Dragon and Lo....Together Again

Well, here we are… I feel like I'm walking on egg's… No not possessive, plural eggs… I just had to submit to an update which I fear has destroyed all of the precious words that I've taught Dragon in the past. I expect I may have to teach them all again. Sob! I just tried my favorite expletive "ship this spot" and we all know that that isn't correct. I'm afraid to try Michigan the… I better type it…meshugina. Oy vey! How about that it did remember one of the. One of them. We will find out as we go along which lessens need to be repeated… Not that kind of lessons now you've got it. God give me strength!

Shipped shipped shipped… It seems to have a lot of trouble with the word for excrement. Ain't that a hoot… It can say excrement that it can say the diminutive. Sigh!

This will not be a long blog for a number of reasons… I have used up all my energy already for one thing, and I think I am still suffering from the wretched upper respiratory blight that has afflicted me for the past few weeks. I was just determined to try to get Dragon working again and I seem to have accomplished that. I'm sorry that we have not created any hilarious bits for your entertainment, but hope to do better next time. Hang in there you guys.

Love, lo

Bless your dear hearts......I love yez

Thank you SO much for helping me out with y Comment problem.......apparentlythat one odd post was buggered up totally.  Now that thinbgs are working again I an going to fetch my backup computer which contains Dragon and reinstate it here beside my old trust laptop on what was once the dining table.  Migod, I can't remember the last time it served THAT ouroise, tho I hve a vague recollection of clearing off 36 inch3s at the end fairly recently so that a friend and I could gobble a pizza.....or was it a Weinerschnitzel Chili Dog?.........onw of my unk food staples anyway........I hate feeding company on their laps.

This will not be a real post....I am just writing to relieve you all of the responsibility to participate inb my comment investigation.....not that I would mind getting comments for several hundred folks.......a blogger's dream........but it seems cruel to corce and coerce you as Ihave ddone with my piteous whining and whimpering.  I figure I can only get away with it because I am so damned old and I had better nbot overdo that bit of blackmail either.

For all of you fans of my Dragon blogs,  do not despair......the two of us will be bqck soon to confound tittilate and annoy you,  be patient.

As for news from upper Califa street.....I had a new animal adventure the other night.  There I was lounging in my recliner listening to books on tape when I noticed some strang furry activity at my porch buffet.  I knew it was not Possum.....too much fur.......I doubted it was Raccoon......this was black and white not black and brown, and it was not at all catlike so I schlepped myself up to peer out of the window to see what was invading my porch and found the most adorable Mama Skunk and her offspring munching way at the kitty kibble!   Now, I happen to love skunks and even their scent at a great distance.  I decided that, cute as they werem I did not want them to accidentally spray the porch and front wall of my house so I runinated and wrestled for a solution and decided the wisest and most humane thing would be to move my porch buffet off the porch and out of the courtyard to a site in front of the garage.  Sadly, I cannot see my patrons when they visit, but since I can't see much anymore anyway it is not a painful deprivation.  This way any and all including Skunks can come an dine and should my garage door get sprayed, it is metal and can be decontaaminated more easily than stucco and wood.   Those little darlings  were just beautiful though.......sigh......I guess that one sighting will have to do me.

That us all for today, dear ones.........

I have no intention of gtrying to proof read this so any goofs will be all my own work.  I do not for one moment believe that Ican compete with what Dragon cabn accomplish without evebn trying.  Hopefully we will alll be reunited shortly.

Love, Lo

Update to (censored)

For some inexplicable reason my last  blog garnered no comments except for one from my beloved, Joleave any old kind of comment if yoiu can.e Hagy , who somehow got an accidebnt blog wehich I never meant to publish and gbrabbed  back as soon as I could.  Ph well,ssince nothing makes much sense anymore I will not try to figure all that out.  I am writing this just to find out if the commenting sdystem stgill works or if I am doomed to remain commentless.

Please leave any old kind of comment if you can........if you see a few there you need not bother unless you feel  inclined to commiserate.  My favorite cpom[iter u[[ed and doed tpdauy and I am typing this myself on an unfamiliar keyboarded.
did not feel up to coping with Dragon.

By the way, I hadf a nice Thabksgiving because of a briloliant idea I got.....I made my turkey on Wednesday with the help of my lovely caregiver, Anne, so all I hadf to do on thursday was eat turke3y and listen to books on tape.  Hope yo =u all had a grand Thanksgiv ing.

Love, Lo

Update.......the Good News and the Bad News

 The bad news is that Dragon is dead.  I did NOT kill it......Windows Vista did/

We had to uninstall it and reinstall it from scratch.  Sob.

The good news is that I am the subbornest damned mule ever hatched, born or created from leftover parts.  I am determined to get Dragon working again.  Making some progress.  Managed to read
Susie the Singing Swine again with Florence reding it and whispering it into my ear.  I cannot read fast enough to satisfy Dragon.......but we made it.

I am going through the tutorial to learn the basic commands and I must say I am impressed.  If I can ever learn and remember theem it will be wonderful.  However, one small step at a time.

I will report in again when more progress has been made. 

Pray for me.

Do I have the only Dialog Blog in Cyberspace?

And if so, are we (Dragon and I)  George and Gracie, Rowan and Martin or Abbott and Costello?????u

OY !

The good news is that I have come to love Dragon.

T^he bad hnews is that, just nhow, in trying to obediently do an update which was described as a "must" I may have accidentally slain Dragon.  I certainly hve caused it to stop working altogether.  Damn and Hell.  Sob.  I am going away now to call my Computer Doctor and see if he can find the problem or I ay have to reinstall Dragon 12 and reteach it all my favorite words including SPF.   Groan.

If ever there was a more perfect moment for me to utter it, I can't imagineone so I will simply have to type it myself and ask you all to tune in tomorrow when repairs may have been accomplished.

Shitpissfuck........in spades!

Love, Lo

Annie or ""any" meet Rick or "wreck"… Or Lois is tattered, shattered and a few more things

you have before,,,,sigh….  You have before you a tattered, Rick no no no… Shattered wreck… Tattered array… Oh shipped… Sigh… Shit shit shit. Looking back I can see that shattered wreck may be the closest I can come, and it's close enough or perhaps even better than a tattered one I guess.  perhaps I had better start over.(for some reason today Dragon is having trouble capitalizing the first letter of the first word of my sentences… It also seems to be creating separate sentences where there shouldn't be Annie.… I wonder if I can  introduce Annie to Rick?…I think the word I was looking for is annie… Any.   up up up up,    what happened there and what was I saying?   Something about Draagoninmposing some strange phrasing on my prose.  Nevermind.....things can only get better… Or worse.


as I was trying to say, you havebefore you a tattered wreck of a human being who has just spent 15 minutes trying to don her morning schmatah.   in this case the word schmatah describes a shapeless garment that covers me from chin to ankles, processing… Proposed …. you can't do it, can you?… POS S ESS  …  you win… Having long sleeve long sleeves and deep pockets.   The problem is that when I wake up I am not the sharpest crayon in the box, and consequently I spent some time with my head  inside the garment and with arms inside flailing helplessly as I attempted to put my hands through what seemed to be sleeves that had been sewn shut. My ries,  moans and shitpissfucks were thankfully muffled by my head, being buried in cloth, but it was some time before I realized that I had not reached quite high enough, and as attempting to put my hands through the pockets… Upup up… A very frustrating way to begin the day, I'll tell you.  I can only say that I'm grateful that I did not punch through the pockets in my frenzy, thereby rendering them useless from now on. Must be grateful for small favors.

Having finally gotten my hands through the sleeves, and my head through the caller no no no… It's caller no you stubborn mule… … Oh, where was I… I finally got my head out through the top and  I was just about so worn out  I had the impulse to just crawl back into bedand wrute tge day off but I bravely forged ahead, shoved my feet into my slippers   (wrong feed in wrong slippers) and staggered into the dining room where the laptop lives and my day usually begins.
t Of course, before I even sit down at the laptop the most urgent thing is to measure out Pauline's rations for the day. The doctor sternly prescribed 7/8 of a cup of kibble per day, not one chrome? crumb  more, in this drastic effort to reduce her buy a pound so that hopefully she can clean her own fanny and relieve me of the task. I think it is working, but I'm not sure that either of us will live to see the day. She may be suffering hunger pangs but I am suffering the tortures of the damned not only being awakened at five and again at 7 AM for a few morsels to carry her over till breakfast, but faced with having my heart torn to shreds by her piteous looks during the day between feedings when she ply plateunges a dagger into my heart with  her pleading  glances at the empty platette and then at her mercilessly cruel enforcer. Yes, she gets fed five or six times a day in small portions, but apparently does not consider that an adequate meal by any means. I plan to take her to the vet next week for her way in to no no no, I should've known that would not  work… To be weighed praying that she has lost at least 3 ounces. Actually, I do believe that the diet is being good for her because she is more alert and more active.  I remember vividly how much better I used to feel physically when I was on a diet and losing a a few pounds. It was a tossup, though, betweebetween ckthe agony of being hungry all the time and the small pleasure from being able to move more easily. You can be damn sure that neither of us would be going through this if it weren't for the necessity of me following her around with wet wipes. oy vey.

A s  for the new little critter, Tootsie  is doing beautifully... I still have a lot of work to do training her. She'll let me pet her, scratch her chin and neck, her back and  the base of her tail, but she still won't let me pick her up and put her on my lap. When she goes out (which I permit once in a while). She has been very good about coming back when I call her shrieking "Tootsie" and lots of "here pussy pussy pussy pussy" accompanied by much clapping of the hands and some meowing noises. Sometimes she comes back even when I don't call her and I am thrilled to find her lounging on the Mexican tile floor of her sunroom waiting for me or some treat.... I am sure for grilled chicken livers (which she only gets a few times a week… You think I'm going to spoil this cat? Not a chance.

if you think life on Califa Street is deadly dull I Baig to differ known no… I beg to differ.  there are times when it is utterly amazing and the mind-boggling.  Take the day ecently when Florence staggeed in wringing her hands and moaning in a tremulous voice, "there is a body in the walkway." Now I must explain that Florence is a fearful person and she is especially fearful when it comes to creatures of the animal persuasion. Nevertheless, the statement shook me up I must admit, and I carefully inquired, "you mean a body like a person or a body like an animal?" I was very relieved to hear that it was some sort of an animal, (not quite sure how I would manage to cram a human body into one of my large garbage sex… Saks, no the hell with it…).  I was pretty sure that Florence's eyes did not rest long enough on the corpse to determine whether it was cat, squirrel, opossum or raccoon, so I had to schlep out to the walkway and take a look myself. The poor departed turned out to be opossum who had probably eaten a snail that had been poisoned with snail bait. (Not in my yard… I never use the stuff).  One thing I have to say in favor of opossums… They have that wonderful stiff tail that provides a handy handle for picking him up and dropping him into the trash bag. I think it would've been kinder of him to have expired on someone else's walkway, but I guess he figured  that the chances of having a few kind words uttered over him were better here than any place else on the block. His place is already been taken at the porch buffet by another possum and life goes on as usual on upper Kelly for street no no no…… Callis does street know you haven't got it yet. Kelly is a straight…. The hell with it. But I must ask how many of you have been stirred out of your lethargy by having someone announce that there was a body in the walkway? I will tell you, I have almost gotten to the point where nothing surprises me anymore.  no, that's a lie… I just never know quite what. Florence or the Dragon have in store for me.

That does it,My dear ones. I have to go away and ponder why Dragon fails to capitalize the beginning of some sentences and I can tell , it ain't going to be easy.

Love, lo

what the fark… What the fork .....what the flock…… What the F you see Kay?

As you can see I am having a terrible time teaching Dragon my favorite dirty words. This newer version seems to have a built-in editor, which refuses to accept new words that begin with, end with, or contain the letters "F UCK". I sneaked that one past it by spelling out capital letters. Why Dragon needs a censor is totally beyond me, but then almost everything is the day… Totally beyond me. That is.

Actually, I am writing this blog to explain to you my dear followers why I don't simply correct the errors that Dragon makes, and to do that I have to give you a short course in the mechanics of my vision. I'm going to print a letter on the not… The letter "O" will be a good example.
        

                                        "O"

The space inside that O is a little larger than my field of vision in my good  . I… No no no… What we want here is the word "E why he"… I think I'd better.type it.…eye.  The left eye has no central vision… Only peripheral vision. So it is useless in any detail work like reading or seeing a morsel of food on my dinner plate that is any larger than a lentil. Not only is the field of vision  very small, but it also has a thin film of of something like a white  mist obscuring its clarity. So that's what I have to work with.

Now someone has suggested that instead of leaving the gobbledygook that Dragon sometimes produces, I should go back and correct it. There are two problems with that idea. First, what would be the fun in that? Most of the humor that I dish up lately is due to Dragon's misinterpretations. Frankly, I love my blogs as interpreted by dragon and refused to give them up just to make things easier for you guys. Secondly, and you'll have to try to get your mind around this, when I am looking at an error that Dragon has made it means I have to bring the cursor to the spot of the error. Needless to say, when I am looking at the error. The cursor is not within my field of vision. If I move my eyes to the spot where the cursor is. I then have to move them back to the spot of the error to judge the distance the cursor has to travel and continue with this back and forth motion until I've managed to bring the cursor to the error. As you all know, at this point, the cursor is no longer a nice black arrow or even a puny white little hand, it is simply of small vertical line. You have no idea how long it takes to locate that vertical line and position it correctly to correct the error. Take it from me, it is agony and if I had a better way of doing it. Believe me, I would.

Of course, there are many commands in the Dragon lexicon that I could probably use to make this process easier, but since reading is so difficult for me. I just haven't done it yet. There is one command that I know that is called ", U, and Dio… No no no… How could you not know on do…,, Sigh… "undo". (Dammit, do I have to do everything for you?). Anyway, back to the command which I will not attempt to verbalize again, I did use it a couple of times, intending to simply erase the last word that I wrote, and instead any race almost the entire document I had written. There is no future in that I can tell you. One of these days I will tie Florence to the chair and force her to read to me some of the instructions and commands I sorely need, but I don't feel like doing that today.

I am glad that a few of you agree with me that Dragon has greatly improved my blog. This or at least given them a tantalizing flavor. They didn't have before. I know it's a dreadful decision to impose upon you, but you simply have to choose between gobbledygook blogs or no blogs Abdul up up up up… And all… At all. Frankly, I liked Abdul much better.  come on now, be honest,didn't you?.

I hope that makes everything perfectly clear… No pity. Please… Just understanding. Okay?.

What? You Mean It DOES Make Sense?

the traysdamn you, the matter wake-up Dragon0133...…Not the mom go… I think we better start over.

(As you can see, Dragon and I are cuddled up together indulging in a indecent and sometimes humorous foreplay… I have no idea what the hell the foreplay is in preparation of… Perhaps the the climaxing result of this strange action might be called a blog.)

As I was trying to say, the phrase I have probably uttered the most times in my life, and with the most frustration and the most perplexity is, "But that doesn't make any sense." I remember from my earliest days, wringing, my fat little hands togetherwhile observing the behavior of the adults around me in total puzzlement and saying those words to myself in whatever form of baby talk I was using at the time, something akin to "what the Fox talk… Sigh….What the what's wrong, did you throw up…             no community Tilia get over here it over here.
Get over here dear … Oh shit… I forgot the Mike was on while I was talking to Paulie… I think I'd better write that phrase out myself… If I remember correctly, I was trying to say, "what the fuck?" please excuse me for a minute while I go into the classroom and teach Dragonthat all important word.                             fuck

What the flock… What the Fox… Failed again. Never mind.We really must get on with this.

As I tottered, limped or staggered through the rest of my life, I decided that nothing was ever going to make sense because we are all Meyer did no no no no… I think this Dragon is Jewish….we are all mired in incompetence in difference,in slaw …sloth and stupidity. But perhaps, more importantly in insanity! Not one of us including me is free of some kind of crazy addiction, which forces us to actimplausibly, even if we know better.For example, why did this person continue to adopt needy cats until our house was full of 12 or 15 of them and my life was a living hell ?I could go on but I won't.

this all reminds meof aold story of a man seekingthe answerto the mystery of life travels to Indiato consult the head guruwho happens to reside oh crap… Sorry about that… Who happens to reside at the top of it nearly unclimb a ball mountain. We did nothing but a canteen of water the man climbs and climbs and climbs  until he finally arrives, bloody and exhausted at the top where the Masters cave is located. Inside is a serene little man seated, of course, in the lotus position, who looks upon him kindly and asks how he may be able to help him. The man gasps, "oh wise one, what is the meaning of life?" The little man smiles and says, " my son, Llife is a fountain.". The man loses it completely rants, raves and utters a number of "what the fucks" and says "I traveled thousands of miles, climbed this Chevy Mountain….shitty mountain, without food, little water, get bloody and worn to a nubbin, and you tell me the meaning of life is that life is a fountain?

The little man looks perplexed and a bit bewildered and says, "what?? You mean life isn't a fountain??"

I know, I know, you probably all heard it before but it seems so fitting. I couldn't resist.

Now you'll have to excuse me… I have to go and teach Dragon a few words and then lie down and put cold cloth cloths on my head.

Love, LO

PS..needless to say, this documenthas not been proofread/

another dialogue between lo and the Dragon

Well here it is, it seems to be Effing 5 AM in the morningand I have just suffered the familiar poke the knows… No not that kind… I wanted Poconos… Poke in the nose… That's better. What the hell was I saying? Yes, the old poke in the nose with the fuzzy Kitty Paw signaling to me that it may be an ungodly hour, but cats on a diet, get ravenously hungry at odd times. Did I tell you that I had to put my Kitty Pauline on a diet? Like her predecessor, Winnie, she was getting too fat to clean her nether regions, and I was damned if I was going to go around. Following her with wet wipes. (This Dragon seems to have strange whims in regard to capitalization. You'll simply have to put up with this until I find out how to gain control over upper and lower case). Anyway, I don't know who suffering more, Pauline or me… I think it's a standoff. I am praying that she will have lost a pound, and I'll be able to give her an extra scoop or two of kibble instead of the meager 7/8 of a cup that I have to measure out a tablespoon at time. To think I actually thought when I gave up dieting a few years ago on the premise that during my declining years I should be allowed to eat anything I damn please. And by God I was going to do just that.… It is hard to believe that I now have to suffer the agonies of starving my cat, for her own good, of course.  Shitpissfuck… Well, at least I've taught it that word, and it has remembered it for two days straight. If I weren't so pissed off at the damn program, I might consider giving it a medal.   and maybe a small one for me as well. We won't even mention the fact that I have spent several hours dictating endlessly into the microphone in order to familiarize the creature with my voice. They might think this would be an easy thing . B UT, since this entails reading an entire chapter from a book (you're given your choice of the strange assortment), which of course I cannot see. Consequently, this scene develops like a bad comedy… My caregiver reads the words from page into my ear in a whisper, and I repeat it out loud, hoping that the thing won't realize that I'm sort of cheating. This process takes about an hour and I won't tell you the words I uttered yesterday when Florence and I got three quarters through the chapter about Susie the singing swine and I discovered that I had the mic plugged into the wrong orifice and the whole thing was for naught. It's a frightful sight to see two grown women weeping over a computer, and attempting to strangle each other with the assorted wires which of course are everywhere.

I did have some success the other day when I finally learned how to teach it new words from my unique vocabulary. It really did learn shitpissfuck, tenks gott, meshugina, and , shit, shit,shit. I also taught itOy Vey which it got very well that time but has intermittent bouts of memory loss over that one. I will be thankful. Oh, for small favors and not complain t too much.

As you can see I seem to be obsessed with this new tool, and I promise I won't carry on over it indefinitely, but it is a fascinating challenge and will be enormously helpful if I can get over the bumps in the road.

On other fronts, I am having some success with my feral kitty, to see a war no no no… To see no. Excuse me while I go away in teach this thing to say that cats name properly. Mike off go to sleep (yes, one must remember to put the microphone to sleep in order to keep from making public the revolting contents of a deranged brain.)okay wake up… Did you learn to say to say Tootsie? By God, I think she's got it… Tootsie, Tootsie!

As I was saying I think, have made some progress in turning Tootsie from a wild, feral beast into an almost tame pussy cat. This is only required several pounds of chicken livers and endless hours of cat C duction… Let's try that again… C duction, no seduction. Ha ha… It wants the soft E. A ve Oy Vey. It also requires me to spend hours sitting in her room, stroking her back with us stick and luring her closer with more bits of chicken liver, so I can sneakily substitute my hand for the stick before she knows what's happening. And by then it's too late for her to protest because it feels so good.I still haven't gotten her to the point where she'll let me pick her up or rubber. Tommy up up up up….Rub her tummy, but I still have hopes. I have tried letting her out to get familiar with the garden and had a somewhat sleepless night wondering if she would come back, but hallelujah, she did indeed return the next morning and trotted in, looking eagerly in all directions for the chicken livers. I've turned into a mean old bed up up up up up….Bit. No, can you say bitch… You see you can if you want to damn your eyes. I don't give her chicken livers every day… I figure I have to saves them for important tasks which I still hope to teach her. Holy crap, I seem to turned into a teacher of strange sorts and the subjects. On one hand, I am teaching blasphemous words to a collection of bits and bytes, (can you believe that, it's spelled bytes correctly under the circumstance… What do you think it would say if I said, "bite me". How about that?… Maybe I have been totally wrong about which one of us is the dummy.)… And on the other hand, I am teaching a feline creature to let me rub her tummy. Well, you can't say that I am mired in the ordinary.

I'm sure that Dragon is willing and able to continue this nonsense interminably, but I am just a poor, weak human with very few bits and bytes left and I am exhausted from this little exercise. I am also a little bit tickled by the results, and I hope you guys will be too… After all, I'm doing this for you. I have a feeling this is the most boring blog I ever wrote, and for that I apologize abjectly, but being entertaining and amusing were not the top priority in this experiment. Stick with me…it's gotta get better.

I love you all madly.
LO

another go round with . The Dragon

they can go to ..... okay that is.....ugh

 up up 

I have just been through two days of absolute cattle up up up….No not cattle… And don't forget that when I laugh Dragon interprets that as "up"…… As I was trying to say, I have been through absolute hell with an infected computer… It was so sick the computer Dr. had to take it home and operate on icrap what happened here t surgically. He brought it back yesterday but I think it's missing a few parts and possibly the main components of Vince Braden will well oh, oh….I was sure that in Tuesday… I was trying to say the main components of its brain. God it….Not quite….Got it.

Omifod........ oh dear, I'm afraid it's going to be a long cold winter. However, I cannot give up yet….If I could only get this thing going properly to make it possible for me to  b LOG….Or whatever you call this abomination. How do you like that, it does fine with abomination and fails miserably with blog (manually typed by me….I have to teach it a lot of words).

 I am coming to you today at tattered rep… No,,,,, rack rank you you're giving up? I wonder if I can spell a word…… WRECK.  Finally! I can see that I'm going to end up even more of a double you are he see K then I was before. In fact, we can't go on like this. I will do some more work teaching Dragon before we are fully operational.

Meanwhile, garbage though it may be, you cannot accuse me of not posting.

More later.

Love the low… Shall we try that again?

Love, LO

 

Once More I Attack the Dagon and Vice Versa

NOTE - this is a test… For the Dragon dictation program, for you and for me. Results will not be graded, tenks gott!




Well folks, your intrepid blogger has picked herself up from the floor, applied Band-Aids where necessaryand then is preparing to do battle again with the Dragon program.

I don't know if you remember the last time I tried this…… Some of the results were borderline acceptable and some were hysterically funny and wrong, wrong, wrong. As I recall, I gave up after having to teach the program my favorite word "ship hits Fox". (Dragon's interpretation of my favorite cuss word bears no resemblance whatsoever to the real thing), and after I taught it "shitpissfuck" for the 20th time and it forgot it for the 20th time I just dissolved into a puddle of tears and gave up. It's only recently that I found out that I should have stored each day's lesson in Dragon's memory before logging off. Who knew? Anyway, I plan to try again and hope you :dear souls will all bear with me till both Dragon and ts thenI get it right. It sure as hell is a lot easier for me to dictate my thoughts than to type them with my Dick's let..... dyslexic fingers and have to go back and correct every other word. I'm going to leave a lot ofthe funny bits and misinterpretations for your amusement. It shouldn't be any worse than having to put up with all the typos. I've been dealing out to you, so get ready for a new adventure or disaster. Or maybe a little of both.....

I really don't have any news I feel like telling you right now except for my latest makeshift invention to enable me to see the stock market charts on the computer. I have found that there could be such a thing as too much light so the other day, I grabbed a towel, draped it over the computer monitor and draped it over my head to make a sort of tense… tenant….Tent (the AMM I see.......the what?)….(Dammit). There I sat, a hunched over lump with the computer and me lurking under a purple towel from which issued forth curses, screeches and piteous moans. Believe it or not, it worked fairly well but was uncomfortable as hell… I will have to come up with a better solution, but it may extend my career as a dabbler in the market. As you can see I will go to any Lance to get what I want now but I whoops… Lance?   who the hell is Lance??  Try that again… I will stop at nothing to achieve my goals… Well almost..... No, that is a lie....... these days, after 20 or 30 attempts, I just give up.....  enough already.

Some of this experiment is a bit more satisfying than the last, probably due to the fact that I have lowered my standards considerably. 

I hate to leave you in the lurch, but I am being summoned.   Tootsie is demandin withy a soulful chorus of meows and caterwauling (forgi e me, I couold not resist) that I I come and serenade her. And I think I should quit while I'm if not ahed at lest not losing too badly.

let's score it Dragon 22/64ths - Lo 5***** for effort. Okay, let's hit publish and see what we've got.

Back to Being My Old Humble Self

I just realized tht unless I get off my ass and post a new smattering quickly, my pages of self promotion (courtesy of Mr. Joe Hagy and Manzanita)  will remain displayed till eternity.  Horrors!   Hell, even I am sick and tired of reading how wonderful I am.......(only I know the real truth and I am not going there today).

Trouble is, I have   a page of notes of stuff I want to tell you about, but as all bloggers know, I have to pull together the threads of the harrstive in my currently befuddled brain before launching forth.  I won't deny tht I am struggling mightily with the vision problem and only have workable sight for a few hours after waking before the eye is worn to a frazzzle and  goes on strike relegating me to the recliner and books on tape,  but I just broke down and opened my purse, let the moths fly out and purchased a newer version of the Dragon progrsm which lets you dictate the contents of your mind (untastefully and strangely edited by Dragon's own mind.....if it can be called that......so nxt week I will force Florence to read me the insgtructions and I will tackle that again, hoping that this time, when I teach it "shitpissfuck" I will have enough sense to storee it in Dragon's memory so I do not have to reteach it every damned time I use the word (which, as you all know, if often, to say the least).




And while the purse was open and the moths  given their freedom, I made yet anothe extravgant purchase.....a brilliant idea that came to me one night while I was waiting for the fickle bastard of a
Sandman to come by.  I spend a lot of time trying to think of things I can do that do not require much vision and one day a few weeks ago I suddenly had a technicolor vision of an electronic keyboard of the kind that Pete;s piano man used to use when we had a gig in a place with no real  piano.  It came upon me that if I had one of those things I could learn a few chords and not only entertain myself but even accompany myself dur4ring my bouts of bursting forth with song. The birds whom I used to sing to may be gone but the cats still seem to respond well to my warbling and poor Florence and Ann,, my caregivers are too intimidted to protest.   (so far)

Well, the fact is that it arrived a few weeks ago, but aside from assembling the stand I have not yet had the courage to open the carton with the keyb oard, mainly because it will require someone to read me the instructions (oh, how I hate that) and also the messages we have read indicate that it wants a dedicated electric plug of it's own....none of those exteded things that run the ccomputer, the printer, the CD plyer, the coffee  maker, the can opener.......need I go on?   In this old house, many of whose wall sockets do not contain a third hole for the ground plug it may require unloading and moving a huge  breakfront full of my china collection to get to the plug behind that cabinet.  How I could have been so stupid as to fail to plug something into both of those wall outlets before putt the cabinet there I cannot explain to you or myself.  We just won't go there.  Rather than do that I may just call an Electrician and have a new outlet instslled within reach.....,,I am only considering that possiblility because I not only obtained the keyboard at an incredible bargain price, but I was able to apply a ton of my credit card points to the purchase making the thing close to free.  Oh, and I also did the same on the Dragon program and got that on a day that Amazon lost their minds and offered it at a ridiculously reduced price.   Laugh if yu like, but my Mamma always told me, "Waste not, want not".....truer words were never spoken.

Anyway,  I have promised myself thst this coming week I will get the keyboard plugged in even if I have to run an extension cors to my neighbor's house4.....they are away on a 6 week vacstion and I think I could flummox the house xitter into allowing me to try that.

So,. my deas, that is what I have been up to (or not up to) since last we met.  I promise to keep you updated on my progress ? if any should occur.  Meanwhile, let it be known that my swelled head has shrunkn bck to normal size and I am once again forced t6o make peace daily with all my shortcomings.
At least this week, failing to blogg is not one of them.


Love, Lo
Note:  This blogger takes no responsiblility whatsoever for any slanderous or plagarized material which may occur due to this blogger's inablity to properly edit or correct typos or computer generated malapropisms.  Anything that comes out accidentally funny however, I will take one half the crdit for......after all.....it is my blog.

Lo Is Speechless Again

Anyone who hangs around this corner knows of my Late-Life Cyber Love Affair with the incomparable blogger, Mr. Joe Hagy of Cranky Old Man,one of th funnist blogs on or off th plant..  We often toss bouquets at each other and rarely does a rude word pass between us, (though I oftn disagree with his position on things, w got Respect) but this past Tuesday Joe published his 2014 Walter Awards and knocked my socks off by bestowing one on me.  This after the marvelous Manzanita's glowing tribute last week has both taken my breath away and given me a swelled head so monstrous it restricts me to the house because it is too damned  big to pass through my doorways.  I an assuming that this condition will gradually fade as I face reality in the coming weeks or months, but I cannot deny that I am enjoying the hell out of these Oscars/Walters.

I sit here facing the fact that the words "Thank You" are so puny as to be useless, but they are all I've got, espcially in this enfeebled state.  So without futhr maundering I present below excerpts from Joe's Tuesday post

THE WALTER - 2014

A Cranky Old Man Award

"The Walter"

It is September, time for the second annual awarding of

“The Walter.”

Because, unlike Suldog http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/, I believe there cannot be enough blog awards, so I have added my own.  It is named after Jeff Dunham’s hysterical cranky old man puppet, “Walter.”

This award recognizes those bloggers who post consistent (3 days a week or more) original, humorous and or thought provoking material, and or anyone I damn well feel like awarding it to.

To accept this award you need only grab it from above, and display it on your blog.  (I assume no responsibility if it is stolen copy written material)

There are no questions to answer. If recipients wish to award it to anyone they feel meets the above criteria, you are hereby authorized to do so.

If you want to see last year’s winners you can find them here:

http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-walter-cranky-award.html

The part of this process I don’t like is leaving out so many great bloggers.  I follow lots of bloggers, I like all the blogs that I follow and I read all the posts; so if I follow, know you have received an Honorable Mention Walter, also, there is always next year!


 The Final WALTER is a Lifetime Achievement award and goes "It's always something..." posted by Lo @ http://loisstearns.blogspot.com/

Lo posts only sporadically as of late due to failing eyesight.  She is an interesting feisty lady and to read her posts is to fall in love.  I admit to having a blogmance with Lo but I am willing to share.  Go, visit, read her older posts and fall in blogmance yourself.

If you can read this Lo, I must add “SPF!”

                      *************************


And all I can say is SPF and WOW.   I luv ya, Joe.

Oh, yeah........one other thing.  If you are so  unfortunate as to not be familiar with Cranky Old Man I urge, nay I command you to rush there imnnediately .........you can thank me later.




                     

Holy Crap...."It;s Almost Like Being In Love"

For all of you young whippersnappers who are unfortunate enough to have missed the glorious music of the Big Band era of the 40's (when music was musical) I will be kind and honest in admitting that my post title was taken from a lovely song  whose lyrics go:

       What a day tghis has been
        What a rare mood I'm in
         Why, it's almost like being in love.

I could go on and quote the whole thing.....the sentiment is totally wonderful......in fact, if I were 20 years younger I would plug in my mic and go to utube and sing it and post it here on my blog to enlighten if not entertain you, but I am being realistic and I must hoard my energy.  Perhaps I will do that another day when I have not used up most of my perkyness on cleaning poop from kitty boxes.    (Sunday is my "on my own" day without a caregiver to do the rugged work. though I actually do not ind cleaning kitty boxes and am an expert at analyzing the contents ......real cat lovers examne poop carefully for signs of ill health in their darlings and I have been known to kiss my cat when she has shown me in this strage way that she is healthy and happy.   I dare you to scoff.......you heatless bastards who are sniggering.....you have not just finished a week of trying to administer anti-diarrhea medicine to an unwilling  cat.

But I wander, I digress.  I guess having teased and tickled you into a state of anticipation I have to explain my exhilaration and it will not be easy........there have been a lot of good things happening and, in truth, I cannot cover all of them in this one blog, but I promise to follow up with mnore blathering until I have enlightenbed you fully on the blessed basket of good stuff that has dumped itself upon me in the past week or so.

First, the bad news.......no, I have not regained my 20/20 vision. 

But the retinologist did squeeze my hand last week abd told me that, despite my fears abd complaints to the contrary,my good eye is holding up fairly well and has not changed measurably since January.    I found that to be greatly reassuring.  If I can just keep the sight I have I will not complain......even though it now takes me 30 minutes to read a few paragraphs it is far better than the proverbial poke in the eye with a sharp stick.   I read very little now, saving my sight for my daily
wrestling matches with the Stock Market whose fluctuations have caused many of the strange dents and holes in my plastered walls from endless head bashing.  It will probably jinx me to speak of it, but I am also rejoicing over the best month I have had in that damned market in the past 3 years.  If I had half a brain I would immediately sell everything on Tuesday whenthe market reopens and bank my winnings, but I cannot do that because then I would have no reson to leap out of bed in the morning to see if I have vanquished the market or vice versa.  (of course, it is usually vice versa)   I can still barely see the charts enough to trade and, believe it or not, that activity has helped mightily to keep me alive, interested in life  and to polish the marbles I fortunately still have left in my head.

Perhaps the most galvanizing and energizing and effervescent thing that has happened to me recently is an unexpected heap of praise and appreciation which has been poured over me by fellow Blogger extraordinaire, Manza, of "Wanna Buy a Duck".  I haad not visited my blog for some time nor read anyone else's  but todayI  found a bunch of lovely comments by new followers who had been directed to me by some incredible things Manzanita had apparently had to say about me in a recent blog.  When I made my way there and read her words I was stricken speechless and still am (well, metaphorically speaking).  You all know that I write for two reasons....to forcefully express my thoughts and opinions to anyone who will listen and. more importintly, to entertain and, if possible make people happy.  It is a shock and a blessing to be told that I have managed to do that.  Thank you, Manzanita, from the bottom of my heart, (and please forgive me for misspelling your name in the comnment I left on your blog.) 

Along the same lines, I want to thank all of you dear followeres for your loyalty and words of encouragement.  You are beyond wonderful!

Love, Lo

Murder, Mayhem on One Front and Some Progress Otherwise on Upper Califa Street

Just a few lines for now......... I wanted to  reassure you that I am doing mostly OK though a bit shaken by the cruelties of Nature.  The bad news is that damned horny, murderer, Frankie Finch has done awqy with his spouse, Doris,  just like he did way with the other female, Judy, a few months ago.  I was aghast when I discovered the crime and fuiousw at the murderous little beast.  I immediately had Florence take the cage with the culprit in it ad all the bird supplies down to the bird store and gave them to the owner with a warning about Frankie's felonious habits. He said he would put him in a cage wit a lot of other males and all would be well.  Humph.  Even though the info on finches told me that doe happen I did ot think it would happen under MY roof.  Sigh.  So, thus ends the adventure with the Fabulous Finches.  Actually, I hd been considering giving them away because I could no longer see them, but this really galvanized me into action and, actually it was probably meant to be because now the sun room which used to be Finch Acres is occupied by rescued kitty, Tootsie who desperately needed a place to stay out of that cramped carrier inside the cage where she had been eating up a frenzy but getting no exercize for four whole weeks.  I had followed the instructions of the Recuers but then had to deviate and follow my own instincts/  So, with great effort we moved the cage containing carrier and cat into the sunporch, opened up the cage door and let things happen.  At least she finally cae out
and stretched her legs.


Lest this confirm your ideas that I am totally bonkers I must tell you the kitty project has been very good for me........gives me something to be interrested in and also a challenge which I am not so sure I really want, but hell......it IS something to get me out of the chair or the bed.

It has been a bit of a circus.......I have really made great progress with little Tootsie........After I grilled up some chicken livers and tempted her out from under the wicker couch  and all thhe sundry cat furniture I actually got a look at her abd amazingly got her to nibble a piece from my hand!  She is still a bit wary of me but she is eating up a storm and using the kitty box like a good girl.  I hyave discovered the funniest thing.....she seems to likeit when I sing to her just like thye finches did.  She closes er lovely green eyes and seems hypnotied.  The birds used to reactt the same way when I sang to them. Hmmmmm I guess my voice has some strange hypnotic quality......just call me the cat whisperer.  Fine with me.....I love an appreciative audience.
And so it goes on Upper Califq St.  A bit of melodrma and a bit of heartwarming soap opera.


I am not proofing this  so good luck....hope you can make out what I meant to write.  Sorry it has been so long between blogs, but some days just getting out of bed is all I can manage.  I will try to do better.....I know.....promises, promises........butm hell, just wait till you get to be 87......you probqbly won't remember how to spell Shitpisfuck!

Cat Lady to the Rescue....She Never Learns Does She?

Oy......

I must have been out of my mind.  Last Wednesday  a neighbor (who is another crazy  animal person)  claled me and asked if I could help save a feral kitty whom rescuers had trapped starving in the channel of the LA river (big concrete channel dry as a bone most of the year)  All I would have  to do would be  provide a place in my back yard to put a cage containing the kitty and feed her etc for a few  weeks till she recovered from being spayed and got used to the scents of the neighborhood so that when we released her back into the wild she would remember where th food was and come to my porch buffet evenings  .  It is a program called TNR.....trap, neutr, release and I am a huge supporter.....it is the best way to control the proliferation of feral cats.....many people feed the feral colonies, but this way we cut down on the number of newborn ferals. 

I said no  at first b ecause my own half wild kitty Baskin who lives in my yard and garden shed might be annoyed or spooked since he coniders the yard his own.  Anyway,, in the end I weakend and agreed and now I have this sweet  but totally wild critter in a huge cage with her carrying case inside plus a kitty box, food, water, a blanket.  She spends almosgt all of her time inside the carrying case, only coming out to eat, use the box and once, to lay on top of the carrier to get the morning air.  All I have to do is go out each morning, open the cage carefully blocking the opening with my bod, clean the kitty box, put in fresh water and food and talk sweetly, trying to coax her out so I cn see her  and get acquainted.   Yeah.  I made the mistake one day of reaching into the carrier to tickle her and she eruped from the carrier runing up my arm, jumped on my head, then ran back into the carrier while I thanked my lucky stars she did not maim me.      Scared the daylights out of me though, because it might have been ugly.  Now I wear my workmans plastic goggles when I go out there....I refuse to lose my eye or any blood with this project. 

I go out again in the afternoon and give her more food and again in the evening to give more food and water and move the cage front against the wall so the damned raccoons cannot open it.  They come each night to visit her on their wayto their buffet  but can't get at her fortunately, though they try.  All  tey care about is the food inside but they can't do any real damage and she is safe hiding in er carrier inside the cage.

.......so that is what I have been up to and will be doing for the next month probably.  They do not want to release her too soon.  I am hoping she will tame down a bit....I have only seen her once when she was lying on top of the carrier inside the cage.  As soon as she saw me looking at her she ran back inside.  With my poor vision I cannnot see her in there. She is a tortoise....black and tan with big green eyes.......one of my favorite types.  Don't know if I can ever tame her and don't really care.  I am sure Paulie would hate her since Paulie owns the house, but I will be satisfied if she just fattens up, gets a bit less wiold and has the sense to hang around for the hightly buffet here and for my neighbor, Marge's daily buffet in her open garage.  God bless all the animal nuts.

 I am really too old ad tired for this nonsense, but, what the hell,,,,,,,can't let a kitty starve.

I will keep you posted as the drama unfolds...probably more of the same.....no sightings.....but one can always ope.

Love, Lo

A Kvetch about Old Age in Italian (of all things)

 

 I am sure all you faithful readers will remember my talking about my beloved, amazing, world renowned  friend, Bruno, the Walt Disney of Italy.  I consider this friendship one of the miracles I have been lucky enough to have had bestowed upon me.  After encountering his work on the internet I was so blown away by his genius that I wrote him a fan letter and was totally blown away even moreso when he answered me and (get this) thanked me and apologized for his imperfect English.  That was many years ago and since then we have maintained an email correspondence, have exchanged drawings,  various gifts to share delights, have met........first in Milan, Italy on one of my trips when I offered to buy him a cup of coffee and he and his twin daughters drove into Milan and took me out for a fabulous lunch and lots of talking and hugs and a second time when he came to LA to be honored at the Disney Studios and he asked me if I could meet him and his family at their hotel nearby.  He is really a genius with fabulous wit, artistic talent and, of all things, humility!   I feel incredibly honored to have him for a friend, to put it mildly.

Anyway, he recently emailed me a birthday greeting and a few lines to bring me up to date on his activities and we exchanged a few quick emails back and forth updating each other.  Now I must reveal that he is 12 years younger than I am and in good health, thank heaven, but in his 70's he can empathize with all my rants and gripes about old age.  In his note to me today he included a recent drawing of one of his main characters......Mr. Rossi is to Bruno as Mickey Mouse was to Walt Disney..........I decided it was too wonderful to keep for myself so I am sharing it with you. 

Hope you enjoy it.  (the translation of the caption is in the last line of his letter)

Love, Lo

*****************************************************

 from a Bruno Bozzetto email

.........I perfectly understand your problems about the bad vision, the getting old, etc etc.

I'm running on your same way... just after you.

In these days I did this drawing about this problem... that means (approximately) "Getting old has some advantages...help me to find just one"...

Love

Br1

                                              *********************************

P.S from Lo
I am devastated that some of you did not see the drawing.....I had the same problem when I first viewed my blog but it took a minute or so for it to appear. If you encounte that problem try waiting a bit to see if it will finally download the cartoon. SO SORRY

Il giorno 30/mag/2014, alle ore 01:02, LMS52927@aol.com ha scritto:

Il giorno 30/mag/2014, alle ore 01:02, LMS52927@aol.com ha scritto:

Prick Is Not Always A Dirty Word

Yes, it's me and I am still here.    Apparently.    Amazing but true.

And nev er let it be said tat Lo is too old and too stubborn and too resistant to change to ever try someting new.  Well, old, yes.......and stubborn, most definitely and resistant to change......I'm afraid that is often the case, but not always.  For instance, if you wonder what I have been up to lately I can btell you that there has been a variety of things........like going through stacks and stacks of papers, notes mail and various documents and (bravely) throwing away saved up stuff with wild abandon, thereby ending up with one much smaller stack of seemingly importgant stuff.  This will be seized up at a later date and the process will be repeated.

And I ave been singing and,  what is worse, recording my singing, and worse yet, sending said warbling to my beloved friend,  Ida, who claims to adore my shaky contralto and begs for more, so how could i possibly deny such  request.  I also inflict the same on the finches who, for some reason, seem, to like it too......at least they come out of their nest boxes and sit on their perches with closed eyes, apparently mesmerized by my dulcet tones.  For a person who loves to sing but does not really have much of a voice there is nothing nicer than having an appreciative audience who does not demand quality, just applauds you for making the effort.  In factm, Ida's pleas for more goaded me into  pulling 10 or 11 of my musical muddlings from my WMA files and actually laying down 11 tracks on a
CD which I whimsically entitled "Lo Sings (?) which I will present her with as an early Xmas present. 

And that brings us to the PRICK referenced in my ambiguous, but I hope intriguing title.  Still suffering mightily frrom the red hot poker stabs inflicted on my left buttock by the errant sciatic nerve I decided to take my cousin's advice and try Accupuncture!  What the hell, why not?  I was not afraid of accupuncture, having tried it many years ago for some other plague that attacked my back.  At that time it did not help me appreciably and it was expensive so I did not continue with the treatmentments but desperation drives even a pinch-penny like me to extreme measures so I got a referral and made an appointment and off I hied myself  to be pierced into wellness.

The treatment began with a deep tissue massage during which the  masseuse attempted to enter my left buttock with her powerful fingers and seize the errant sciatic culprit and extraact it, literally pluck it out and throw it in th waste basket.  I do not think she succeeded but I could not be sure because, after she finished my poor left cheek was so so sore that I could not feel the sciatic pain.  Progress?  Perhaps.

Then entered the Doctor and, since I was lying on my right side with face to wall I could not see her nor the tools of her trade, but I felt a few teensy pricks here and there  on my left nether regions and down the left leg.......too inconsequential to even be called pricks, but perhaps mini-pricks.  Then the lights went out and I was instructed to be still and not move for 15 or 20 minutes and, of course I obediently did just that wondering if my Chi (the force the needles were supposed to energize and redirect) was doing its thing as obediently.  It is not easy to lie perfectly still for 20 minutes.....that I learned perfectly.  Then the light went on, the needles were removed, unprick, unprick, unprick, and I wase sent out into the world considerably poorer but hopefully with less sciatic pain.

I have now had 3 treatments and sometimes I think they helped, other times not so sure.  I have decided they did not help enough to continue at this time, preferring to save my money to buy more blank CD's so I can sing my pains away and fill my friend, Ida, with joy and delight.

Oh, yes, one more thing I did which I had never done before.  I made a fabulous Turkish/Armenian dish entitled Imam Bayildi......a concoction of onion, garlic, tomatoes, eggplant, sweet red bell pepper, a handful of raisins  and assorted spices cooked into a delectable stew.  I was inspired to do this after tasting some sold in our neighborhood Middle Eastern Market and and googling a recipe.  I must say that it was a great success. I loved it, Florence loved it, my neighbor, Marge, loved it and I suspect that my Wednesday caregiver, Ann will love it. 

   
I had better add eggplant and bell peppers to the shopping list so I can make more.  (NO, I do not know where these italics came from all of a sudden, and furthermore, I do not care.)
 There is an interesting story about the name of the dish which I will try to remember to tell you in my next post.  A little suspense never hurt a blog, did it?

Love, Lo

My jeans have muddy knees and ass......what can this mean?

In case you wondered where in the hell I might be, let it be known first, that I am still here, that I have been out in rhe front garden apparently planting impatiens.  "Yes, yes", you say, "but it has  beenb over a month since there has been a peep or a rude word out of you."   And I canb only say that it takes me a helluva lot longer to dig a little hole than it used to.I am sorry for worrying you by dropping out of sight for so long........there has been a succession of reasons and excuses.......we just won't go there right now.  Suffice it to say....I am still alive......still here on upper Califa St. griping, ranting, complaining and oy vey-ing in my usual vigorous, loud-mouthed and uncouth fashion.  Struggling mightily with vision problems which really makes it difficult to near impossi ble to read and write and that does discourage me from even trying on some days.


However, it seems tht spring has somewhat revived me to the point that Ihave felt sgtrong stirrings and urges for impatiens and lobelia.......so much so thst I and my trusty caregivers have made multiple excursions to the discount nursery for bedding plants.   Sadly, the nursery's supplier has failed miserably to provide lobelia in a condition to satisfy the owner and he has sent them away with their puny lobelia and ordered them to bed without their supper,  leaving me with nothing but a few flats of impatiens, some rose bushes (who can resist  2 for $12)     and a b aby Lavender plant, a few pots of pink and yellow daisies anbd a trunkful of potting soil and planter mix.

Since my gardener, an excellent fellow at his trade except for having no aesthetic eye for planting, would have simnply inserted them all into the  bed exactly 6 inches apart anbd with no consideration for tastefully alternating colors, it became obvious to me that I would have to plant  'em or spend the summer in a snit, I hied me to the back corner of my clothes closet praying that I had not tossed my beloved work jeans.  Tenks gott I must have rescued them from the discard pile and put them back in the closet whebn I wasn't  looking.  And,they still fit somehow.  So, donning them anbd my favorite T shirt from the good old days with the "BadDog" legend across the front, I schlepped myself out to the front lawn and got down on my knees at the planting bed energetically removing each little plant from its pot, loosening the root ball, digging the hole and planting it.  This lasted for about 6 plants at which time my knees  yelled at me that if I did not get off of them they would  make me regret it, whereupon I switched to a sitting on my fanny position...legs askew...not the mnost ideal way to plabnt, but better thanb having yur knees go onstrike for a week.  I managed to get a flat abd a half planted suchwise and then my entire bod started to scream dirty words at me, so I hoisted myself up in the only way I am able to these days,,,,,,,by pushing yp into the yoga Downward Dog pose (an inverted V) and unrolling upward from there, whereupon my caregiver, Florence, helped me stagger into the house and the bliss of my recliner.  It still took 2 extra strenghth Tylenol to restore me to human condition but I felt mightily pleased with what I had accomplished a nd the fact that I had accomplished anythinbg at all.  At this point in time all of the impatiens have been planted but the story does not exactly have a happy ending.   My plan had been to go back out later in the week when my knees abd other joints had finally shut up, but Wednesday came which is gardener day and, much to my horror, I discovered that Jose had carefully planted the rest of the impatiens according to HIS method......6 inches apart and not exactly where in the bed Iy had intended them to be.    Enh!   So be it.  Good enough my knees have convinced me. 

Each of these frenzied episodes, you understand, must be followed by several days of The Recliner Pose in which I attempt to molify my bod into forgiving me and grudgingly giving me back just enough mobility to stagger to the potty whenb necessary.  The next thing on the list is to attack the side  bed by the driveway, but I have decided that I will simply place the pots where I want  them to go and wait for Wednesday.......let Jose do his damndest.


Be warned, my  darlings, that I can no longer go back and correct all the typos, grammar and punctuation errors of which there are a myriad, I know.  I am hoping you will be able to pick your way across this field of errors, broken glass abd dog turds and deduce my meanings and intentions.  If you can put up with the mess I will try to write more often.  As you canb see from the above ramblings, Lois still lives.

Funny, there seem to be too many keys for the letter "B" on this keyboard.....maybe a manufacturing error or perhaps my right forefinger has swollen to twice its size whenever I reach for an "N".  Oh well, SPF.

I luv you all.
Lo

Dammit, It's Too Late to Change It Now

I just realized that I really should have named this blog, "It's Just One Damned SPFing Thing After Another",

Oh well, the original is shorter and means pretty much the same thing.

Yes, this is your  beloved, whining, snivelling, kvetching but at least less frequent blogger writing to report yet another indignity which  has been heaped upon me.  I have rceived notice from General Motors that I am one of the 2 million (or is it 20 million?)  owners of cars produced by them with a faulty ignition mechanism.  Hell, did they just find this out?  I could have told thenm about this months ago after struggling one day out of 3 to get the ignition in my dear little Saturn to turn on.  I should fret not though,  because they intend to replace the faulty switch at absolutely no cost to me.  Only trouble is.....well, it seems that they have run out of that part and it is on backorder.  As soon as it is available they will let me know so I can rush my car to the nearest dealership.  I think that means, "Don't call us, we'll call you."  And of course, we all know I ain"t getting any younger......so how many mnore times will Florence and I get stuck in the driveway or in some parking lot before my number comes up?  Does anyone care to start a lottey on that?

And, oh yes, did I mention that the raccoons chewed thru the piping on my pool solar panels again causing a  total malfunction? However, this time I came up with a solution.  Since I cannot use the pool until June even with the solar heating, I simply shut off the circulation to the solar system......I mean the solar heating system.....that other phrase endows me with way too much power.  I am actually feeling like the world's greatest dumbkopff because I should have thought of this 10 years ago  OR the solar company should have advised me to Winterize my system every year till things get more favorable for swimming.  Ah, well.......it is so hard to get good help anymore, isn 't it

By the way, did I tell you about the fun and games we had last week when the huge upright freezer I have in the garage stuffed to the gills with meat, fish veggies,tortillas, bageks and homemade soups suddenly fell silent and began to leak copious amount of defrost water like Hoover Dam giving way?  Hardly anything fills a pennypinching cook's heart with more dread that the threat of having to deposit  into the garbage (or cook immediately and subsequently eat ) a turkey, two 4 lb, corned beefs (beeves?), several lbs. of  chicken filets, 3 frozen pizzas, a cauldron of Tuscan Bean Soup.....I could go on, but yoou get the idea.......I feel faint at the very thought.......When this happens it usually requires piece by piece unloading of the contents and then 5,350 trips carrying drippping parcels across the street to Marge's to try to cram my disreputable bundles into her freezer and then, of course, the whole exhausting process in reverse once my freezer is once again opertional.  Fortunately, this time I ws able to dispose of some stuff that was overdue for discarding and I was able to cram most of the stuff into my own frig freezer preventing the need for those awful  hobbling trips back and forth.    And, even better, after the garage freezer was allowed to shed all of its ice buildup and sit there panting for a while it agreed to start up and begin freezing again.  Oh, hallelujah!  I am truly blessed.

So, in case you have been wondering what kind of trouble I have been getting into on upper Califa St, now you know.   As I have been known to mutter from time to time, "It's Always......well, you know.


Love, Lo

OK, OK, Already...... Come Meet Pauline

I know,  I know......it has taken me forever to post a picture of my precious Pauline, otherwise known as Paulie, Polly, Bubbala, Cat and HeyYou.  Well, this is more or less what I see when I open an eye after being pawed temporarily awake at dawn  most days.  No meows or raucous noise.....just a gentle, persistent tapping on my mouth and a tickling of my cheek by cleverly applied whiskers.

 I am not going to blather on today because I am still feeling a bit weak and feeble, but I am surely feeling better than I have been for a number of weeks and I am mightily cheered by that.  I will try to blog decently very soon and rant endlessly about all the things that have broken down, expired and gone wrong since last I kvetched.  Meanwhile, get acquainted with my darling.......some vigorous stroking along the cheekbones and under the ears, please.

Decrepit Old Houses Need Love Too......and Lots of Fixin'

Oh, hell........it seems all I do lately is apologize for not  blogging..........so, nu, nu, you were expecting something different this time maybe?  Fat chance.  It appears that  it is not only the good old, faithful old, ancient old body (the house of my Spirit) that keeps falling apart , it is also the House house that houses me, my cat and birds and all my worldly goods.  Now, the house is not nearly as old as I am, and in some parts of the country and certainly some parts of the world it would be considered practically a spring chicken of a house, but that does not keep bits and pieces of it from turning up their toes and expiring.

This week it seems to be the roof which is only 18 years old......a mere child........but I am told that in roof years that is something like 2,384.  All I can say is, "I know drought is bad, but it must be good for roofs  because I did not have a  bit of trouble until it started to rain here a week or so ago."   Then, on Friday my blessed cleaning lady, Ana, pointed a shaking finger at some suspicious yellow blotches on the dining room ceiling and, after discarding all other explations (like a family of mice with weak bladders living in the attic) I had to admit that the roof might have developed a leak.  I am waiting nervously now for Mr. Fixit to come by, climb up and give a diagnosis.  Please gott it should only need a heavy applications of Henry's.

I am constantly giving thanks for our weather here........Drought, fires and earthquakes aside, we Californians have nothing to complain about weatherwise.  However, though I welcomed the rain I could really have done without the leak in the roof.  But......whatchagonnado??  Shit does happen as they say.....constantly and with borning consistency.

The leak remimded me of my dear old yellow 1948 Ford convertible.  I loved that car.....except when it rained.  For one thing, the windshield wipers hardly worked.  I rigged up a string attached to the  one  on the driver's side,  threaded it through the window which didnt' quite close and would pull on it when it got stuck to clear the windshield.  It also had a a leak in the fabric roof, right over where the driver (me) sat.  You all know that I pride myself on my problem solving ability........therefore it should not come s a shock to you that Lois could often be seen driving up Sunset Blvd, with my unbrella open inside the car when it was raining.  I was really poor in those days.....but always resourceful.


I know this is a poor excuse for a blog, but that is about all I have to say today.  I am still hanging in here, whining and complaining but alive and certainly kicking.   I will try to keep you updated on my fascinating life........and that of my assorted ailing house parts.

Love  Ya.

Lo (the original and only)

Batty Old Bag Behaving Badly

So where have I been for all these many silent, blogless days?  The truth is nowhere in prticular, or right here or to hell and back.........wandering grimly down the dusty corridors of my mind trying to figure out a way to adjust my attitude.  Take it from me, folks, attitude is everything.

And NO, the problem isn't only because I have been coping with some physical problems, though they certainly do not help the situation.  I think I have just  been in one long tantrum behaving like a recalcitrant child (spoiled brat) yelling "I don't wanna" while that damned voice keeps saying, "you gotta".   And what are all these things I gotta do?  Just all of the things that are on the list of stuff I gotta take care of  before I die…… And then accepting the fact that I gotta do that too.  No, no, I have not been given a dire prognosis.  Physically I am probably in great shape for my age.  I think it is simply that astronomical number that has me spooked.  I never made plans for what to do when I was 86.  In fact, I will confess thst I could not imagine myself or the world beyond 1999.  I never did  elieve in the 21st century.......

 Let's face it folks, the truth is I'm just a rotten sport. Not only do I hate to lose at Monopoly and Go Fish, but I hate to lose mobility, vision, old friends, and you name it.  y If you try to take away all my toys, I am going to sulk, scream and protest loudly and without any grace.   Must be how I got to be such a Hoarder but you cannot hoard life.   It is the poster child for the statement, "Use it or lose it".........and by that I do not mean that you have to accomplish some marvelous feat daily,,,,,you just need to recognize and appreciate the gift of a new day.

I keep having to relearn the lesson of simply  accepting what is irrevocable and being grateful for this single day.  Anti-climax perhaps, but that's all the  wisdom I've  got to offer so far........and something tells me that that may be the best I'll ever come up with.

Anyway, that is where I am and what I have been working on .   No funny bits today........it;s just hard work......all that damned  accepting.

So let me just say......Oh,, phooey.  And, of course, SPF.


P.S.  More later,    I love ya all.

Still Shlepping, Still Kvetching......

I know, I know..........it is eons since I last posted.  I also know full well that I promised to stay in touch weekly........failed miserably at that, didn't I?  So sue me.

Be forewarned that this will not  e a proper post either, but it will have to do for today.  I have still been strugglig with the damned back and last week I had an unwelcome visit from an old enemy.......a dizzy attack from Meniere''s Syndrome, an inner ear imbalance.  Ughm yuck, aaarrrrgggghhhh and most certainly shitpissfuck.

When that happens nothing gets done but a lot of moaning and whimpering.  I think I am coming out of the end of the awful visitation, but I am not inspired to be very amusing right now.  However, my beloved friend, the brilliant, talented Bob Rinwald who sends me daily cheer- ups in the form of jokes.......some good and some not so.......hit my funnybone with today's offering and I decided to share it with all of you.  If I can't make you laugh, perhaps Bob can.





  TRUE LOVE

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck

part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy

a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with

a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under

four conditions.

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once

again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

-Bob Ringwald K6YBV
www.ringwald.com
916/ 806-9551

No Title, No Funny Bits, No Inspiring Thoughts...My Advice Is "Don't Even Bother"

I think I birdied: two model.... Whoops… You should be able to tell that I'm on Dragon again. I have no idea what that opening phrase was supposed to be.   Let's just start over.

Now the problem is that I can't remember what I was going to say….Never mind, doesn't matter….I seem to remember that I promised you absolutely nothing in the title so I can't really disappoint, can I? I think I was going to say something about the fact that I hate the ends of things. And I think I fill with trepidation and unease over the beginnings of things so you can imagine what my mental state must be after being beaten around the head by the end of 2013, and immediately rudely abused by the arrival of 2014.
  
I really just want to reassure you all that I did manage to crawl the last few yards of 2013 and I seem to be schlepping along into a brand-new year, willy-nilly.   I am still in the Grinch and Scrooge mode, and have no idea when I will be able to flip the switch turning me back into some sort of human being. But in the interim, I want to wish all of you lovely people a very happy, healthy, and peaceful year and beg you to keep putting up with me as long as I have a rant or a giggle left in me.

Bless you. I love you all.   Happy New Year.

(As soon as I can think of something funny, you'll be the first to know.)

Love, Lo