Batty Old Bag Behaving Badly

So where have I been for all these many silent, blogless days?  The truth is nowhere in prticular, or right here or to hell and back.........wandering grimly down the dusty corridors of my mind trying to figure out a way to adjust my attitude.  Take it from me, folks, attitude is everything.

And NO, the problem isn't only because I have been coping with some physical problems, though they certainly do not help the situation.  I think I have just  been in one long tantrum behaving like a recalcitrant child (spoiled brat) yelling "I don't wanna" while that damned voice keeps saying, "you gotta".   And what are all these things I gotta do?  Just all of the things that are on the list of stuff I gotta take care of  before I die…… And then accepting the fact that I gotta do that too.  No, no, I have not been given a dire prognosis.  Physically I am probably in great shape for my age.  I think it is simply that astronomical number that has me spooked.  I never made plans for what to do when I was 86.  In fact, I will confess thst I could not imagine myself or the world beyond 1999.  I never did  elieve in the 21st century.......

 Let's face it folks, the truth is I'm just a rotten sport. Not only do I hate to lose at Monopoly and Go Fish, but I hate to lose mobility, vision, old friends, and you name it.  y If you try to take away all my toys, I am going to sulk, scream and protest loudly and without any grace.   Must be how I got to be such a Hoarder but you cannot hoard life.   It is the poster child for the statement, "Use it or lose it".........and by that I do not mean that you have to accomplish some marvelous feat daily,,,,,you just need to recognize and appreciate the gift of a new day.

I keep having to relearn the lesson of simply  accepting what is irrevocable and being grateful for this single day.  Anti-climax perhaps, but that's all the  wisdom I've  got to offer so far........and something tells me that that may be the best I'll ever come up with.

Anyway, that is where I am and what I have been working on .   No funny bits today........it;s just hard work......all that damned  accepting.

So let me just say......Oh,, phooey.  And, of course, SPF.


P.S.  More later,    I love ya all.

Still Shlepping, Still Kvetching......

I know, I know..........it is eons since I last posted.  I also know full well that I promised to stay in touch weekly........failed miserably at that, didn't I?  So sue me.

Be forewarned that this will not  e a proper post either, but it will have to do for today.  I have still been strugglig with the damned back and last week I had an unwelcome visit from an old enemy.......a dizzy attack from Meniere''s Syndrome, an inner ear imbalance.  Ughm yuck, aaarrrrgggghhhh and most certainly shitpissfuck.

When that happens nothing gets done but a lot of moaning and whimpering.  I think I am coming out of the end of the awful visitation, but I am not inspired to be very amusing right now.  However, my beloved friend, the brilliant, talented Bob Rinwald who sends me daily cheer- ups in the form of jokes.......some good and some not so.......hit my funnybone with today's offering and I decided to share it with all of you.  If I can't make you laugh, perhaps Bob can.





  TRUE LOVE

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck

part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy

a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with

a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under

four conditions.

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once

again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

-Bob Ringwald K6YBV
www.ringwald.com
916/ 806-9551

No Title, No Funny Bits, No Inspiring Thoughts...My Advice Is "Don't Even Bother"

I think I birdied: two model.... Whoops… You should be able to tell that I'm on Dragon again. I have no idea what that opening phrase was supposed to be.   Let's just start over.

Now the problem is that I can't remember what I was going to say….Never mind, doesn't matter….I seem to remember that I promised you absolutely nothing in the title so I can't really disappoint, can I? I think I was going to say something about the fact that I hate the ends of things. And I think I fill with trepidation and unease over the beginnings of things so you can imagine what my mental state must be after being beaten around the head by the end of 2013, and immediately rudely abused by the arrival of 2014.
  
I really just want to reassure you all that I did manage to crawl the last few yards of 2013 and I seem to be schlepping along into a brand-new year, willy-nilly.   I am still in the Grinch and Scrooge mode, and have no idea when I will be able to flip the switch turning me back into some sort of human being. But in the interim, I want to wish all of you lovely people a very happy, healthy, and peaceful year and beg you to keep putting up with me as long as I have a rant or a giggle left in me.

Bless you. I love you all.   Happy New Year.

(As soon as I can think of something funny, you'll be the first to know.)

Love, Lo

You Say You Want Dragon.....OK, I'll Give You Dragon

I want you to know that I appreciate your suggestions to help me overcome my vision problems, especially in relation to the blog. I'm not going to chastise you for forgetting my very funny blog written about a year ago with the assistance (that's a joke) of the Dragon software.  I would repost it or refer you back to it if I had any idea when it was posted...but, never mind.  We can somehow proceed without it.

Listen you guys, if you haven't learned anything else about me you surely must know that I am a prodigious, fantastic problem solver. Why else would I have been the one out of the whole Information Services Dept. who they  called in the middle of the night to come in and fix computer programs that always broke down when everybody was asleep?   With my convoluted brain and some duct tape I can usually find a way to fix things or develop a useful substitue solution.....well, I said "USUALLY".

When I first heard about the Dragon program I was dancing on the ceiling with optimism. I wish you were not know that's not right…oooops,  Let's try that again. I was sure ........(that's better) that the   Dragon program would be my solution and I spent many, many Mary hours. No that Noto no no no… That should have been and that he on our why. note .........nope, we're still not there. Perhaps I had better give up trying to use Merry and say hilarious hours trying to dicta now the deer te a blog. Oh, dear.  See, the problem is that my vocabulary is a little larger and perhaps more obscene than that of the dragon's.  Also, my diction is not always perfect.  Some words it gets just fine, and others not so good.  But let us stagger on with this experiment. 

The Dragon program is quite remarkable.  You can actually teach it words it doesn't know.  Trouble is, like an Alzheimer's patient, it has very short, short term memory.  It forgets very quickly and you are back to square one.  I think I told you about the time I tried to teach it my favorite expletive…shitpissfuck… And after about 10 tries, by George H gooGod it wilts whoops… I think we are off the track again, all though I think we could use God's help about now,  Maybe right now.  I meant to say "by George, it's got it".  The next day, however, it had forgotten the lesson completely......very disheartening.  The problem is, I can barely see to place the cursor in the right spot to make corrections manually, either of Dragon or of my own errors, so it is a bit of  a struggle.


I do not plan to give up!  I do plan to go back to working with Dragon to see if I can learn how to teach it to remember words I have just taught it.  Hell, I may even spring for th most current version to see if they have improved the program since I bought it.  Meanwhile, pull on your girdles and buckle up your safety belts.......it may be a bumpy ride.


Much love to all of you and happy holidays.  May we all have a   healthy, peaceful, shitpissfuck-free 2014.  (Last sentence written by a human..... with slight Dragon tendencies.)

New Theory About That Light At The End of the Tunnel

 It occured to me just the other day that there is a grave danger (beside an approaching train) to seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  Lately I have been in a sort of deep hole and while scrabbling aaround and digging away at the bottom hoping to manage to tunnel out to a better place I had  better be damned careful if I see light ahead.......when I emerge I may see nothing but a lot of Chinese looking folks..........digging without checking with a level could be disastrous......A person might even end up in Iran.......horrors.

OK.  The good news first.  After a rather awful month or so battling sciatica and the Blues I think I have finally won the struggle with sciatica.......except for a few twinges now and then my back has healed pretty much........I can even do my back strengthening (?) exercises again.....on those days when I can force myself to do anything that requires any sort of action aside from lifting a fork to my mouth.  I would not call my condition ippsy-pippsy, but it certainly is better and I am accepting that gratefully. I find myself still doing the yoga pretel stretches mostly  because it amuses me that I can.  And it also feels good.  So what's wrong with that?  The fact is that after about 80 years, your body, which has served you faithfully despite your mistreatment of it, does begin to wear out in places.......places that are not renewable or replaceable, so the choice becomes very clear.  Either enlist some help in fastening a plastic baggy around your head or just keep on keeping on, just complaining a lot more and more loudly.  At this point I have chosen the latter, probably because I don't know anyone who isn't too chicken or too disinterested to twist the little twist tie for me.  Where are friends when you need them?

I haven't quite kicked the Blues  because my vision worsens daily and not only frustrates me and enrages me but scares the hell out of me.  I have no solution yet for the time when I can no longer see to fiddle around on the computer which is about the only visual thing I can still do thanks to a tiny window of working tissue in my right retina.  I can tell you one thing unequivicably..........having to read words letter by letter is really shitty, not to mention difficult, exhausting, etc.  Hell, with long words, I often forget what the beginning was by the time I get to the end,  Very bad for any kind of quality cognition, I'll tell you......but I am not complaining.....it is bettter than seeing no letters at all.

Another sad note.........the fabulous finches are on my shitlist right now.  I am calling them the ferocious, dysfunctiuonal family of finches.  I do not know whether it was one of them or 3 of them but they apparently ganged up on the littlest female and murdered, killed, slew her to death.  Sob.  I consulted with the finch expert and he said it happens.....reasons not specific.  I was worried that her fella would waste away and mourn himself into an early grave, but he laughed at me and said he didn't think that would happen and did not even encourage me to get him a replacement ladyfriend.  Since I anthropormorphize more than Joe does I may or may not follow that advice.....I envision Mickey alone in his little nest basket at night, cuddling among the dried lettuce leaves he insists on dragging up there as acceptable nest material.....(hell, maybe it is....what do I know?).  I plan to observe as carefully as possible and take action at the first sight of a wobegone expression.  SPF....critters......can't live with them and (I) can't live without em.  Sigh.

My moans are very subdued today, you may have noticed.......mostly because I read Manzanita's heartbreaking  blog last nite describing a series of disasters topped off by the pipes in her ceilihng ffreezing and bursting leaving her standing in her kitchen in 7 inches of water while my friend in Illinois had her furnace break down over the week end.  OY.   My troubles are misicule in comparison.  My heart goes out to everyone having to cope with that dreadful winter cold.  It may sound odd, but I have never really liked California even after living here for 72 years.........I just have stayed here because of the weather.   As good a reason as any, I guess, especially from the month of November thru the month of March.  
We did not have fur lined snow boots when I was a youngster in Philadelphia winters but, by god, I sure as hell remember what a pain in the ass galoshes were (and what  a failure come to think of it.

Stay warm y'all.

Love, Lo

Nu, Nu.....So Were You Expecting Pollyanna?

Oh, what a disgrace I  am.........the path behind me is strewn with broken promises.   I had every intention of writing cheerful little entries every few days but I don't know quite what happened except that I haven't done that atall, atall.  So sorry....... 2000 apologies interspersed with a few shitpissfucks.

Well,, I will get right to it........I am happy to report that my back problem is much improved and I can sleep without pain.  I can also sit on the hard chair at my computer without pain.  Other stuff still hurts but there is no doubt the situation is much better than it was.  Trouble is, I have to be very careful with each move and that is a bummer.  My patience with this is all used up and I still have not come up with a plan.  Well, I sort of have a plan which consists of executing a series of yoga stretches several times a day and that does seem to be helping so I am leaning toward booking a physical therapist with yoga training as my next step.  Meanwhile, my mood is dark and dour and I am no fun anymore.

I must admit that I did get a few giggles out of one of the yoga poses which left me amazed as hell that I was able to contort myself into it.  It really helped the sciatica.  It goes something like this.  

Sit on the floor with  legs crossed in front of you.  Arrange the right leg bent at  90 degree angle in front of your body.  Hoist the bod up onto left knee just enough to slide the left leg straight back and stretch it out straight behind you..  At this point the right leg is under your abdomen/ groin, the left leg is stretched out behind,  you are leaning on straigtened arms with head held high.  Now, if you can, stretch arms forward, bring torso forward and rest torso and arms on floor in front of you.

Of course,  the only thing left to do now is have someone sprinkle you lightly with kosher salt and bake till lightly browned all over.  (Spread with mustard and eat while still warm).

So that is what I have been up to lately........how about you?

Better and Better

Thrilled to be able to report that my back has improved a lot......most of the worst of the pain is gone......unless I try to stand up straight which makes for a very ugly sight as I meander from here to there bent over gazing at the floor but at least no screaming to speak of.  I am happily able to sleep thru the nite......getting the bod  hoisted out of the bed in the morning is something of a weird performance and I may never  be able to look anyone in the eye again unless they are willing to lie down on the floor and gaze up at me, but for now getting around Quasimodo style will do.

I have even dared to  venture into the kitchen again and cook up a batch of my incredible Tuscan Bean Soup and when I say a batch I mean monstger cauldrons (2) which enable me to give some away to my eager soup fans while still keeping enough to stuff my face and even freeze some.  I must say that, hunched over the bubbling caldrons stirring away I felt more like Macbeth's 3 witches than ever, but while I did mutter a chorus of "Double, double, toil and trouble" I managed to refrain from adding anything like a toad to the pots.  I really must give credit to Ree Drummond,
The Pioneer Woman Cooks, she sometimes offers up a real culinary winner.

As you have no doubt surmised, writhing on the floor in agony does not always completely kill my appetite though when the spasm of sciatica seizes my fnny and causes my leg to go into a permanent, monster  muscle cramp I do tend to forget about eating while the screams erupt.  Well, all I can say is that this wretched epsode has altered the normal boring tenor of my days.......and right now I am simply expressing gratitude every minute that I am not hurting.

Since my desperate attempt to make my last blog more entertaining by including a snippet of what I call REAL MUSIC was such a success I plan to continue the ploy,,,,,,perhaps forever.......here is another fabulous Frank Melrose tune played by Ray Skjelbred.  I am determined to keep music with a melody from becoming completely obliterated duing my lifetime.

Enjoy.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOjsJTg6Rq8