You Say You Want Dragon.....OK, I'll Give You Dragon

I want you to know that I appreciate your suggestions to help me overcome my vision problems, especially in relation to the blog. I'm not going to chastise you for forgetting my very funny blog written about a year ago with the assistance (that's a joke) of the Dragon software.  I would repost it or refer you back to it if I had any idea when it was posted...but, never mind.  We can somehow proceed without it.

Listen you guys, if you haven't learned anything else about me you surely must know that I am a prodigious, fantastic problem solver. Why else would I have been the one out of the whole Information Services Dept. who they  called in the middle of the night to come in and fix computer programs that always broke down when everybody was asleep?   With my convoluted brain and some duct tape I can usually find a way to fix things or develop a useful substitue solution.....well, I said "USUALLY".

When I first heard about the Dragon program I was dancing on the ceiling with optimism. I wish you were not know that's not right…oooops,  Let's try that again. I was sure ........(that's better) that the   Dragon program would be my solution and I spent many, many Mary hours. No that Noto no no no… That should have been and that he on our why. note .........nope, we're still not there. Perhaps I had better give up trying to use Merry and say hilarious hours trying to dicta now the deer te a blog. Oh, dear.  See, the problem is that my vocabulary is a little larger and perhaps more obscene than that of the dragon's.  Also, my diction is not always perfect.  Some words it gets just fine, and others not so good.  But let us stagger on with this experiment. 

The Dragon program is quite remarkable.  You can actually teach it words it doesn't know.  Trouble is, like an Alzheimer's patient, it has very short, short term memory.  It forgets very quickly and you are back to square one.  I think I told you about the time I tried to teach it my favorite expletive…shitpissfuck… And after about 10 tries, by George H gooGod it wilts whoops… I think we are off the track again, all though I think we could use God's help about now,  Maybe right now.  I meant to say "by George, it's got it".  The next day, however, it had forgotten the lesson completely......very disheartening.  The problem is, I can barely see to place the cursor in the right spot to make corrections manually, either of Dragon or of my own errors, so it is a bit of  a struggle.


I do not plan to give up!  I do plan to go back to working with Dragon to see if I can learn how to teach it to remember words I have just taught it.  Hell, I may even spring for th most current version to see if they have improved the program since I bought it.  Meanwhile, pull on your girdles and buckle up your safety belts.......it may be a bumpy ride.


Much love to all of you and happy holidays.  May we all have a   healthy, peaceful, shitpissfuck-free 2014.  (Last sentence written by a human..... with slight Dragon tendencies.)

New Theory About That Light At The End of the Tunnel

 It occured to me just the other day that there is a grave danger (beside an approaching train) to seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  Lately I have been in a sort of deep hole and while scrabbling aaround and digging away at the bottom hoping to manage to tunnel out to a better place I had  better be damned careful if I see light ahead.......when I emerge I may see nothing but a lot of Chinese looking folks..........digging without checking with a level could be disastrous......A person might even end up in Iran.......horrors.

OK.  The good news first.  After a rather awful month or so battling sciatica and the Blues I think I have finally won the struggle with sciatica.......except for a few twinges now and then my back has healed pretty much........I can even do my back strengthening (?) exercises again.....on those days when I can force myself to do anything that requires any sort of action aside from lifting a fork to my mouth.  I would not call my condition ippsy-pippsy, but it certainly is better and I am accepting that gratefully. I find myself still doing the yoga pretel stretches mostly  because it amuses me that I can.  And it also feels good.  So what's wrong with that?  The fact is that after about 80 years, your body, which has served you faithfully despite your mistreatment of it, does begin to wear out in places.......places that are not renewable or replaceable, so the choice becomes very clear.  Either enlist some help in fastening a plastic baggy around your head or just keep on keeping on, just complaining a lot more and more loudly.  At this point I have chosen the latter, probably because I don't know anyone who isn't too chicken or too disinterested to twist the little twist tie for me.  Where are friends when you need them?

I haven't quite kicked the Blues  because my vision worsens daily and not only frustrates me and enrages me but scares the hell out of me.  I have no solution yet for the time when I can no longer see to fiddle around on the computer which is about the only visual thing I can still do thanks to a tiny window of working tissue in my right retina.  I can tell you one thing unequivicably..........having to read words letter by letter is really shitty, not to mention difficult, exhausting, etc.  Hell, with long words, I often forget what the beginning was by the time I get to the end,  Very bad for any kind of quality cognition, I'll tell you......but I am not complaining.....it is bettter than seeing no letters at all.

Another sad note.........the fabulous finches are on my shitlist right now.  I am calling them the ferocious, dysfunctiuonal family of finches.  I do not know whether it was one of them or 3 of them but they apparently ganged up on the littlest female and murdered, killed, slew her to death.  Sob.  I consulted with the finch expert and he said it happens.....reasons not specific.  I was worried that her fella would waste away and mourn himself into an early grave, but he laughed at me and said he didn't think that would happen and did not even encourage me to get him a replacement ladyfriend.  Since I anthropormorphize more than Joe does I may or may not follow that advice.....I envision Mickey alone in his little nest basket at night, cuddling among the dried lettuce leaves he insists on dragging up there as acceptable nest material.....(hell, maybe it is....what do I know?).  I plan to observe as carefully as possible and take action at the first sight of a wobegone expression.  SPF....critters......can't live with them and (I) can't live without em.  Sigh.

My moans are very subdued today, you may have noticed.......mostly because I read Manzanita's heartbreaking  blog last nite describing a series of disasters topped off by the pipes in her ceilihng ffreezing and bursting leaving her standing in her kitchen in 7 inches of water while my friend in Illinois had her furnace break down over the week end.  OY.   My troubles are misicule in comparison.  My heart goes out to everyone having to cope with that dreadful winter cold.  It may sound odd, but I have never really liked California even after living here for 72 years.........I just have stayed here because of the weather.   As good a reason as any, I guess, especially from the month of November thru the month of March.  
We did not have fur lined snow boots when I was a youngster in Philadelphia winters but, by god, I sure as hell remember what a pain in the ass galoshes were (and what  a failure come to think of it.

Stay warm y'all.

Love, Lo

Nu, Nu.....So Were You Expecting Pollyanna?

Oh, what a disgrace I  am.........the path behind me is strewn with broken promises.   I had every intention of writing cheerful little entries every few days but I don't know quite what happened except that I haven't done that atall, atall.  So sorry....... 2000 apologies interspersed with a few shitpissfucks.

Well,, I will get right to it........I am happy to report that my back problem is much improved and I can sleep without pain.  I can also sit on the hard chair at my computer without pain.  Other stuff still hurts but there is no doubt the situation is much better than it was.  Trouble is, I have to be very careful with each move and that is a bummer.  My patience with this is all used up and I still have not come up with a plan.  Well, I sort of have a plan which consists of executing a series of yoga stretches several times a day and that does seem to be helping so I am leaning toward booking a physical therapist with yoga training as my next step.  Meanwhile, my mood is dark and dour and I am no fun anymore.

I must admit that I did get a few giggles out of one of the yoga poses which left me amazed as hell that I was able to contort myself into it.  It really helped the sciatica.  It goes something like this.  

Sit on the floor with  legs crossed in front of you.  Arrange the right leg bent at  90 degree angle in front of your body.  Hoist the bod up onto left knee just enough to slide the left leg straight back and stretch it out straight behind you..  At this point the right leg is under your abdomen/ groin, the left leg is stretched out behind,  you are leaning on straigtened arms with head held high.  Now, if you can, stretch arms forward, bring torso forward and rest torso and arms on floor in front of you.

Of course,  the only thing left to do now is have someone sprinkle you lightly with kosher salt and bake till lightly browned all over.  (Spread with mustard and eat while still warm).

So that is what I have been up to lately........how about you?

Better and Better

Thrilled to be able to report that my back has improved a lot......most of the worst of the pain is gone......unless I try to stand up straight which makes for a very ugly sight as I meander from here to there bent over gazing at the floor but at least no screaming to speak of.  I am happily able to sleep thru the nite......getting the bod  hoisted out of the bed in the morning is something of a weird performance and I may never  be able to look anyone in the eye again unless they are willing to lie down on the floor and gaze up at me, but for now getting around Quasimodo style will do.

I have even dared to  venture into the kitchen again and cook up a batch of my incredible Tuscan Bean Soup and when I say a batch I mean monstger cauldrons (2) which enable me to give some away to my eager soup fans while still keeping enough to stuff my face and even freeze some.  I must say that, hunched over the bubbling caldrons stirring away I felt more like Macbeth's 3 witches than ever, but while I did mutter a chorus of "Double, double, toil and trouble" I managed to refrain from adding anything like a toad to the pots.  I really must give credit to Ree Drummond,
The Pioneer Woman Cooks, she sometimes offers up a real culinary winner.

As you have no doubt surmised, writhing on the floor in agony does not always completely kill my appetite though when the spasm of sciatica seizes my fnny and causes my leg to go into a permanent, monster  muscle cramp I do tend to forget about eating while the screams erupt.  Well, all I can say is that this wretched epsode has altered the normal boring tenor of my days.......and right now I am simply expressing gratitude every minute that I am not hurting.

Since my desperate attempt to make my last blog more entertaining by including a snippet of what I call REAL MUSIC was such a success I plan to continue the ploy,,,,,,perhaps forever.......here is another fabulous Frank Melrose tune played by Ray Skjelbred.  I am determined to keep music with a melody from becoming completely obliterated duing my lifetime.

Enjoy.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOjsJTg6Rq8

Just Checking In

Well, here I am, still kvetching and oy veying but not screaming as often nor as loudly.  We will call that progress.  fact that seems to be what I do the most

Happily, I have been able to sleep.......in  fact, that seems to be what I do the most of.  My next problem will be bed sores.  I have not figured out what steps I will take to get out of this mess......perhaps acupuncture, massage, rolfing, or hitting myself over the head with a club.  I have dragged my gravity lounge out of the corner of the sunroom and set it up in my bedroom.....if you do not know what that is, it is an adjustable lounge that goes back farther than most to let you end up with your head lower than your feet, or with your feet higher than your head....however you prefer to look at it   The theory is that, in that position the pressure is taken off of your vertebrae and should do good things for a person.  It does feel nice, but it has its limitations.....I mean, there is not a lot a person can do while in that position other than just breathe so I tend to get bored easily.

  I really crave one of those machines which lets you completely invert yourself so that you are hanging by your feet, but that gets complicated, expensive  and I think I heard that it may not be good for other parts of you, like your brain which I am very attached to and very protective of.  I am also considering having a chinning type bar installed in one of my doorways so I can hang by my hands and let gravity and my 1000 pounds of blubber extend my spine in a downward fashion and perhaps rearrange the errant vertebrae or disc back into their proper alignment.

That is pretty much as far as I have gotten in solving this problem......not very damned far, but I am grateful that things are better than they were a week or so ago.  All I can say is, I am working on it.  As soon as I find the key I will let you know.  Meanwhile, I feel bad that I cannot serve up some decent blog tidbits.  I may attempt to attach a delightful bit of ragtime piano to this wretched offering but I have little hope that I will succeed in being able to capture the right file  Let's see.

Incidentally, the tune is called "Whoopee Stomp" and was written by the fantastic painistabd composer Frank Melrose.  Frank was my husband, Pete's best friend and the father of my dearest friend, Ida Melrose Shoufler.  I love this and hope you enjoy it too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7bW9iRta4w&feature=share

A Ray of Sunshine

Sorry to have kept you all in suspense over my continuing schlepp down the road of life.....for a while there I had no time for frivolities like blogging.....too preoccupied with screams and shrieks.

Do not want to jinx myself, but I am happy to report that I have had a couple of good days, relatively speaking and today I did not even need any pain meds.  Huzzah.   I have been able to get some good sleep in and that is a real blessing.  Hoping to continue climbing out of the torture chamber.  Will try to keep you updated.  Don't write me off.  I ain't done yet.

Had some interesting insights while struggling with pain.......realized how damned little everything else matters.

Love, Lo

SPF and WTF or Perhaps WTF and SPF

Faithful reades will surely have no trouble translating my cryptic title and for all of you unfaithful readers....the hell with ya'.

I was hoping that by this time I would be back to my revoltingly cheerful self, but it ain't so.   I am still struggling with the damned sciatica and my failing vision and alternating between cursing, groaning, whining and kicking the furniture and the dog.  (no, there is no dog).  All of this has fiercely addled my brain so be unsuprised by whatever odd things come out of my mouth or, more precisely, dribble out of my fingertips.

I am only here because I promised you all I would utter a few noises from time to time to let you know that your earnest blogger was still alive and kicking......well.....kicking anyway.  So here I am.

There is no way to describe my mood.....not even this word fanatic can come up with the proper words so I will simply say that I am doing my damndest to cope.  Not very graciously, I am afraid......hence all the Shitpissfucks.  

Well, anyway, the good news is that, while I am unable to find a pain free position in a horizontal orientation like the bed, sitting upright on my  hard dining chair at my computer is relatively comfy (???).......I have seriously considered closing the Laptop, putting a pillow on the lid and trying to get a nite's sleep sitting right here....that would also save me from having to transport my ungainly self  from the bedroom to the computer each morn as I rise from my bed of nails lurching creepily like the Creature from the Black Lagoon and scaring the cat, so I guess I should think about taking the idea seriously.  If I could see better I could spend my upright hours blogging endlessly for your amusement or edification, but correcting all my typos is too laborious for that to work out well.  Sigh.  I guess we all simply have to keep slogging (or lurching) forward and see what happens.

Of course my mood was not improved in the slightest on Friday when I watched a phenomenon occur on Wall Street and missed profiting from it only because of pain, laziness and a weakened spirit.  On Thursday the Google we all know and sometimes love reported their quarterly earnings.  This act often makes the reporting company's stock go up or down mightily and I had intended to position myself to take advantage of any bounce that might occur if Google beat estimates, but failed to do so because the market closed before I was able to enter my transaction.  I could have bought a single call option giving me the right but not the obligation to buy 100 shares of Google at $900 or so per share  (yes  very pricey as they say in New England).....said option only costing me a couple of bucks.  Imagine my consternation when, upon arising and lurching in on Friday morn, I discovered that Google had jumped up 60 points at the market open and showed no signs of ceasing to rise even further as the day wore on.   In plain English, had I wisely invested the $200  on Thursday, I would have been more than $6000 (yes, thousand) richer on Friday.  Sob.  I think this may be the perfect moment for me to utter my last Shitpissfuck of the day.

Stay tuned for the next chapter, folks.  No one including me knows what will happen next, but when I find out I will be sure to let you in on it......should you really, really want that.........

Love, Lo