you like,  but please blame either the Creator or Darwin, depending on which way you bend......oops....I mean that in the most dignified sense.


January 12, 2012 9:22 AM          (Murmurrs  ........D'Oh, A Deer)


re Murr Brewster's post on Jan. 12th  which deals with the honorable (?)  Senator Inhofe and his attitudes toward homosexuality and bestiality.....some hint or reference that he is partial to sheep in an unmentionable  way.....and I say, whathehell......so what if he likes  sheep when he can't have his first or second choice?......if the sheep doesn't mind, who is being hurt, I ask you?)....

She also highlights a newspaper article about a man who was arrested (briefly) for having sex with a dead deer on a public road.....yes,   ....roadkill....I think they had to release him when they could not find what law he broke.....maybe just indecent public behavior?  If a man violates a dead deer on a public road and no one sees him but the police is he really contributing to immorality?

I am baffled by some of these weird attitudes about our sexuality.   (I speak honestly as one who , from a young age into not quite my dotage, was known to be One Hot Cookie and resented any critical connotation given to that term.)   I feel we have been burdened  with a too strong dosage of the sex urge as far as I can see.   If you believe in Intelligent Design, then it is perfectly obvious that the Creator made a real blunder.  If you lean toward the Theory of Evolution, then it appears we have not evolved sexually hardly at all, at all.......barely enough to keep up with the ability to stand  upright, walk on just the hind legs and use some primitive tools.   We certainly have not managed to evolve our uncontrolled sexual behavior to suit rational human  needs or at least to keep pace with the level of development of creatures who have learned to use tools as sophisticated as computers, Ipads, Ipods, cellphones and a dozen or more remotes....whatever.

It may have been preplanned initially as necessary for the survival of the species, but it sure as hell has ended up as nothing but a source of agonizingly brief ecstasy and  endless unsatisfied craving, yearning, distraction  and a feeling of general perpetual deprivation and often disappointment.   I guess the logical thinking was that, since the ecstasy is so relatively brief compared to the effort to achieve it,  people would not bother about the activity so much unless they really, truly wanted children or wanted to do something nice for each other on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.    Ha!   Sure.

  That just shows that, whoever or whatever force made  us (possibly Mr. Spock, all intelligence, logic and no emotions), after fashioning the most amazing, unbelievably incredible and complicated physical entity and endowing it with a brain to put other computers to shame, simply did not understand what harm and damage was  being wrought when, at the last moment a handful of assorted incompatible powerful feelings including (but not limited to)  sexual cravings was flung into the mix.  Out went logic and in flounced madness and 4,328 kinds of insanity.  Pity.  All that promising work for nothing.      Like a culinary masterpiece of a dish spoiled by a pinch too much of salt.   

And even worse than our often undignified  sexual behavior is the hypocracy that surounds and totally obfuscates the reality of our true behavior...........it was bad enough when only the upholders of various religious beliefs got into the act, but now that the entire political field is being exposed as tainted.....no.....immersed in sexual weirdness out in the open and in front of the media and all of us, I feel like I am adrift on a stormy sea.  Are infidelity,  masturbation and bestiality as bad as what priests and general lechers do to little boys and girls?


What the hell difference does it make if a person has sex with one's pink vibrator, one's significant other who happens to have the appropriate protruberences and/or orifices,  a sheep or a ripe looking pumpkin in a field somewhere?
No, no, I do not joke here...... there is a man I read about in a newspaper article on another one of these here blogs ( I think it was Dr. Grumpy, that incredibly brilliant and humorous blogger).......a man  who was arrested one night having his way with a pumpkin in a pumpkin field, and who explained to the officers that. as  he was driving home past the field, he was suddenly  aroused by the sight of all of those round rumps in the moonlight and, visualizing  the consistency of the center of a pumpkin, was absolutely compelled to stop the car, leap out  and have sexual congress with the nearest one.  Makes sense to me.

I have heard many times that men think about sex approximately every 13 seconds (or was it 23?) and I can vouch for the fact that  many oversexed young women may not be far behind, but most women, I believe,  do outgrow that eventually due hormonal changes and to the aging of their relevant parts while men, regardless of whether their sexual equipment ages or not, do not seem to ever get their needs, their hormones or perhaps their fantasies adjusted.  And on the 8th day....... came Viagra.

******    This will be continued in the next blog....part 2

Oh, Gawd, I Wish I Had Said That......

This is what I sort of consider cheating.........passing on someone else's blog highlights, but since I am not in fit condition to finish the blog I have in process, and since I believe in spreading the good word, here is an excerpt from a recent "Doctor Grumpy" which is a gem.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Awesomeness

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "I have no idea."

Dr. Grumpy: "You don't know if you have neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "Look, doc, I'm 89. If you pay attention to every ache and pain at my age you become a fucking hypochondriac."

Posted by Grumpy, M.D. at 5:34 AM

In Which I Pass on the Liebster Blog Award

I am still trembling with surprise and delight over Brian Sibley  (BRIAN SIBLEY : his blog)awarding me the Liebster Blog Award and I am still blushing with shame that I lost control over my page format and let the computer devil have his way with me in my last blog where I acknowledged the honor.....Now, I must pass on the award to 5 of my favorite bloggers who do not have more that 200 followers.

However that is not as easy as it sounds....many of my favorites have followers lined up around the block and some of the blogs do not show how many at all.

        

I am going to violate the rules just  teeny bit and blame it on my poor eyesight.  One of the most interesting blogs I follow has just sneaked past 200, but I am going to pretend I did not see that.  Consequently, here are my choices and I bless each one for many hours of delight.  I hope you will find joy in them as well.
  



1.  Murrmurrs   by the incredible Mary Brewster....one of the funniest and most brilliant blogs I am privileged to read.

2.  News From Nowhere by Alan Burnett.....not only interesting, informative and delightful, but he writes Two, the second with his dog .


3.    a little light in london   ......by Lizzie.....this is my latest addiction, and what a fabulous find.


4. April's Reign.....by April who never fails to make me smile.


5. AngelMay's Growing Pains....by Angel May......another pleasure I can count on......sometimes I even say, "I wish I had written that."

Now I wish everyone a rip-roaring good time.....some of you basking in the glow of appreciation and others enjoying new pleasures. 

By the way.....apologies for screwing up the links above.  I hope I have fixed them.  Many thanks to Daisy of Furr-licity for pointing out the errors.

Who me? Aw Shucks........(Sigh.....Moan of Delight)

         This glorious award was given to me by Brian Sibley whom I love madly

     I  am totally  discombobulated by this unexpected honor and have obviously cast a spell upon my computer which refuses to format lines to my liking.  I do not know how to get our of this strange columnular format but I am afraid to do anyuthing drastic for fear of losing the whole damned thing.

Consequently, I am simply going to fall on my knees and kiss the hem of Brian's coat in thanks  (is that a   bit too extreme?)  
I would like to nominate my 5 choices to whom I wish to pass on this honor but I refuse to do it while in the strangling grip of this malfunction, so  I am going to publish this and follow it up with another blog with my choices.  Forgive my incompetence.....I would be ashamed if I weren't so damned proud!